12 yr old gaming addiction

[Maximum71]

We have recently realized that DSS (12 year old) has a gaming addiction.
What I've read so far is that a gaming addiction is comparable to any addiction. The more you game the more serotonin is produced but the more you need to game to keep up the increase in serotonin. I've also read gaming is used to avoid having to deal with negative situations in your life (of which he has experienced many in the past)
We have recently taken his game off him after some negative behavior on his game. The first day - when he is going cold turkey - he is absolutely horrible. The next day he sleeps all day and is then back to his lovely self. He will not meet his friends after school or at the weekend because he said they are all playing their game. But he will also not meet them when he has his game because he scared of missing out on playing his game.

We want to know the best ways to regulate his use on the game - we were thinking of 2 hours a day- as we've said he can have his game back in the middle of half term. Turning off the Wi-Fi is just not a possibility as I work from home and the other kids all need the Wi-Fi to.
We do not want to turn the Wi-Fi off when we go to bed that means all the big kids will not be able to watch their TVs in their rooms. He sneaks back onto his game in the middle of the night.

He will not join any clubs that I suggest and he will also not do anything with me or his dad.
Asking anyone with experience- what times are the best for him to go on his game - school days / weekends- and how did you do it? Sometimes we are physically not home to take his controller off him etc.
Would love non judgmental reactions. Thank you so much.

Maybe I should have mentioned That we tried bringing down his game to the TV lounge. But that just meant all the other kids couldn't use the TV lounge while he was sat there typing away on his keyboard screaming in excitement at his friends. When he was asked could he stop playing after a 3 to 4 hour session he would have a crying meltdown.

I would consider getting proper treatment for him - either CAHMS or a private therapist. I know CBT can be used for this. It might be that it’s too difficult to reintroduce in a healthy way and therefore it has to be removed permanently. Obviously he would need support to find other ways to socialise but it might be the lesser of two evils.

Instead of turning the WiFi off impacting everyone else just remove the power lead.

How often is he at your house? Is the other parent on board? If gaming is what he wants to do how about a compromise and A more family friendly consol like a switch with short games to bring everyone together a bit more?

@SarahBasil any tips on how we get him to even agree to go for treatment? He is completely in denial that he is addicted.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime
He is with us 97.5 percent of the time. As I mentioned- we are not always home to physically remove items from his room to prevent him from playing after his allotted 'time slot'

I think it sounds like he needs proper treatment, have you spoken to the GP or CAHMS?
I would personally be inclined to remove the console completely. Cold turkey - an alcoholic cannot drink again, I would think it works on the same principle with gaming.

@Mama1980 I get completely where you're coming from - but I'm hoping he can (as one poster suggested) with the help of CBT - learn to deal with his addiction. I don't want to take it off him as he loves his game but I'd love him to realise the effect it's having on him and deal with it accordingly. I'd be worried if I took away one addiction- he's going to find another one.

Have you googled ‘time limits’ for Xbox or PS5? I’m pretty sure there are ways of imposing limits on the software - check your user accounts.

Btw, pretty much every young lad I’ve ever known has experienced this ‘addiction’ for a couple of years between 12-15ish when they then discover girls and other stuff. Don’t think it necessarily means he needs therapy, just managing.

Ds, now 18, was obsessed, and of course it’s also the technology they use to chat to friends, which makes it even more difficult to turn off. He got bored with it around the age of 15-16 and is now on his way to Oxford, so hasn’t ruined him academically . From memory I think we restricted to a couple of hours a night mid-week, but let him crack on at weekends. He spent days on it, but we did give him lots of notice for events he had to attend.

Hi op no judgement here. One of the problems is thr lack of appealing alternative and I wonder if some work and energy could go into that. He says he won't be able to see friends as they are gaming...could you make it part of a deal with him that he does build up even the beginnings of a social life outside gaming..this is part of the resilience and positive mental health changes that will help him

I know 12 is a difficult age to interfere but firstly I would try to speak to other parents and find out if they feel the same concerns. They may also be very desperate to get their own 12 year old off the gaming and into the real world.

I have a son who is nearly this age and would be happy if another parent reached out. I'm always trying yo get my son out and off the games.

Could you make a list of youth clubs or other activities locally and insist he gives them a go?

Tell him thst he can only have the games if he begins to work on expanding his interests even a little bit.

Can't actually believe the posts suggesting therapy I mean for goodness sake.

Before therapy try standard limits and strict rules. Tell him the hours he's allowed it - not 'x hours a day' because it's hard to monitor but the times of day he has free access. And let him know that it he breaks this and sneaks onto it in between then it gets removed for a week. And stick to it.

My eldest boys are nearly 12 and 14.

They are allowed gaming between 7pm and 9pm each school night (bedtime is 9.30) - providing that before 7 they've eaten dinner, done their homework and any after school activity and done their chores.

Weekends they're allowed free reign before 10am and from 6pm onwards...with the provision that they might not get the full time if we have a day trip, takeaway or family meal, game night etc. Bed time varies on Fri and Sat.

And I've learnt to be a stone cold bitch about it. Poor behaviour like banging your desk or screaming or raging? Off and it's gone for the rest of that day.

Want to try arguing or debating the point with me or backchatting? Well done, now it's gone till Friday. And I stick to it every single time.

@SeeminglyOblivious
We have tried this. We take it off him for a week when he goes past the times we agreed to. It doesn't help - I'm trying to add a photo - every single point is applicable to him. I am genuinely feeling quite panicked about it. I need to stress that He has not had a normal childhood. And I am his stepmum who he would prefer not to have to live with (if he had a choice) but I don't take it personally

@Notonetojudge reassured me a bit. Thanks

@Maximum71 I can honestly say that every one of those criteria on that list bar ‘secretly gaming’ (not physically possible in our environment) would have applied to my son.
Especially the last one.
He has three showers a day sometimes now

Google screen time limits for whatever platform he’s using

I think your DS needs an extended period away for gaming if he ticks all the boxes on the list. Could you remove the games console from the house. Then agree you might return it in 6/12 months time if -

DS engages in therapy (you will probably have to pay privately)
DS attends a club of his choice every week so he can socialise with children his own ages - it could be anything, sports, scouts, coding club, etc
DS meets up with friends twice a month. He could have a friend round or he could go to someone’s house or you could give him money to go to Starbucks/McDonalds with a friend.

I’m very interested in this. Ds is obsessed with gaming and watching YouTubers gaming. It has been hard as dh has been extremely ill in the last 6 months so whilst I’ve been at work, he’s had a lot of time to game.

No judgement from me. This can be a nightmare for parents nowadays. Prior to this, what activities did he enjoy?

CAMHS might be worth contacting but I wouldn't expect anything fast unless you're in an area where there's not much demand. So you may still need to manage something to limit or stop his usage on the meantime if you end up waiting a couple of years for help CAMHS like many other families are at the moment.

My 12 year old niece starting having problems a year ago and school approached parents with concerns on how she's struggling with life. Over the last year it's developed into her being suicidal and CAMHS have essentially said it's a three year wait unless it escalates, they suggested school counselling but there's a waiting list there and the GP won't medicate without any kind of diagnosis, which CAMHS have said will take about another three years because of waiting lists and they suggest GP or School in the meantime. It's heartbreaking.

I'd speak to the school and see if they have any kind of pastoral or counselling as that might be quicker or something to do if CAMHS do have a long wait.

My sibling is low income and can't afford private but that might also be an option if you have the funds. Although if he won't engage I'm not sure what can be done there.

Like other addictions, continuing to use might might not be a good idea, adults struggle coming off things they're addicted ir to limit themselves to a healthy amount without professional help and some period of abstinence usually happen before that while they work on their mindset, your sons brain hasn't finished developing and from what you've described already, he won't be able to continue consuming a healthy amount without acknowledging what he's doing at present is unhealthy and I know you don't want to because he enjoys it but I'd be removing the games altogether for the time being as he can not self moderate and actively takes steps to break your boundaries.

RE the wifi, you could change the password and make sure he isn't given it, and then when it's turn of time you boot his device from your router. But it sounds likes you'll have the meltdowns night after night until he's gotten help.

We are with BT broadband (fibre) and can turn off WiFi to specific devices (i.e. DS' gaming computer and mobile phone). Does your broadband system allow you to do this?

He is 14 and we turn off the WiFi (and confiscate phone) at 8 pm. He's only allowed on it after completing homework, and it's not on it at all in mornings. Effectively this means he gets 2-3 hours per day. He has much more time on it at weekends - pretty much all day other than walks, meals, gym, sport etc. (we still turn off at 8 pm, evil parents that we are). Per PP, we always follow through with turning off Wi-Fi for any poor behaviour. He lives in fear of that!

Forget cahms. Can you afford specific gaming expert help?

If you aren't going yo stop the gaming it needs to be incredibly boundaries. So he knows without a shadow of a doubt he gets 1 hour a day. My own kids are far far worse if they are allowed long periods of gaming.

3 to 4 hours at his age is just so unhealthy and clearly he is being damaged by it if he has tantrums afterwards.

Move the console to a family area.
Set time limits and on it and mobiles left downstairs at night

Update- he has actually met up with a friend after school tonight. Wonders never cease. We are still pondering the best plan of 'attack' for him. DH wants to start again with strict boundaries when we do eventually give the game back.
@Mew1ingQuim I'm so so sorry for your niece and your family.. it's so maddening not to be able to get (or afford ) the mental health support you need. We experienced something similar with my brother years ago.

Get Qustodio installed. Turn off the console when you want to.

Those damn phones, I wish they would all move onto fire kindles instead.