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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

When should one stop worrying?

13 replies

lily2309 · 29/12/2007 09:01

Am permanently worried about DS (18)and feel it is about time I stopped. He has been a difficult child since about 15, moody, aggressive and found it hard making friends. He rarely went out so kids stopped asking after awhile. The few friends he had he has pushed away and doesnt seem to understand that to have good friends you have to be one.
however he is now at Uni and seems to be getting on OK. He is home now for Xmas and again in his room 90% of the time.Barely speaks to us but at least isnt rude anymore.
I know it is hard to come back home after living away but I just feel that he is not part of the family anymore. Before Christmas he was moaning all the time about people coming over and how he wasnt going to leave his room but on the day he graced us with his presence and ended up having a great time!! I'm sure that I overreact but cant seem to snap out of this worrying mode !!What should I do ?

OP posts:

Freckle · 29/12/2007 09:04

Just give him space. He knows he has a good family and will hopefully come to appreciate it in time. I think 18 is a difficult age anyway and compound that with coping at uni, it's not entirely surprising he's shutting himself away.

I would just keep the lines of communication open and hope that he will start participating in family life eventually.

Presumably you are not worried about drugs or anything like that?

tribpot · 29/12/2007 09:06

Well my ds is 2 so I can't speak from experience as a mum, but as a sibling and an aunt, it all sounds pretty normal to me! I think it's all part of the process of him establishing an identity as an adult, and he may never feel part of the family in the same way again, because he will leave home - at least probably, he could be like some of my friends who went back after we finished uni and didn't move out for years! My mum 'threw' me out (let's say 'strongly encouraged me to gain independence') as soon as uni was done.

I know I'd be exactly the same in your shoes. Now I think "what bliss, to have a child who doesn't need to be constantly entertained/fed/nappy changed/watched over every moment of the day" Just goes to show we always have something to be worrying about with our kids!

Tortington · 29/12/2007 09:16

he is your child - you will worry til you die!

you cant stop worrying just becuase he had reached some govt egal age of adulthood. i too have a son who is 18 and huge cockhead of late, i know that when my children ae thirty five and they have chilren of their own - i will worry for them.

so the answer is that you are being the fab mum you are becuase you wory - we just cant help it!

auntymandy · 29/12/2007 09:18

he is behaving quite normally so you need not worry on that score but worry in general.... you're a mum...its your job!!!

Original poster

lily2309 · 29/12/2007 13:52

Thanks all for your words of wisdom !Iknow that he is probably doing what most teenage lads do but sometimes there is such an atmosphere at home that you can cut it with a knife. I think it is mainly DH who is very inflexible and rather old fashioned in his ways, he has never done much with DS and he is paying for it now when it is too late to change. I know that our kids are not ours forever but I would like to feel that I had a bit more contact with my son.
He was fine when he came back 2 weeks ago but now he has gone back into his shell - sleeps till 1pm and is up all night in front of one screen or another !!

OP posts:

mumeeee · 29/12/2007 14:39

My DD's are 20,18 and 15 and I worry about all of them from time to time, I think all Mothers do. But I know I should not worry and I now try to give them space, Your DS is acting like a normal tenager so just give him space and enjoy having him home,

arionater · 29/12/2007 14:55

Was this his first term at university? I think it's particularly normal to feel strange and alienated from your family after your first term away. Remember how boring being back at home feels after the manic activity/socialising! If he's being sullen and impossible in that typical late adolescent way it may be partly because he enjoyed the term and can't wait to get back and be his own person again. I found the strange back-and-forth experience of not living 'properly' in either place really unsettling and felt much better later in my undergraduate career and as a graduate student when I 'lived' at university and only went back to my parents in a more adult fashion, as if I had a job. Of course lots of people really enjoy the student pattern as a gentle transition into adult life but not everyone founds that stage easy, even if they're enjoying university itself. Medically speaking 'late adolescence' continues into the twenties so I'd try not to worry about his behaviour too much.

evenhope · 29/12/2007 14:59

I found with DD1 and DS1 that once they had gone, and we'd got used to the gaping hole they left, when they came back we didn't take up where we left off. They both switch into "home" mode- sleep late, stay in their rooms- all the stuff you describe, and it's like having bad-tempered lodgers . We are always very pleased when they leave again

Original poster

lily2309 · 30/12/2007 22:15

Its his second year at uni so he has settled in OK. I just worry that he isnt particularly sociable and certainly is not one of a herd however I suppose if he was unhappy away we would have known about it by now.
I am sure he us very different at uni,they always seem to regress at home,probably because thats the only place to do it!

I think it is probably my problem really, have a daughter of 20 and I complain she is always out and then I complain that DS never goes out !!!! Think it is about time I change my attitude and let them be.

OP posts:

Christie · 02/01/2008 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 02/01/2008 18:43

Hi Christie. DD2 is eexactly the same as your DS. She doesn't like talking to us about her UCAS application form although I do know she has filled in the form and submitted it to her college to look over. She told us she had an e,mail from her tutor to say that the colege could not send it to UCAS as she hasn't put her BTEC number in. Her tutor said if she didn't know the number she could do it in the first week back. I know this is cutting it fine and I have to just trust her to do it but if she had told us before we could have got her to sort it out. OH well I suppose it's her life and if she misses the deadline then she'll just have to get a job. I thought the dead line was the end of January. Is your ds's school or colege helping him?
DD1 always told us everything and she aplied early as she wanted to do a Vet course.

Christie · 03/01/2008 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lily2309 · 03/01/2008 20:50

I got panicky a couple of years ago when DS hadnt sent his personal statement off etc or rather the college left it late but it doesnt mean they loose out as long as it gets there before the due date they will get offers and then I think they have to pick 2 but that is later in spring.
A friend's child missed the deadline so decided to take a gap year but just applied directly to the uni when he got his results and got straight in for the following Sept.

so dont wory Mumeeee things always sem to work out in the and

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