Need help with my 16 year old

Fizzingmad · 2022-02-11T15:09:58+00:00

Dd will be 17 in 6 months. How would you deal with your dc if you found out they had a fake id and had been at a pub a few times? I seem to be the only parent out of her friendship group that has a problem with this. I’m a total hypocrite though as I did the same at her age.

Kenworthington · 11/02/2022 15:42

It wouldn’t bother me tbh (ds23, ds19 and dd17)

BunnyRuddington · 11/02/2022 15:46

I'm probably the wrong one to ask. DS is one of the youngest in his friendship group and I actually suggested he get one recently.

I think it's much more important to talk to them about not being pressurised, consent and staying safe.

sadpapercourtesan · 11/02/2022 15:47

My 17yo has an arrangement with his older brother - he borrows his passport to get into clubs, in exchange for things I don't ask about.

My 17yo is doing a full-time college course and working quite substantial hours in a part-time job in his spare time. He's pretty much a functioning adult. I don't exercise any authority over his activities any more, but I am there if he wants to talk, which he frequently does (when he's worried about something he'll come and sit on our bed in the middle of the night to talk it out) and if I am worried about something in particular, I'll raise it and we'll talk, but his decisions are his own.

I would actually prefer he go to pubs and clubs with his friends than drink in parks in the freezing cold, personally. Safer and more pleasant for them. We have a huge cultural block around teenagers in this country. If they're out meeting up outside to socialise, they're antisocial and a nuisance. If they bend the rules and go to pubs and clubs a bit early, they're breaking the law. If they stay at home they're sad and weird and in their parents' space.

Imthenoisyneighbour · 11/02/2022 15:50

I’d rather they were using fake IDs and going to the pub rather than hanging around the streets bored.

Underage in a pub you’re more likely to be extra careful about getting really drunk and being thrown out and it’s expensive, which in my opinion is much better than drinking god knows what or how much in a park.

BunnyRuddington · 11/02/2022 15:50

Abs make sure she knows that you will pick her up, any time, any place without fuss. She can even blame you for being super strict and insisting she comes home if she's not comfortable with a situation and wants to get out.

GorgeousGoldies · 11/02/2022 15:51

My 16 yo DS also borrows his older brother’s ID. I was doing the same at 16.

It doesn’t really bother me as long as I know where he is, what time he’s coming home, how he’s getting home, who he’s with and that he’s not getting into an awful state (actually that’s quite a list of conditions now I look at it 😬)

Fastforwardtospring · 11/02/2022 15:51

DS 17 has one with my blessing, he’s one of the youngest in his friendship group, I wouldn’t want him left on his own outside somewhere, not at night, down the town.

titchy · 11/02/2022 15:52

Yep wouldn't bother me either. Given you did it and lived to tell the tale what are you concerned about specifically?

PandoraP · 11/02/2022 15:54

It wouldn’t bother me. I rather she drank in the pub than vodka in the field…

Original poster

Fizzingmad · 11/02/2022 16:08

Ok you’ve all made me feel much better! 😊

I’m not over the moon about it but I haven’t actually taken the ID off her and she was out last week. My only condition was that I pick her up and if she got too drunk then I would take it off her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fizzingmad · 11/02/2022 16:13

@titchy

Yep wouldn't bother me either. Given you did it and lived to tell the tale what are you concerned about specifically?

I think I’m just a worrier in genera. I’m hoping when she’s 18 I’ll have relaxed 😂

I think you are all right, it’s better being in a pub rather drinking in a field (which I also did at 16 )

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blyn72 · 11/02/2022 16:17

My son and his friends used to go to pubs at that age, so did I come to think about it. None of us had fake IDs, were not asked for them. It's normal, don't fret about it.

DumpedByText · 11/02/2022 16:27

It's nothing I didn't do at 16. I'm not a big believer in forbidding things. I've told my DD age 14, that I might not like something she's done, and I might be disappointed but no matter how much trouble she's in she has to tell me so I can help. Overly strict parents turn kids into good liars, you want your children to be able to confide in you, even if you might not like it!

My DD best friend (male) has strict parents, he's not allowed to watch 15 films, eat sweets, drink fizzy pop, eat junk food, all things teenagers do. They question everything he's done or eaten if they go out, and give him a hard time if they work out he's acted like a normal teenager, so he just lies to them now. I'm good friends with them, but I say nothing!

titchy · 11/02/2022 16:32

I think I’m just a worrier in genera. I’m hoping when she’s 18 I’ll have relaxed

Sorry - you won't! Mine's 23 and I still only half sleep till she's back from a night out. Which can be 5am if she's gone clubbing 😱

Original poster

Fizzingmad · 11/02/2022 16:51

@DumpedByText

It's nothing I didn't do at 16. I'm not a big believer in forbidding things. I've told my DD age 14, that I might not like something she's done, and I might be disappointed but no matter how much trouble she's in she has to tell me so I can help. Overly strict parents turn kids into good liars, you want your children to be able to confide in you, even if you might not like it!

My DD best friend (male) has strict parents, he's not allowed to watch 15 films, eat sweets, drink fizzy pop, eat junk food, all things teenagers do. They question everything he's done or eaten if they go out, and give him a hard time if they work out he's acted like a normal teenager, so he just lies to them now. I'm good friends with them, but I say nothing!

Wow that is super strict, no wonder he lies to them!

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Original poster

Fizzingmad · 11/02/2022 16:53

@titchy

I think I’m just a worrier in genera. I’m hoping when she’s 18 I’ll have relaxed

Sorry - you won't! Mine's 23 and I still only half sleep till she's back from a night out. Which can be 5am if she's gone clubbing 😱

Oh no! Don’t say that 😂😂😂

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lljkk · 11/02/2022 22:23

About 30 yrs ago I was shocked to hear some people discussing their under age kids regularly at pub -- and approving of it. Eye opening. Their logic was that the kids were at safe public places, not drinking in isolated creepy places. Wanting to avoid attention, they would keep their drinking amounts modest. Couldn't afford to buy a lot of drinks (prinks are more of a thing, now).

Reset my mindset.

200 yards from my home is the local drug-drink den. We get regular trickles of young people up & down road, going in & out of there in warm months. They dragged a mattress & sofa in. A falling down barn building posing a zillion hazards, barriered off but young ppl have a secret entrance. Police turn up occasionally. This is sleepy East Anglia where locals literally don't lock their house doors.

Sneaking into Pub is not so bad.

titchy · 11/02/2022 23:18

And in those days there was often a paternal landlord who'd keep an eye on the 'young uns' and make sure they didn't come to harm. Happy days!