Dreaded Teen Years

[MrsDenzel]

elp Needed!

My 13 year old daughter is being an absolute nightmare, not at school but at home, school gave her a glowing report which shows to me, she isnt a disrespectful person, she is just behaving like that at home.

I’ve recently found out she had been vaping. She was grounded for this, shown her pictures etc of what it can do to you but I am sure she is still doing it when she’s with her friends, although I have no proof.

Its now escalated to the point of swearing. Today she has told me to piss off, said she is sick of living in this f@ck!n house. She also stated if I ever laid a hand on her she would slap me back (I’ve never used physical discipline as a punishment).

I’m at the end of my tether, I feel physically and mentally unwell. She doesn’t seem to care I’ve even cried to her asking what’s the matter with her. I dont know what to do anymore 😢

I've received a phonecall tonight from my DD friends mother who found a vape in her daughters bag, DD friend said it was both hers and my daughters.

She is now grounded and no phone. I keep reading that you shouldn't ground them or take away their phones as its their line of communication but what else can you do?

Her parents evening was fantastic and teachers said she can go far but at home she is getting out of control.

This morning asked for her phone back "said its f@uck!n bad parenting and called me a b!t&ch.

Is grounding her and no phone unreasonable for swearing at me and vaping?

@loopygoose06

We talk a great deal I’m our podcasts about how to get your teenager to do things and how to communicate with them. The difficulty is going from a parenting role in which you make all the rules, and they have to follow them, to stage where they push against that in an attempt to become adults themselves.

The best thing to do, I’ve found, is to provide clear guidance on what is healthy/unhealthy, then let them make up their own mind. So with vaping you explain why you would prefer they didn’t do it, how harmful it can be, how the companies who are selling vapes are just trying to find a different sales model to push their products because everyone knows how dangerous cigarettes are. All she is doing is setting herself up for a onetime of addiction and your think she’s better than that.

Make sure you praise her for all the amazing things she is doing right, too. When you child feels connected to you then they are invested in your relationship. They are then far more likely to want to please you. The rod is a very short-term measure for teenagers.

We talk a lot about these issues on our Teenagers Untangled podcast, which you can find on all major platforms.

We’ll be covering vaping next.

Thanks I I will give the podcast a listen.

I do praise her all the time, for example her parents evening was fantastic, I tell her how much I love her and have always done this her whole life.

I am finding the transition very difficult from my loving little girl to this teenager who now calls me a bitch and such like.

I tried to view the horrid behaviour as a positive transition into adulthood.

They are breaking away from being totally reliant on you, and the way they do that is to literally fall out with you. Deliberately.

It's really healthy for her to do this (in an overall sense) so don't worry. But don't rise to the bait. You may not be her 'friend' for the next while in areas where you used to be, she will want privacy, she may want to experiment (vape) and unfortunately you have to accept that you no longer know everything about her, she is becoming her own person and making her own decisions (and mistakes) and you can't always rescue her.

Vaping is not the end of the world. If this is the risky behaviour, she will be fine. Personally I'd not take on the battle of vaping, I might take the piss, but not a battle.

(I have 2 well adjusted and pleasant late teens....well they are now!)

p.s. my teens both vaped when they were 14. They don't now. Neither are they drug addicts or smokers. Piss taking was the best option.

Grounding her and punishing her will push her further away. Personally, (and don't take this badly as understandably you care about you DD), I think grounding and punishing is a bit of a lazy default choice parents resort to, because they haven't thought of anything better to correct the 'misbehaviours'.

So she's vaping ? There are worse things. And whilst you may not want to her to do this, teens WILL do stuff you don't want them to. Smoke, sex, drinking etc. You cant stop her - other than, well, grounding her. And thus further damaging your relationship. She needs to make her own mistakes and know that you will be there for her when she eventuality comes back to you. She won't ever do this is she thinks you'll default to punishing her.

It won't be a quick fix but you really need to put yourself in her shoes and try to understand where she's coming from more.

Being rude to you is never acceptable and you should look into natural consequences for her when she is ungrateful/rude etc. I don't know, maybe, every time she's rude to you, you'll stop doing something around the house that you would normally do for her. But you need to look into that more.

I used to smoke as a teen and quickly quit realising I didn't want damaged skin, hair nails etc. Vain I know. She's got to come to these realisations herself. I did lots of naughty things at her age. Dangerous stuff looking back. Sneaking out to go drinking with older kids at night... got my belly button pierced behind my mother's back. She initially wanted to ground me but she knew that wouldn't work. I would still go behind her back anyway because I was strong willed and your daughter sounds the same. I was never rude to my mother however. She decided in the end to actually listen to me and understand me, coming for a chat one night in my room. We bonded and made up. She wanted to understand me.

Sounds like she won't converse with you much, you'll have to build or rebuild that dialogue over time.

To add, the more you make a big deal about her behaviour and continue arguing etc, the more she's likely to act up. Parenting is playing the long game, there are no short term fixes.

Just another thought - have you read the Lorraine Candy book about raising teenage girls? It's called Mum, What's Wrong With You? and it may just have some pearls of wisdom for you. If nothing else, it'll reassure you you're far from alone.