Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

My kids are turning against. They're leaving me.

21 replies

Alicew00 · 09/02/2022 11:04

Last weekend my two boys 13 and 15 went to their fathers and told their dad (kind of Muslim but not fully) that my partner drinks and that they don't like it. My ex even sent a threatening message to my partner saying if you ever hurt my kids he'll kill him.but it's not like that at all. This is because all their life their dad hasn't bothered with them but now they're grown up he's letting them be around cause he doesn't have to look after babies and for the last year he's seen them they've been changing. And getting mean towards me. Their father took them to live with him but he called social services saying my partners nasty to them and that he will get violent. He NEVER HAS! not ever. He enjoys 2 or 3 drinks after work and then has tea and goes to sleep. He's not nasty or vile he's the loveliest I have ever been with. I'm feeling really numb right now and might just let him have them full time my heads a mess right now.
Social services say he hasn't done anything wrong but they will go and talk to my kids. My sons want to follow in their fathers steps it seems. So I might aswell let them :(
I don't know what to do.
Luckily my youngest child has a different dad and I never had this trouble before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alicew00 · 09/02/2022 11:06

We all had a laugh together and played games and all of a sudden my kids don't care about me. I told one of them that their dad called social services on me and he said so?
And then put ok.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alicew00 · 09/02/2022 11:06

My partner had only ever been nice. That's it and helped them fix their stuff that broke.

OP posts:

CorrBlimeyGG · 09/02/2022 11:10

Is your partner willing to reduce his drinking? Alcohol changes the way a person acts, if that is upsetting the children, maybe that's something your partner needs to consider?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 09/02/2022 11:12

Imo your dc are flattered by their df suddenly taking an interest. My ds's also fell under their abusive df's spell for a time. Then they moved here full time and actually went nc with exh.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2022 11:13

Your partner might be the 'loveliest You have ever been with' but that does not mean your children have had the same experience. Have You actually spoken to them?

Gizlotsmum · 09/02/2022 11:14

Do you think they are being influenced by their dad? At their ages they are raising concerns about your partner, how long has he been in the family home? You might need to consider why they are saying this.

HoodieHoodie · 09/02/2022 11:14

What EasterBunny says.
Be pleasant, keep channels open.
Once they realise what he’s like they’ll be back.
I think trying to persuade them to stay with you or forcing them would be counter productive right now.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2022 11:14

Your kids are saying they don't like it so why are You not listening to them?

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2022 11:15

The thing is you seem to put blame on your Ex for filling their heads, your sons for changing but nothing on your new Partner at all - and it is one of those things that cannot simply exist in a vacuum there must be a reason.

But you are potentially going to have to make a choice (although I think you already have) and live with it - and that could mean losing your sons

How long have you been with your Partner and does he live with you full time

Inspectorslack · 09/02/2022 11:16

Your partner sounds like he has an alcohol issue.

CorrBlimeyGG · 09/02/2022 11:16

How long have you been with this partner? Has he always been kind and loving?

FelicityPike · 09/02/2022 11:17

2-3 drinks every night? Or just occasionally?

Susu49 · 09/02/2022 11:19

How long have you been with your dp and how long has he been living with you?

Your sons are at an age where they become nightmares to be around, tbh, so some of their antagonism will be teenage stuff.

I wonder if the rest of it is down to rebelling against a father figure they resent? How is their relationship with them? Does he discipline them?

They may also just not enjoy living with him. They might want more time with you 1 on 1. Perhaps they feel they've lost you a bit or can't talk to you, do have time with them without your dp? How do you spend it? It might also be that they can't come to you with grumbles or annoyances about him because you don't listen? Maybe you're always quick to defend him and they don't feel listened to? Their complaints wouldn't have to be legitimate in terms of your dp actively doing something wrong but it's not easy living with others and if you don't listen then how can I compromise be reached?

There is also the possibility that he behaves differently with them when you're not around. Don't dismiss the idea too quickly, it's common, even in the 'lovliest' of people.

I'm theorising a lot here but they're questions to consider. I'd also suggest spending time with just them and listening to why they're so unhappy atm. Without judgement.

I agree that if they're uncomfortable with his drinking then he could cut back from 2-3 to 1-2 and perhaps not every night.

AlternativePerspective · 09/02/2022 11:20

So, your ex is apparently turning the kids against you, and you’re trying to turn the kids against him by telling them he reported you to social services.

Sounds like you’re both playing petty games aimed at getting back at one another and the kids are caught in the middle.

And your partner having a few drinks every night and then going straight to sleep does sound as if he’s a drinker.

And all this “my partner is the loveliest” stuff just sounds as if you’re in denial.

Your ex may well be a piece of work, we have no idea. But there’s no getting away from the fact your partner is a drinker and your kids don’t like it. You need to do something about that, either get him to stop/cut down on his drinking or get rid.

Susu49 · 09/02/2022 11:20

*posted too soon

Teenagers often drift from parents and seem to seek to cut them out of their lives. Most of the time it isn't permanent, try not to take it too personally. Give them space, ensure they know you're there for them and ready to listen and if it just teenage angst they will come back to you in time.

HollowTalk · 09/02/2022 11:24

It sounds as though your kids are using your partner's drinking to get attention from their dad.

seekinglondonlife · 09/02/2022 11:25

OP if as you say you have nothing to worry about Re SS then I'd let them find themselves within their new relationship with their DF. Be non judgemental, but also put in boundaries, don't allow them to talk to you badly etc. But it's important not to make this about their DF, so don't blame their father to them as it will only make things worse.
It's also very important to take on board what they are saying Re the alcohol.

irene9 · 09/02/2022 11:29

Why did you tell your son that his Dad called social services on you? Don't be involving them in your fights with your Ex. Does your partner have 3 drinks every night after work? How much does he drink on nights he's not working?
Your teens are entitled to say they don't like someone when they are drinking I think that's fair enough.
If the situation here where the partner was a woman and she drank 3 drinks every night after work she'd be called an alcoholic.
Maybe it's not OK to be drinking every night in front of teenage boys. Is it 3 large cans or 3 whiskeys or what?

Branleuse · 09/02/2022 11:32

Id play it very carefully here. How long has your partner been living with you? Is it quite new?

I think it would be a good idea to talk to the boys together. Take them out somewhere just you and them, or even one at a time, but ask them whats going on. Tell them youve noticed that they seem unsettled with the situation at home, and youre getting comments and messages from their dad, and you want to get a better idea of how they are feeling and what they want you to do about it. Ask them to be reasonable and that theyre teenagers now, and will be men soon so you want to give them respect and you want that respect to be both ways. Are they even asking to live with their dad or just see him more?
Id tell them that you dont want to slate their dad nor do you think he should be slating you, as youre both just human and some stuff you get wrong and some stuff you get right, like anybody and you just want a more peaceful homelife. Id tell them that theyre old enough to decide who to live with as their main base, but that you just want them to be aware, and to remember that if anyone tries to turn them against a family member, even if that person is also a family member, then to always be aware that theres two sides to every story, and that theyll always have a home with you.

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 12:05

This is a normal part of growing up. Teen boys are wondering how to become adult males; and it's absolutely normal and natural they look to the genetic blueprint, their biological dad, and begin to identify themselves with him, rather than their mother. Mine did this (and their dad and I are happily married) They will also measure themselves against him. (tough for mothers; but probably even tougher for the Dads. Don't worry, when they reach adulthood they miraculously turn out really nice after all).

Disney dad has set himself up as their mentor and role model; god help the poor sap. Trust me, they will spot and excavate every tiny hole and crack in his inexperienced amateur performance. Seen from the perspective of the loving care, home life comforts and values they've been raised with by you and take for granted.

I would graciously allow them to spend more time with him, an interesting education for them and him.

EX gets to shoulder some of the strain of raising teens. About time too.
You get to have some pleasant relaxed threesome time with DP and your youngest. A treat in a large family.
Social services recognise you are being a good mum by letting the boys build a relationship with bio dad.
When they come back to home comforts, your teen boys will appreciate you and your DP so much more :-)

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 12:17

@HollowTalk

It sounds as though your kids are using your partner's drinking to get attention from their dad.

I would bet that he has questioned them about every aspect of your DP; and being kids they have answered with innocent truths Ex is now trying to weaponise .

ex "Does he drink Alcohol?"
kids "Yes dad. he has a drink when he gets home from work."
Ex "In my religion alcohol is banned, yeah? It's BAD"
kids " Yes dad".
Ex " so he's VERY BAD to drink in front of you, understand?"
kids "yes dad".
Ex " Make sure you tell your mother that. Tell her drinking is BAD. I'll be checking you told her".
kids "yes dad".

Flip