16 y DD looks a lot younger - this bothers her a lot. How to support?

[cingolimama]

Oh wise MNers, please advise.

DD is smart and kind and beautiful and funny, and (mostly) good company. She's sixteen years old, in sixth form, but looks about thirteen and she's frequently upset about this. She's short, with a small frame. She wears no makeup and likes to dress in comfortable baggy clothes (dungarees, sweatshirts etc) or pretty dresses/skirts in the summer. She has breasts and hips and a waist and could not, objectively, be mistaken for a child or a boy. She's just very petite and looks young for her age. Teachers who don't know her, for instance, will direct her away from the sixth form building, and she'll have to tell them, no actually, I belong here.

DD has been taunted and teased (not in a friendly way) about her body. One boy said she had an "eight year old's body" (excuse me, but who the fuck are YOU to comment on her body?). Another girl said she'd only attract a peodophile (WTF?). It's really getting her down. She had an eating disorder in the past, and while it's under control, this kind of relentless focus on her body and its "deficiencies" is unhelpful and triggering.

I've had chats with her about boundaries and assertiveness with her friends (this is hard and I know takes years). I know it will all be alright in a few years time, but in the meantime, how to support? Are there any simple things she might do to look a bit older (one friend suggested getting her eyebrows shaped - apparently a game changer)? On the one hand, I hate the idea of suggesting she change, but on the other hand, if there are practical things she can do to make herself look her actual age, then why not?

Any thoughts gratefully received.

I was the same , could never get served or in clubs . I'm 48 now and everyone thinks I'm late 20's so she will be grateful one day 😊

I also had the same problem, it gets easier as you get older but you need to be 30+ to even begin to be taken seriously. Its not fun in the slightest.

All you can do is support her. Discuss the issues with her (my parents didnt) ask if she wants advice on looking older, like the eyebrows, but otherwise boost her confidence as much as possible, because its not just how she looks, its the lack of confidence that goes with it.

You could almost be describing DD2 - she's 16, very petite and just about reaches 5 foot, mind you some of her friends aren't much taller.

I don't really have any answers, DD does wear makeup & shapes eyebrows but this was her decision & nothing we've suggested to her. She's also started buying boots & shoes with platforms and heels which add an extra couple of inches to her height. She definitely has her own style of dressing.

Otherwise, she's quite comfortable with her size and figure (which is gorgeous!)

It may help that I'm only 5'4" and DP isn't known for his height either also, her best friend's mum is built like DD.

Just keep supporting her.

If this really bothers her then there are several things she could do, including wearing make-up, changing hairstyle, changing the way she dresses, and maybe working on her confidence so she presents a more confident and 'grown-up' exterior to the world.

I just googled 'make up tricks to make you look older' and there are YouTube videos to show you how to achieve this. She might want to take a look?

Hi op. It's so tough being a teen. One thing I think she needs to really be told as often as possible is that every single girl in the world gets crap and unnecessary comments about their looks and body. Tall girls...girls with unusually early developing bodies who look older than they are...girls who are not conventionally pretty. They all feel judged and watched and not quite right.

I remember overhearing male colleagues comment on a very attractive young woman in our department. It was grotesque (this was about 20 years ago I hope it wouldn't happen now ) they were disgusting in their comments

And of course boys are also riddled with insecurities.

I feel for her but I wonder if she is losing sight of the truth .. thst there are sadly no or very very few teens who feel confident in their bodies and looks .

The paedophile comment is vile but I bet any teen you can think of has had hurtful comments that go round their minds. She is unique in her own way as everyone else is and they are all as self conscious as each other

Mine are the same; just turned 20 but look about 12 (and have reached their adult height of less than 5'). Both just started working in shops and even the customers make comments about how very young they look. Wearing make-up and heels helps.

We do also have a 'young' gene in the family so some of us look very young for our age - and they've inherited this along with being petite, premature and extra small at birth due to being twins...

This was me. I was mistaken for an unaccompanied minor at an airport and the air crew tried to take me to the children's area - when I was 24. I had breasts and hips, so I didn’t look like a boy. I carried ID for years for pubs. I am 5ft small, was very slim as a teen and had very pale, soft skin which I think was a big factor in being taken for younger than I was. All things I like about myself now I’m in my 40’s!

Your DD will just have to roll with it and be proud of who she is. We are all individuals of all shapes and sizes. It’s not so bad being petite. You are giving her all the right advice about how to be confident and assert herself and to be herself.

Waterrat, your post particularly rang true for me. Yes, girls just get crap comments no matter how they look - they are all judged in ways boys aren't. When I was a teenager, I looked 17 when I was 12, which opened up a whole different set of problems.

It's such a difficult time, always was, but it seems even more loaded now.

Thank you everyone for your sympathetic and helpful responses. Hugely appreciated!