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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son's friends parents

23 replies

Partyatnumberten · 31/01/2022 20:56

It was my son's 16th last week. We are not well off but we do ok. I got him some things he had asked for along with a few surprises. I also took the evening off so we could go for dinner. This didn't end up happening he wanted to stay over at his mates house, of course I said go. I wanted him to do what made him happy on his birthday. I've just found out his mates parents threw a party for him. Cake, presents, all his friends stayed there. I am so hurt, it's really upset me. I haven't let my son know how I feel, I don't want to put it on him. Would you be OK with this?. I'm not sure what I want from this I just wanted to say it out loud, I'm hurt he's my son. It's not their place to throw him a party.

OP posts:
Brideandprejudice · 31/01/2022 20:57

I'd be very upset

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2022 20:59

I’d be gutted. That’s so assuming of them. Why would anyone do that? I mean it’s a nice gesture, but to steal it from his family is just…. Words fail me.

Comedycook · 31/01/2022 20:59

I'd also be upset

changeling86 · 31/01/2022 20:59

That's very weird.

At 16 are you sure the kids didn't just arrange it themselves? Could their son have asked if he could have friends over and the parents said that's fine?

Or was this all planned by the parents?

Mouldyfeet · 31/01/2022 21:00

I’d go absolutely batshit at that

Liz1tummypain · 31/01/2022 21:00

Could they have somehow just rustled it up on the night? Just suddenly got his friends round and brought some drinks in? You can't really blame them if that's how it happened. I'd do some gentle digging if I were you. But the past is the past now. Sorry it's making you feel upset. You can't blame your son and you don't know enough about it to blame them from what I can see.

Botherfreedays · 31/01/2022 21:02

How did the party come about? Would you have allowed it? Did he ask to have one at yours? Did he ask then? Did they offer? We need more info to comment.

Ohyesiam · 31/01/2022 21:05

Was it planned or spontaneous?
Very odd if planned. I’d be upset too.

Original poster
Partyatnumberten · 31/01/2022 21:06

They are nice people I don't think they did anything deliberately. Their house is much bigger than mine. So from what I can gather (if you've tried to get info out of a teen you'll know!). They offered up their place because it's big enough for all the boys to stay over & provided food, cake and a few thoughtful gifts. I just would have appreciated a phone call to say is this OK with you. I'm ashamed to admit I'm a bit jealous, everything is always bigger & better at their place. I can't compete and I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
SmellyWellyWoo · 31/01/2022 21:06

Did you ask him what he wanted to do for his birthday or just assume? 16 is a pretty special age, seems a shame not to have a fuss made of him.

Original poster
Partyatnumberten · 31/01/2022 21:08

He didn't ask to have it at mine. He said he assumed it would be a no go because of size. If he'd have asked I would have made it happen. I don't think it's them I'm even mad at. It's just made me feel really inadequate

OP posts:
Original poster
Partyatnumberten · 31/01/2022 21:14

I did ask him what he wanted to do. The plan was to go for breakfast, we would go shopping together & then out for dinner with my younger kids. He's also doing an activity with his friends next week. Last minute he wanted to hang out with his mates instead which turned into staying over. Plans change He's a teen I get it. He didn't know about the party until he got there. On the surface I'm saying oh that's so nice of them, on the inside I'm gutted like I said I just wanted to vent really because I can't say it in real life

OP posts:
Wondergirl100 · 31/01/2022 21:30

Op I think this might be a case of friends just making plans together surely rather than the parents being involved? I think at 16 it's very sweet if a group of mates look out for each other - it's a brutal reality but if your place is too small to have a get together maybeone of his mates just said hey let's get everyone round here.

I can imagine it might hurt but would it be easier to think of it as a really nice thing that he has a group of friends like this?

Also - remember at 16 kids might not want to be under mums watchful eye etc - I think at that age I probably would hve been delighted to have a sleepover somewhere other than my own home.

Original poster
Partyatnumberten · 31/01/2022 21:35

Yep, you're right. He has a great group of friends & that's as it should be, it a good thing. I think it's reallly the first time it's hit me he's not my little boy anymore and oh my God it hurts. I can't blame his friends parents for wanting him around. He's awesome

OP posts:
Suzi9989 · 31/01/2022 21:37

Your son is very lucky, he is loved by many. Shows he is a nice kid. Glad he has a nice birthday and you got to see him too

tunainatin · 31/01/2022 21:44

I totally get why you would feel upset, but you seem fairly certain that nothing was done with any bad intention or in an underhand way, and so probably best to nurse your wounds and look for the positives Flowers

Aphrodite31 · 31/01/2022 21:44

Omg. No I'm sorry but there are boundaries here, or should be - a code of respect between parents. He didn't know about the party but the parents did. They absolutely should have talked to you. They basically organised and hosted his party and friends.

Of course say nothing to him, as you are doing. But I would be super careful of the mother in the future. You've been taken aback by this but don't let it happen again. Home is Home. Next time pre-empt it by asking if he'd like friends over. Maybe make sure he feels friends can come to your house. It's nice for him to go to other houses, but I'd try to make your place a welcome option too. That probably would be his preference. These are his needs now. Nobody else should be taking over,

Some parents are like that, especially if your kid is awesome. They half adopt them. Make sure you're ok with it. Think these parents over stepped. Well, they should at least have told you and or invited you. I'm sorry. Xxx

Mo1911 · 31/01/2022 21:48

He'll always be your little boy and he'll love you above anything. It wasn't great what happened, I'd feel exactly the same way as you. Ask him to talk to you in future and you'll do your very best by him.

Original poster
Partyatnumberten · 31/01/2022 22:03

Thanks everyone for your kinds words. I had a good cry in the shower. Life moves on & I'm thankful that my son has good, kind people around him. Apparently I still make the best cup of tea so I'll take that as a winBrew

OP posts:
Notonetojudge · 31/01/2022 22:53

My daughter will be 16 next month and has said that a friends mum has offered her place for a party. Their house is smaller than ours Hmm but she’s happy to spend the evening in her bedroom so the kids can have the main room.

Dd hasn’t asked to have one at home, She has sleepovers for 6 most weekends but a ‘party’ is a step forward for her… she doesn’t want the responsibility of having it at ours, and also will enjoy it more as they’ll be less pressure somehow.
I did feel slightly indignant but then thought ‘you crack on love’ she can have her house trashed instead of mine. Grin

Animallover2325 · 31/01/2022 23:18

No way in a million years would I do that. I’d be thinking the parents themselves might be having a celebration with them x

trunktoes · 01/02/2022 07:35

He is 16 at that age I don't think the parents need to ring you to check. He decided he wanted to do a party there and the parents were nice enough to facilitate it. Perhaps explain to your son how that made you feel as I am sure he didn't think you would be bothered - kids are like that

ilovebagpuss · 01/02/2022 14:54

I think it’s a bit weird they didn’t message you. It’s not really a spur of the moment if others are invited and there is cake. Fair enough if he was staying with the mate and his mum produced some grub and got a little cake as well but a full on party is a party.
When I was 16 we had a big garden and did a joint garden party with a few mates but their mums were told and it wasn’t on the actual day.
Still he’s had a nice time and apart from hurt feelings it’s as well to let it go. But you are not odd to find it hurtful.

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