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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Getting a 17 yr old to attend college

26 replies

Jumpking · 11/02/2022 18:13

Son has been bunking off college for the last 2 years. Sometimes a day a week, sometimes a few. He's only been in 1 day in this last fortnight.

I work full time. Son had perfect attendance when I had Covid a few weeks ago, as I could remind him what time to go. I'm a teacher, so I can't ring him at the time he needs to leave to tell him to leave.

His college days vary from a 9am start to a 2pm start.

We've set Alexa alarms, phone alarms, tried to put routines in place, WiFi being turned off if he doesn't attend.

He says he wants to go, but just can't get himself sorted. I can understand how, as when you're out of a routine, it's hard to get into one. I've tried to get him to go in every day at the same time, but he says the firewalls on the college server means he can't access the website his course are asking him to access.

This is his second 1st year. He started a levels last year, but failed. He's trying again with a btec. He got 7s and 8s in his GCSEs, so he's bright, but severely lacking in common sense in this area, clearly.

I've set up an appointment with the youth employment service for him to explore other options.

Any tips on how to enable him to leave on time to get to college, as he says he wants to complete this course. All suggestions welcome.

OP posts:
GreenLunchBox · 11/02/2022 18:15

I would make him get a job and start paying you rent. He's wasting everyone's time, especially his own. This will hopefully focus his mind

waterrat · 11/02/2022 18:32

I'm.not jumping on a diagnosis here but have to ask have you considered Adhd. I was similar to your son at that age. High grades in a few subjects but totally unable to organise myself for the rest of it and my life.

Does he actually want to do these a levels?

I think sadly you have to see this child of yours is now an adult and he is making choices. He is choosing not to go in...even if he does have adhd he clearly is capable when he needs to be ie..when he wants to be.

You won't be there to wake him up for work in q couple of years so I think surely now is when he needs to learn natural consequences

The firewall stuff sounds total nonsense. Presumably there are study spaces etc. Or he could get up and do stuff at home until college

Yoi need to tell him thst this is the start of adult life. Stop waking him up and let him learn the consequences.

Roselilly36 · 11/02/2022 18:52

How was his attendance at school OP? My DS loved college as it was much more relaxed than school. Has he made friends at college? Does the college have a well being team? If so have you spoken to them for support. How is his journey to college, my DS had two bus journeys to get there, so he was much happier when he passed his driving test so he could get to college easily.

Wolfiefan · 11/02/2022 18:56

Can’t he go in at the same time each day so he’s there and ready? Get work done in a library?

Original poster
Jumpking · 11/02/2022 19:29

@Roselilly36

How was his attendance at school OP? My DS loved college as it was much more relaxed than school. Has he made friends at college? Does the college have a well being team? If so have you spoken to them for support. How is his journey to college, my DS had two bus journeys to get there, so he was much happier when he passed his driving test so he could get to college easily.
Attendance at school was 99%. 2 buses to get. But he had to get up at the same time every day for that. He was in a routine.

He's not made new friends at college. He has a very limited amount that moved with him from secondary.

I've been in touch with the tutors since October. The well-being team have never been suggested, but I'll ask about them. The college have a local reputation for not supporting students well. They either succeed or the college give up on them...all about bums on seats so they get the income.

Covid meant that son ended his school career march 2020, so no routine for 6 months until college began sept 2020. Even then, college had them in for 1 week in 3 for ages.

I bought him driving lessons for Christmas...he keeps telling me he doesn't want to learn to drive, so I don't think it's the 30 min journey that's the issue for him.

OP posts:
Wondergirl100 · 11/02/2022 20:53

It just sounds like this situation isn't working. By sixth form there has to be impetus coming from the student - it can't be driven totally by parents and other adults. If he doesn't have the interest/ drive/ commitment to actually go in or get up in the morning - there is no point him staying on the course.

If he finds it boring and isn't wanting to go in he needs to consider other options. It's been such a tough time for young people with covid - but in reality if he is literally totally unmotivated to do this course he needs a serious rethink.

Could he stop and go and work and come back to higher education in a year or two - he might find being out in the world of work a bit more interesting.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 11/02/2022 21:02

Attendance at school was 99%. 2 buses to get. But he had to get up at the same time every day for that. He was in a routine

Get him into a routine now, he gets up at the same time every day like he is going in for his first lesson but instead he does something productive at home, whether that be school work or unloading the dishwasher or laundry or hoovering.

This happened with my friend's daughter and she bombed everything, also did it over 3 years. Because her lessons started at different times on different days she would lie in until the last minute and miss the bus. My friend said she wished she had pushed her to get up at the same time as her sibling who was still at school.

Original poster
Jumpking · 12/02/2022 22:53

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Attendance at school was 99%. 2 buses to get. But he had to get up at the same time every day for that. He was in a routine

Get him into a routine now, he gets up at the same time every day like he is going in for his first lesson but instead he does something productive at home, whether that be school work or unloading the dishwasher or laundry or hoovering.

This happened with my friend's daughter and she bombed everything, also did it over 3 years. Because her lessons started at different times on different days she would lie in until the last minute and miss the bus. My friend said she wished she had pushed her to get up at the same time as her sibling who was still at school.

Tried that for a month. Didn't work. I'd get him up at 7.30. dressed for 7.45 when I left. there weren't enough chores, or enough motivation to do the chores to keep him going until 12/1 pm when he has to go in. He'd either get engrossed in internet or book, or fall back asleep.

And he's refusing to get a lift into college with me at the same time each day as that's hours waiting around in a cold place wearing a mask with nothing of interest to do. The few times I did get him to agree to it, he got so engrossed in his book in the refectory that he forgot to go to his lessons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumpking · 12/02/2022 22:54

@Wondergirl100

It just sounds like this situation isn't working. By sixth form there has to be impetus coming from the student - it can't be driven totally by parents and other adults. If he doesn't have the interest/ drive/ commitment to actually go in or get up in the morning - there is no point him staying on the course.

If he finds it boring and isn't wanting to go in he needs to consider other options. It's been such a tough time for young people with covid - but in reality if he is literally totally unmotivated to do this course he needs a serious rethink.

Could he stop and go and work and come back to higher education in a year or two - he might find being out in the world of work a bit more interesting.

That's why I've set the appt up with the youth employability service.
OP posts:
linchinton · 12/02/2022 23:59

He sounds like he has adhd to me (I do too)

HeddaGarbled · 13/02/2022 00:38

They either succeed or the college give up on them...all about bums on seats so they get the income

I want to pick up on this. The college funding is dependent on the students both completing and achieving the qualification, not just enrolling. Plus a student enrolling but not completing or achieving, will also affect their achievement rates which will affect their Ofsted ratings. As will poor attendance rates. And low grades.

So it is very much in the college’s interest to keep your son in college, keep his attendance high, and for him to achieve the qualification, at as high a grade as possible.

If they aren’t being supportive, they are lacking in some way, but it isn’t because they are laughing all the way to the bank.

Hamjamwich · 13/02/2022 16:00

Our DS just had a college interview and I'm very disappointed what is classed as full time. One day nothing until 2pm and nothing all dag Friday. From a good school routine of being up early every day, this will be a pain to keep going.

Blossom64265 · 13/02/2022 16:20

With the extra rules from Covid , I get not wanting to be in the physical building longer than necessary.

Maybe He needs a watch with programmable alarms. There are many options cheaper than an Apple Watch. Something physically attached to him that prods him along With each step towards getting there on time. So time to eat. Time to get dressed. Time to assemble bag. Time to leave. Etc.

You could look at it as coddling, but it’s the kind of thing someone who has certain kinds of neurodiversity would just set up for themselves as a way of adapting.

Hamjamwich · 13/02/2022 16:26

You could try incentives? Some extra money for attending ? Or on the flip side, consequences for not attending.

cansu · 13/02/2022 16:33

I think you need to be realistic.
You, his parent, cannot get him into college. He claims he got engrossed in a book and forgot to go!

He doesn't want to do the course. There is nothing the college can do short of picking him up and frogmarching him in.

He needs o get a job or change to something more vocational. The well being team won't be able to help someone who can't be arsed to go in.

Original poster
Jumpking · 14/02/2022 07:30

@Blossom64265

With the extra rules from Covid , I get not wanting to be in the physical building longer than necessary.

Maybe He needs a watch with programmable alarms. There are many options cheaper than an Apple Watch. Something physically attached to him that prods him along With each step towards getting there on time. So time to eat. Time to get dressed. Time to assemble bag. Time to leave. Etc.

You could look at it as coddling, but it’s the kind of thing someone who has certain kinds of neurodiversity would just set up for themselves as a way of adapting.

He's got a watch which does this. The alarms are programmed.

He starts moving, then gets distracted. Forgets what he should have been doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumpking · 14/02/2022 07:33

@Hamjamwich

You could try incentives? Some extra money for attending ? Or on the flip side, consequences for not attending.
He's not bothered about money. He never goes out, so nothing to spend it on. And he's got everything he wants at home.

Consequences is a day bunking off means the next day no devices and internet. These days he reads a book and sleeps. No other consequences available really, bar removing the books. The only thing left to look at would be food!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jumpking · 14/02/2022 07:36

@cansu

I think you need to be realistic. You, his parent, cannot get him into college. He claims he got engrossed in a book and forgot to go!

He doesn't want to do the course. There is nothing the college can do short of picking him up and frogmarching him in.

He needs o get a job or change to something more vocational. The well being team won't be able to help someone who can't be arsed to go in.

I even offered to pay for a taxi for the days he's finds harder, but didn't want me to spend when it's his fault.

I agree he needs to look at other things, but right now he's insistent that he wants to do his course, he just can't organise himself to do so.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 14/02/2022 07:48

He needs some kind of mentor I think. Definitely explore what the college can offer. Do they have a learning support team? Could he be depressed?

Calennig · 14/02/2022 12:24

He doesn't want to do the course. There is nothing the college can do short of picking him up and frogmarching him in.

I think he's saying one thing and doing another.

He says he wants to finish and then having you run round with strategies to support that but then sabotaging them.

I would try and get to an end point on the course but in meantime ask him what he need to do to get there - push it back onto him - how is he sorting this out.

I would also see what additional support the collge can offer - even better if you can get him to do this.

I 'm not saying he doesn't have underlying conditions that need extra support - definetly worth looking into - I am saying even if they are there many/most people with them have statgeries by and do manage to turn up to lessons. So there may well be more going on here but ultimatley he needs to do something here.

cansu · 14/02/2022 18:10

Given that he managed to have good attendance at school, he really appears to be choosing this. You have given him alarms, lifts and other reminders and yet he forgets to go.
I really think he is just bullshitting you OP. This may be because he can't be bothered, it may be because he is behind with his work or some other reason but the fact remains he is choosing not to go.

lljkk · 15/02/2022 22:40

sorry, I think you have to let this play out without knowing the outcome, for a while longer. He'll either self-organise to make the current plan work or he'll end up doing something else. You cannot make him be wherever without you hand-holding -- & you cannot handhold forever.

neerg · 16/02/2022 07:09

I have just come across this thread and am going through exactly the same with my daughter. I also don't know what to do.
She was great at school attendance and work wise but has just lost her drive.
She made a wrong choice with one of her A levels.
We really are limping along but I just can't have her staying at home.
I have given her the option of staying at college, getting a job or an apprenticeship but she just isn't really doing anything. Again I work as a teacher and can not phone and check she has gone at the right times.
She looses phone every time she isn't at college,but she isn't bothered.
It's so sad.

spotcheck · 16/02/2022 07:17

@Hamjamwich

Our DS just had a college interview and I'm very disappointed what is classed as full time. One day nothing until 2pm and nothing all dag Friday. From a good school routine of being up early every day, this will be a pain to keep going.
That's because the balance between class time and independent study shifts at college.

They have more homework at college.

palestia · 23/03/2022 13:07

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