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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I talk to DS about LGBT club attendance?

17 replies

OuiOuiMonAmi · 20/01/2022 17:30

DS14 went to this school; club a little while ago. No idea whether for himself or to support a friend. I really want to talk to him about it and check that he is ok and happy - but I can't, can I? If he wanted me to know, he would have told me. Plus he'd be mortified.

I just want to check that he's not struggling with his identity and to make sure he knows that we don't care who he loves... DH says we've said this enough times in the past that he'd know anyway.

Of course he needs his privacy and he'll talk to me if and when he wants to - but he does bottle things up and not talk to us about problems which is worrying me, so I just want to know that he's ok!

OP posts:
CamomileTeabag · 20/01/2022 17:35

How do you know he went?

BackAwayFatty · 20/01/2022 17:36

What about talking about the LGBT group & suggesting he joins. Some people join as supporters as well as based on their sexuality. He may then choose to divulge he is already attending it at least know you are supportive?

I suggested my daughter join & she said she'd think about it. About two weeks later she joined & has been openly talking about different sexualities & what she relates too. She's got lots of questions that she can ask at the group & now at home. Good luck

Original poster
OuiOuiMonAmi · 20/01/2022 17:42

@CamomileTeabag

How do you know he went?
The school uses a website whichi shows their stats/reports/clubs attended etc.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 17:44

I think you should give your son some space. He's entitled to his privacy. Just let him know you're always available should he need support with anything.

Hayisforhorse · 20/01/2022 17:49

I can see your dilemma - it's definitely advised that you let someone come out to you rather than forcing the conversation, even if you'd be extremely supportive.

I would suggest that for next family film night (or just be watching already when your DC comes in), you pick something with positive LGBT themes.

There's Love, Simon, which is a teen one, there are some Christmas hallmark type ones with LGBT couples now, like Happiest Season, or there are some truly excellent films like Pride. Lilting is excellent but so so sad. God's Own Country is excellent, but has some fairly explicit sex scenes. Handsome Devil is great, Dating Amber also good. These are all decent to superb films which have a core LGBT story.

You don't have to say anything, just the act of you choosing an LGBT film for viewing gives a signal. Then of course casual conversation may unfold from it.

Hayisforhorse · 20/01/2022 17:53

The school uses a website whichi shows their stats/reports/clubs attended etc.

That is REALLY bad. They could put a child at serious risk by doing that. Please please talk to the school about it. Even though LGBTQ+ alliance clubs have the allies bit which can also provide useful cover for someone who isn't out yet, or needs to be careful, the act of attending even as an ally could cause problems in some households.

Please, put your own DC to the side for a moment and get in touch with the school and highlight this risk. I cannot believe they are doing that.

Dear God. I work in a large organisation (so all adults) and we've had to set up a special email server and special ways of running the LGBTQ+ and allies staff group so that people can remain entirely anonymous if necessary, and this is adults! If a child from an unsupportive family is outed by the school they could be in physical danger or disowned.

llanfair11 · 20/01/2022 19:36

@Hayisforhorse agree 100% with you.

CovidCorvid · 20/01/2022 19:40

Agree you should raise this with the school, not fair on the kids and could put some at risk. Don’t tell your son you know he went. But every now and then when appropriate talk about how being gay isn’t an issue.

Tellthemagain · 20/01/2022 19:43

don't raise it with him. I was outed by my parents , even though they meant well and I've never recovered from it. it's something he needs to do in his own time.

Polomint8 · 20/01/2022 22:16

I’m very surprised the school did that. They need to change their admin so not all clubs are treated the same. There does seem to be a sea change In attitude across the young now thankfully. I accidentally recently discovered my DD is gay. She didn’t tell me and said she wasn’t going to as it was no big deal and she wouldn’t announce being straight. I asked if she wanted to join a club for support but she seemed bemused by the idea. From what she’s said, half her friends are bisexual so I think she feels supported within her group. I don’t know if she’s naive but she feels under no threat of bullying at school and I know that a lot of drama series for her age group have lesbians and bisexuals characters which I think has helped her understand how she feels.

Polomint8 · 20/01/2022 22:19

There is way too much use of the word “gay” as an insult in the playground but my teenage DD’s generation (girls at least) seem to have a very relaxed attitude towards sexuality

AlDanvers · 20/01/2022 22:21

Pretty horrified the school have let you know this. What are they thinking? That's awful.

Don't start the conversation. You can show him that he is loved and accepted without doing so. Let him tell you, if there's anything to tell in his own time.

Dd is 18 and now 'out'. I had a good idea, but just made sure I created an environment that she felt secure in.

Cloudsarebright · 20/01/2022 22:28

Just make comments reacting to everyday lgbt issues that are supportive. Like when watching the news etc.

Please don’t bring it up with him. As a lesbian I would’ve felt outed in this situation and sounds very hard to deal with when he may not even know how he identifies yet.

LickYouLikeACrispPacket · 20/01/2022 22:38

When I speak to my kids about potential boyfriends/girlfriends I always use both as an option for both my son and my daughter so they know we are fully supportive of whoever they like or bring home.

Original poster
OuiOuiMonAmi · 21/01/2022 08:08

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I agree that it's wrong for the school to show their attendance (I note they have just today changed the name to Friends Club!)

We always talk positively at home eg. he's shown no interest in having a boy/girlfriend yet but we say things like "when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend..." etc. so he knows we're fine with that. In fact, just last night the whole family were watching something where a gay adult was telling someone that his parents weren't supportive of him when he first came out. I said to the DC "You both know that...." and DD interrupted "Yes, we know that you're fine with us being gay if we decide we are - you've given us that speech so many times!" Grin

So I do trust that he knows we won't be upset. I think I'm just worried that you hear so many people finding it a struggle to come out, or a worry etc. and I guess I'm being over-protective and wanting to save him from the possibility of that.

But you are all right that it's his story to tell, not my job to save him from telling it. Thank you, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Snowiscold · 21/01/2022 08:22

Agree with the others - don’t mention it. And agree that the school should not be reporting to you which clubs pupils attend. It’s an invasion of privacy.

ENoeuf · 21/01/2022 08:28

Yeah don’t mention it, my son took a couple of attempts to tell me and it was a bit of a non event in the end.

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