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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter’s ‘friend’ called me a horrible name

27 replies

LunaLivia · 05/02/2022 10:28

My 13-year old told me last night that her friend had called me the c word ( and something else too, very unpleasant and relating to my appearance). The reason was that I had disagreed with something the girls had been discussing… totally unwarranted.
This girl acts older than she is and is incredibly confident. I find her loud and a bit overpowering, but she also seems like a nice girl. My daughter tells me that recently the girl has started swearing all the time, the words just trip off her tongue.

Apparently she later apologised to my daughter but still, I feel uncomfortable about having her around now! Do I just pass this off as normal teen behaviour and pretend she never told me? I worry my daughter is afraid to stand up to this girl and I’ve told her she needs to feel confident enough to call her out. I’m sure my teen is no angel and no doubt she’s tried out swearing too, but she’s a sensitive, kind child. I’m pretty certain she’d never be so rude or unpleasant.

OP posts:

MrsRugbyMa · 05/02/2022 10:31

That sounds horrible. I have no advice as would be fuming. I don't think this is a nice girl though, she sounds like a bully.

WimpoleHat · 05/02/2022 10:31

My 13-year old told me last night that her friend had called me the c word ( and something else too, very unpleasant and relating to my appearance).

I reckon she told you because she wanted some guidance from you as to what her reaction ought to be, if you see what I mean? That’s an entirely inappropriate way to speak to someone about their mother. I’m not sure I’d be happy to have that child in my house again, I must admit….

CoddledAsAMommet · 05/02/2022 10:42

There are some moments in parenting that are really pivotal. Of course, all the day to day things add up to help your children grow to be adults but every now and then a situation arises that will have a profound effect on who your child will grow to be and the way they'll cope with the rest of their lives. This is one of these moments.

Don't lose sight of the fact that you are the adult and the two girls are children.
Do not let the girl into your home again. Your home is a safe space for your DD where she can escape behaviour she doesn't like. And she doesn't like it, otherwise she wouldn't have told you.
Teach her that boundaries are good. If someone is unpleasant to you or calls you names, you do not have to accept this.
Teach her that both she and her friend are children; they'll make mistakes and learn as the grow so this one incident doesn't define the friend forever, but you are still free to establish your boundary.
Teach her that home is safe, outside influences stay outside and thatthe influences inside your home are the ones that matter.
Above all, Teach her that unpleasantness is unpleasant, and that being unpleasant has an effect. The friend must face the consequences of being unpleasant. Just as an unpleasant boyfriend, manager or 'friend'in the future will. And if she is unpleasant then she too will have to face consequences for it.

VariableVera · 05/02/2022 11:16

That's not a nice thing to find out op but it is a very good thing that your DD felt able to speak to you about this. It's hard to know how to reply without more info though. How did your daughter react? How serious is the friendship and do you know this girl's family? And when you say you disagreed with something; what was it about? I must admit I wouldn't want my daughter associating with anyone who spoke this way about anyone, never mind me!

A couple of things would concern me about this. At their age, they are sorting out new friendships at secondary school and almost trying out new personalities and you want your daughter to fall in with a kind, supportive group of friends. This girl's behaviour might be a red flag that your daughter is starting to run with the wrong crowd? It might be worth checking out?

Is your daughter able to stand up to this girl and hold her own? Is there any chance she might be intimidated by her? If you found her loud and overpowering, is your daughter being bullied (albeit subtly) by her?

I think my answer would be different if this girl was older (in which I would have no hesitation in banning her from my house) but as they are fairly young, personally I think I would tackle this by talking to your daughter about respect and boundaries, and tell her that you would immediately terminate a friendship where a friend said something so nasty about a member of your family. But it's up to her to decide what is best to do, but that she should think very carefully about this friendship.

I'd also say that you are reluctant to let this girl back in the house, and will only think about doing so if this is all brought out in to the open and she comes to you and apologies in person. And even then you may not let her back in the house! And I would tell the girl to her face that this is absolutely no way to behave to someone who has given her hospitality and more importantly that if she is a real friend to your daughter then she wouldn't speak about her family that way and my further actions would depend on her reactions. I wouldn't necessarily invite her back. You do not want your daughter to continue seeing her behind your back though, or get to the point that your daughter can't speak to you about her friendships, so be careful to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter.

InFiveMins · 05/02/2022 11:19

She was probably just showing off. Teenagers say and do stupid things. I wouldn't take it to heart and would just let your DD know you wouldn't be happy with her using the same type of language etc.

FlapsInTheWind · 05/02/2022 11:21

There's a fair chance that she told you as she wants you to step in and end the friendship so she doesn't have to.

Ask her if this is the case and the next time the girl comes around you can tell her that you don't want her near your DC anymore.

Original poster

LunaLivia · 05/02/2022 11:26

Do not let the girl into your home again. Your home is a safe space for your DD where she can escape behaviour she doesn't like. And she doesn't like it, otherwise she wouldn't have told you.

This is my instinct but part of me thinks this might make things more difficult for my daughter. This girl is very confident as I say and if she starts telling classmates what happened, my daughter will be seen as a snitch. Is there an argument for teaching kids to navigate their own friendships?
I also believe that the comment was probably more about trying out recently acquired language and being ‘cool’ rather than downright malicious. Said in the heat of the moment. But I have of course told my daughter it’s totally unacceptable and that she needs to be able to stand up for what she knows is right.

I also know the girls’ parents (slightly), both very pleasant people. Part of me would like to tell her mother, part of me thinks let my daughter sort this out herself.
As someone said above, I believe she told me because she wants my guidance. I told her what I think and we discussed boundaries and feeling ‘safe’. I suppose the issue is about having this girl in our house again (if she wanted to invite her).
It’s tricky.

OP posts:

Seeline · 05/02/2022 11:34

I'm interested in the original discussion. You say you disagreed with something b- did you perhaps embarrass the other girl or make her feel stupid in front of her friends. Maybe her loud behaviour could be a front and she is not as confident as you think she is?

Binglebong · 05/02/2022 11:34

I would be inclined to tell your daughter that if she wants to tell her friend you banned her that's OK. You are happy to be the bad guy so she doesn't have to be, but in reality the decision is her.

Branleuse · 05/02/2022 11:36

I give young teenagers some leeway for dickhead behaviour.
Can you ask your daughter what brought that insult on? Was your daughter complaining about you?
In my experience with teenagers they can be very dramatic and complain about how terrible their parents are. Their teenage friends dont always have the maturity to try and see both sides. Also they think theyre doing the right thing by telling someone that someone else has said things about them. Telling things on a "need to know" basis just doesnt occur.

I would obviously not be happy to hear about this comment, but id try and find out the context. Id ask your daughter how on earth that came up, and what did she think about it. Id also talk to her about if she does want to use her friend to let off steam about you, then to maybe not drop her friend in it either

Seeline · 05/02/2022 11:36

Also, at 13 it is highly likely they are all swearing amongst themselves. As long as they know when it is not acceptable to use bad language, I think you just have to accept that.

Original poster

LunaLivia · 05/02/2022 11:48

@Seeline

No, I didn’t embarrass her. I wasn’t there. My daughter told her I didn’t believe some ‘news’ they’d seen on Tik Tok. I tell my daughter she needs to be really careful about believing everything she sees on sites like that. It sounds ridiculous and it is… the girl’s reaction was to call me what she did.

OP posts:

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 05/02/2022 12:00

I agree with PP in that there is a reason your daughter told you about her friends behaviour. If her friend came to my house again I would address what she said directly with her. Your daughter needs to see that you won't tolerate that behaviour. I'd tell her i wouldn't put up with a friend talking about her like that and I would act accordingly. I think it's a disgusting way to speak about a friends family and id make it known I felt that way.

Branleuse · 05/02/2022 12:20

In that case, did your daughter tell her friend not to be so bloody rude.
Ask your daughter what she wants you to do with this information? Tell her that you dont want people that disrespect you in your home

Seeline · 05/02/2022 12:24

How did your DD tell her friend your views?

'My mum has warned me to be careful believing everything on TT', is very different to 'My mum says you're a f*ing idiot coz you thought ??? was true'.

MissyB1 · 05/02/2022 12:29

She doesn’t sound like a great influence to have around your dd, and I wouldn’t want her in my house. Ask your dd if a real “friend” would say such vile things about her mum?
Keep a close eye on this friendship.

Original poster

LunaLivia · 05/02/2022 12:36

@Branleuse

In that case, did your daughter tell her friend not to be so bloody rude. Ask your daughter what she wants you to do with this information? Tell her that you dont want people that disrespect you in your home

She said she was so shocked, she didn’t say anything. There were other friends there too and she felt embarrassed and humiliated. Then later the girl apologised on WhatsApp and my daughter ‘forgave’ her. This all happened a week ago and my daughter has been feeling upset about it ever since, and guilty that she didn’t tell me before. Obviously I’m very glad that she felt able to tell me eventually.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 05/02/2022 12:56

your daughter sounds really sweet OP. I would tell her that youre proud of her, and understand why it made her feel rubbish and feel differently about her friend. Tell her that its a shame that her friend is so rude and disrespectful, but that she doesnt need to worry about you, as you have more important things to worry about than a random 13 year olds opinion on a grown up she hardly knows

VariableVera · 05/02/2022 13:10

Mmmm...bit of a drip feed there op ...did the girl apologise one to one on WhatsApp or in a group chat?

If the former then I would say that this girl was insulting you in front of friends to bully and test your daughter to see if she would speak up in your defence. Definitely power play at work. This girl is no friend of your daughter. She was trying to gain popularity by showing off. She is not a good influence at all. And she is exploiting your dd's lack of self confidence.

Her choice of words is telling too , she sounds quite clever. It would be interesting to know how she gets on with her own mother. She is probably quite jealous of the relationship that your daughter has with you.

You need to talk to your dd about boundaries and boost her confidence. Tell her it is OK to call out behaviour that is unacceptable to her. The next time this happens (because it will with some other choice of words) prepare your dd to stand up for herself and what she believes in. It's a very hard thing to learn

SisterAgatha · 05/02/2022 13:15

This is one of those instances where I would be entirely happy for my DC to tell someone to fuck off. As a kid I was always taught not to rock the boat, don’t make a scene, let it go, forgive and forget. I wish someone had told me it’s ok to tell someone to fuck off.

The other child is asserting their dominance and pushing the boundary as to what DD will take. If she doesn’t push back on this the friend will think it’s ok and continue. I’d tell DD to tell her firmly, in the eye, in as loud and strong a voice as possible, “you will not talk about my mother like that.” Not; please don’t, or I’d like you if you didn’t. YOU WILL NOT.

SisterAgatha · 05/02/2022 13:16

I’d like it*

WildPoinsettia · 05/02/2022 13:32

It s also worth mentioning to DD that she doesn't have to forgive people just because they apologized. Especially where "forgiveness" actually means brushing it under the carpet and pretending it never happened. "Sorry" doesn't make it ok. Coming back from treating someone badly requires more than that and sometimes there is no coming back from it. That your DD is still upset about this after the apology means it was probably nothing more than a throwaway apology that meant nothing.

Eightiesfan · 05/02/2022 13:50

This doesn’t have to have the narrative of your daughter being a snitch. All she needs to say to this girl is that she didn’t like how she spoke about you,, it was rude especially as she was in your house at the time, so she’s no longer welcome. Your daughter and her friends may even be relieved not to be exposed to this girl whilst she’s going through her sweary, potty mouth phase.

Original poster

LunaLivia · 05/02/2022 15:10

That’s very perceptive @VariableVera This girl is very smart and she also has a tricky relationship with her mother (from what my daughter has said). Her mum is a bit of a high flyer and has often been away for work. It’s obvious she’s a lot closer to her dad. My daughter actually commented once that she felt sorry for the mum as her friend was openly hostile to her at home and the dad said nothing.
I wasn’t really thinking of it in those terms but it’s quite possible she feels envious of my daughter’s close relationship to me.
Doesn’t excuse the foul language and power play of course, but makes me feel a bit more sympathetic towards her.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 05/02/2022 15:13

If I were your DD I’d continue to socialise with potty mouth friend in group settings at school, but just not invite her to your home. Easy to find reasons why it’s not convenient, loads of homework, clubs, other family and friends commitments.

DD can always tell the girl that she doesn’t believe that her apology was genuine and that you don’t deserve to be spoken about like that.

I also think that she is envious of your DD and not particularly emotionally intelligent. I’d encourage DD to hang out with the other friends.

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