I am finding it hard to cope with DD

[MMac86]

For the past 2 years I have struggled to manage my DD.
They are constantly in trouble at school and when I mean constantly, it is most days. Detentions for rudeness, no homework, truancy etc.
With that comes punishment, but they do not seem to care when they are grounded. When I have tried to take their phone, world war breaks loose and it has ended with self harm or running away from home.
There is constant friction and arguments - DD refuses to accept or listen to reason - I may as well be talking another language.
DD has started seeing a counsellor and it seems that her main compliant is that I am 'always at her' - but then of course I am because they are constantly in trouble?
I am starting to feel fairly ill with all of this - the smallest thing can really affect me and quite frankly I am exhausted with it all. Or do I need to grow a pair and just ride it out? Is this 'normal' behaviour?

Its a tough one to be honest. I feel I get caught in a circle and it is hard to break.

I would maybe sit down and say clean slate, some ground rules you expect, full attendance at school and good behaviour at school no trouble. In return you will allow this or that.

Basically come to an agreement that benefits you both. It is all shout compromise at this age, allowing them to grow and make their own decisions but also following your ground rules as the same time.

It is do easy to lose control when arguing all the time so try and defuse the situation by apologising and saying you want a fresh start as it can't carry on the way it has been.

And good luck it is a tough time for teens and parents alike!

How old is she?

Do you pick your battles?
I would think detention because of whatever is the punishment, there’s no point in you having a go or continuing the punishment when she’s home.

I would have a chat, say you want a fresh start, lay down ground rules for you both so she feels included. Try not to have too many and agree on the consequences. Again though this is for poor behaviour at home. Let school deal with school stuff.

What is she interested in doing? Can you spend time with her doing things she likes and rebuild that bond? Not as a reward for good behaviour just because she’s your daughter and it’s time for you to spend together.

I hope things improve

OP Are you a single parent? If not then both of you need to tackle the situation.
There needs to be a set of ground rules. Your teen needs to learn to respect you. You do not have to be friends but there has to be respect for the person who puts a roof over her head and meals and the rest.
Pocket money has to be earned it is not a right.
Taking the mobile away causes self harm or running away so she does respond to your actions.
You need to find a way of positive response instead and this can be achieved by talking and finding compromise.
Perhaps involve a third party when talking so the level of abuse is muted somewhat?

I always comment on these threads because I was this teen.

Please look into ADHD in women/girls/teens.

Why are they acting out? Any idea? It feels like you’re treating the symptoms to the issue but maybe not the issue
Could they be depressed? Insecure? Low self esteem? Trying to fit in? Showing off? Covering up academic inability in certain classes?

Are they rude at home? Or just school?
I think the answers to these questions may help you figure out the root of the problem

Do you ever do anything nice together? Or are they just going to school and getting told off then coming home and getting told off?

It’s really difficult op, some of its normal and some of it may be more than that, it’s great you’ve got her in with someone she can talk to as well

Agree with @Myadhdusername my first thought was ADHD too. I have similar problems with my DD and we’ve had a referral for diagnosis

I'm just hear you say I know what you are going through and it's shit!
We have an autism assessment gone in for our year 7 DD but it's going to take years.
Our evenings and weekends are full of arguments and trying to encourage her to homework (she wouldn't be able to cope if she didn't do it but struggles to focus to do it!)
Family life is absolutely shit! We do everything for her, we try to help her, we are as calm as possible with her and we support her but we are given back anger and tantrums.
It's heartbreaking and we don't know how to change this.
Behaviour is communication, is there something going on that she's not telling you about? If you don't think she's ND then speak to her and figure out what's going on. Let her take the punishment at school but then let home be her comfort and safe space, no judgment and then she might be able to open up,
It could be that she's like my DD and can't tell you anything and that she just doesn't understand how she's feels, all she knows is she's different to everyone else and she's trying to fit in.

I feel you OP, my DD is in with a bad crowd, not going to class on time, no effort in class, crap reports, vaping, constant bad messages home from school. It was really stressing me out, I have 2 primary DC as well as work, studying myself etc.

I spoke to the school when a particularly bad week happened where she was late to every class for a week, she is now on a class attendance register, she had her phone removed until I saw an improvement in her school behaviour and more effort in class. She was not allowed out to see her friends until I saw an improvement. I had several discussions with her and she had no good reason to why she was like this but it’s only started since she got in with these girls

Basically I am choosing my battles now, vaping I’m not happy about it but the rule is it isn’t done in or near my house, I sent her a load of information on it so she could be well informed etc. her behaviour at school has now improved but she is aware she will lose privileges if she reverts. I’m hoping she’ll get out of this friendship group soon. I have also now taken a step back more for my own sanity, she will make mistakes.

I was like this as a teenager. I would really really try to pick battles wisely. As someone said if she is punished at school (which with the strict approach of a lot of modern schools is easily done) then maybe make home more of a safe space from constant criticism.

I was always always being told off. You have to try and imagine being in that position constantly doing the wrong thing and constantly adults are cross with you. Also. Is it working anyway?

Maybe try a different tactic of low key not reacting and sympathise if she has had trouble at school. I think teenagers have it very hard nowadays so many rules at school it's very very intense. And then constsnt pressure of social media.

Not saying you are not doing all this already just a thought. I grew out of teenage moodiness in my own time.