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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Hyper sexuality DD 13

21 replies

Littlek0406 · 17/01/2022 23:42

Please help me!
My DD 12 got groomed, vile stuff the police were involved, safeguarding, SEN & camhs.

Now at 13 she intentionally set up an instagram account doing vile stuff again to herself inviting old men to look at her.
I makes sick to my stomach, my baby girl doing this to herself!
Again the police, safeguarding, SEN & Camhs are involved.
She saying is has hyper sexuality disorder, we’re the hell did she get this from.
She said that she’s gets urge’s & she’s can’t help.
I’ve removed her phone, laptop, iPad & grounded her.

What more can I do x

OP posts:
DevonorLondon · 18/01/2022 22:33

Sending hugs to you, Littlek0406.

The only thing I can add is the suggestion that when you return those devices, she’s not allowed to take them to her room.

Can you up the parental controls on her devices? Apple’s is pretty awkward to use, but you can lock it down quite hard: only permitted apps, short time allowances, keep learning more about what works and what doesn’t.

SorryPardonWhat · 18/01/2022 22:43

Turn off the WiFi.

waterrat · 19/01/2022 20:45

She may have been groomed to believe she wants to do this stuff herself.

Have the police properly investigated who she has been in contact with ? I would be very concerned that abusers are in contact with her. They may have taught her the phrases she is using.
Look up the reward foundation they are specialists in porn addiction and they treat teenagers and give family support.

Remember she is a child and needs to be protected and supported. Don't see it as punishment. You really need expert help here in particular the police. Anyone watching or interacting with her is committing a crime.

Have you spoken to children's society or nspcc

Littlek0406 · 23/01/2022 23:28

@DevonorLondon @waterrat
The dirty vile man was in India, so nothing could be done Angry

She’s definitely heard it from someone.

We’ve managed to get an appointment with CAMHS, the police are involved & a family support worker.

Every time I think of it my heart breaks for her.

@SorryPardonWhat it not as easy (just off the WI-FI) All her homework online & my business is based online. If you haven’t got anything constructive to say - just jog on

OP posts:
aLittleL1fe · 24/01/2022 10:08

Autistic & ADHD teens are at higher risk of abuse and can display hypersexual behaviours - I would explore this possibility with CAMHS.

On a practical level I'd buy a new phone / new number, and install parental controls (Google Family Link for Android for example) so that all new apps will need to be approved by you before installation plus Google Maps tracking so that you know where she is. No social media until further notice. Counselling (which you're already doing). It takes time to heal but with appropriate support teens can bounce back from very dark times so have faith in a positive outcome no matter how worried you are!

fucketyfuckwit · 24/01/2022 10:26

Can you love bomb her? is she just after some attention/love?

As well as seeking professional help.

deerison · 24/01/2022 10:26

I would be tempted to think that it is not hyper sexuality but just puberty driving her interest in sex and that the internet has given her a dangerous avenue to express and explore that. In which she gets the likes and attention that make it rewarding and addictive.

I would say that she needs access to the internet strictly monitored as much as possible eg. No tablets, only a pc in a communal room. She needs to be educated more - it is normal to have sexual feeling and urges, but it is dangerous to express them online. The content can be accessed by anyone and stay there forever. She needs to be more taught to be concerned about privacy etc. Maybe explain why a lot of people choose to wait for relationships until they are older etc etc. You've probably already done a lot of this.

Can you get her in a hobby or sport that channels her energy more productively and gives her positive peers and older role model?

ElectraBlue · 24/01/2022 10:35

Your daughter needs to be under the urgent care of a mental health team by now.

Also she is the victim in this, a child and needs to be protected. I am not sure using things like 'grounding' are helpful. She is not supposed to be punished for being groomed by an abuser...

'She intentionally set up' except she didn't. Again she has been groomed by old men to think that she should do this and expose herself. Place the blame where it belongs.

You have a confused, traumatised kid on your hands who might have existing behavioural and mental issues that made her more vulnerable to this abuse.

It is really hard for your family but remember that she needs support, not blame or punishment.

NewtoHolland · 24/01/2022 10:39

Do you have Barnados in your area? They do some amazing work with teenage victims of sexual abuse in ours looking at building self esteem.

If she's showing this vulnerability I would implement No phone or unsupervised access to internet.

If you have money I would be trying to access any additional therapy I could also to support her and help her keep safe .

PinkyU · 24/01/2022 10:57

When a child is abused their own sense of value and worth is placed on how well they please their abusers, it becomes impossible for them to intrinsically generate a sense of worth and so even when they don’t have contact with the primary abuser they will often seek out risky environments and display risky behaviours because it’s the only way they can feel valuable and valued.

If your dd also has SEN there may also be an element of intense preoccupation with the “thing” that is predictable and makes them feel self worth.

Changing these thought processes is difficult but very possible and does need expert input. In the short term does she have a special interest? Animals, children, fashion etc that she can envelop herself in?

I would second getting in touch with barnardos they have excellent programmes for children who have experienced abuse.

Littlek0406 · 24/01/2022 14:18

@fucketyfuckwit @NewtoHolland @aLittleL1fe @deerison @waterrat @DevonorLondon Thank you for support Flowers
She’s in a netball club & does boxing.
We’ve sourced a Dr who used work in CAMHS for 15 yrs but we’ve got to wait for the initial assessment with CAMHS which is next week.
She’s not grounded anymore, that was just my gut reaction.
She’s got a crap phone that you can only play snake on & I’ve got a secret tracker that’s hidden in school bag.
She’s only allowed on the internet to do homework & always someone there.
She get loads of attention from me & my family but not so much from her dad & his family. (He an affair when was 18 months & I was sick with cancer)
We’ve suspected that she might be on the spectrum, she shows no remorse or empathy & she is really good lairSad

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 19/03/2022 16:30

Hypersexuality is a trauma response and quite often seen particularly after sexual abuse.
Your daughter needs support and boundaries and if she is not already in counselling you need to put her in it asap. She is a traumatised child acting out for help and if you don't treat this now it could potentially get a lot worse.

alex349 · 23/03/2022 23:28

@Littlek0406 I've just been through something very similar with my niece (G) who lives with me. A year ago we were notified by social services that explicit photos and videos of her had been found on the internet. G would have been 12 when they were found, and was probably 10/11 when she took them - utterly horrifying. She fed us a story about being coerced and threatened which didn't make a lot of sense (the facts kept changing and when we asked to see these threatening emails and facebook messages she claimed that they'd somehow disappeared as soon as they were read) but we didn't question it since we figured she was probably just too embarrassed to admit that she'd been manipulated into 'wanting' to take the photos. We took her phone, strictly controlled her internet access, bought special internet filtering software for teenagers (the one we use is called Circle if you're interested - there's a physical component you attach to your wifi router and control from an app on your phone). We assured G that she wasn't in trouble and that she had nothing to be ashamed of but that unfortunately we would all need to make more of an effort to keep her safe on the internet.

A few months after this, her school began in-person teaching again and she spent much less time on her computer. Her behaviour improved to the point that we felt comfortable buying her a very basic phone (no camera or internet, only calls and texts) for her last birthday. Then, right before Christmas, the police came to our house explaining that they'd had a call from a man several hundred miles away who hadn't been able to get hold of G for 2 days and was worried that something had happened to her. We confirmed that she was fine and that there was nobody from that city who had any business inquiring after G. We went through her phone and found some extremely graphic texts, which the police confirmed had been sent by the same number that had called up asking them to check on G. Later that day, I received a message on social media from an account with the same name that the police had given. He was in his 20s and had been talking to G for a year and a half. He introduced himself as her boyfriend. He claimed to believe that she was 20 and seemed genuinely disgusted when I told him that she would only have been 13 when they first made contact. The social worker set up a video call in which G claimed to have no knowledge of any of this, and concluded that someone must have been impersonating her online. After many tears and tantrums I managed to get G to admit that she'd been the one sending the messages, but she maintained that she'd been coerced somehow. Eventually she conceded that she hadn't been forced to talk to this man, and that she'd just made up the outlandish stories he'd heard about her for a laugh (this man thought she had a younger sister who'd killed herself, an abusive ex-boyfriend, dead family members, cancer, you name it - she was like a one-woman soap opera). Her laptop and phone are still in police custody. The school have loaned her a replacement laptop which she is not allowed to use at home unless I am sitting next to her to supervise every single click. If I look away from the screen, she has to close the laptop. If I'm not in the room, the laptop goes with me. It's exhausting but it keeps her out of trouble.

The other condition for her laptop use is that I have to know the password. This has allowed me to go into her browser and access the list of saved internet usernames and passwords. If you're able to do this on the devices you confiscated from your daughter I would highly recommend it. I was able to access all G's messages with the man who'd called the police, in which he repeatedly acknowledged that she was only 13, so his whole shocked catfishing victim routine was all a lie now that we’ve got proof we’re able to press charges against him. I also discovered that G has a secret instagram account, 8 different email addresses, accounts on a bunch of chatrooms I've never even heard of, discord accounts, quora...I'm barely halfway through and cannot believe the volume of filth I've found. G was exchanging photos with about 30 different men, all aged at least 25. I know it's horrible to imagine, but it's highly likely that what you know about is only the tip of the iceberg.

As for where all this comes from, I think it's a mix of loneliness and possible sexual trauma. I noticed that G's messages often mentioned being lonely and depressed, and wanting someone to be her friend. You mention that your daughter seems autistic so she possibly also struggles to fit in socially. At the time when these messages were sent, G was doing all her lessons from home in lockdown and was feeling very isolated from her peers. I got the impression that she just wanted companionship and validation but that the only way she could get it from strangers on the internet was by simulating sex acts with them. The sex talk was always led by them and I could see her picking up all the phrases and gross fetish talk from them as these relationships progressed. It’s been suggested to me that G may suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so maybe that’s worth looking into for your daughter too. It isn’t usually diagnosed in children under 18 but if CAMHS think she’s exhibiting BPD behaviour it may help inform their treatment of her.

I also suspect that G is acting out sexual trauma of some sort. I don't think I'll ever know exactly what because she is such a chronic bullshitter, but there's usually a grain of truth in whatever stories she tells me. I now keep an eye out for any clues of this nature in anything she tells me, and I think it’s worth thinking in a very dispassionate way about any and all adults (of either sex) who could have abused your daughter.

Sorry for rambling, it's the first time I've been able to talk about this with someone who's been through the same thing and I got a bit carried away. If you'd like to send me a message please do.

mumofblu · 24/03/2022 06:02

@Littlek0406 @alex349

I'm so sorry for your girls and what you are seeing and experiencing .

My dd was assaulted aged 8 by an older boy . Fast forward to a combination of teen years , puberty , lockdown isolation
She is exhibiting extreme risk behaviour and hyper sexual behaviour .

She knows her behaviour is unusual , it alienates her from girls and some boys but it also attracts boys and gives her the validation , attention , control she craves .

It also brings her pain when she realises she's "got it wrong again " she is receiving trauma based counselling and is responding well but I know it's a long road ahead .

My DD is now in a relationship with a boy and I see them working out the relationship. It recently became sexual ( she's 14 and a half and yes I wish she'd waited especially while in counselling ) but he is the same age . Has disapproved of her sexualised behaviour to his mates / other boys . And I think her having a peers opinion / disapproval has really helped .

I hope your girls get the help to recover t from this

ittakes2 · 24/03/2022 06:31

Does she have ADHD? Children with ADHD have impulse control issues and they also chase a dopamine rush. She is getting a dopamine rush from it. The objet thing I can think of is find her a different way to have a dopamine rush. What are her interests?

mumofblu · 24/03/2022 07:20

My Dd is being looked at for ADHD and Bi-polar . Both conditions are identified with poor risk control , adrenaline seeking activities. It's difficult because when sexual trauma is also identified the cause is difficult to diagnose.

Ohyesiam · 24/03/2022 07:24

I’m going to pm you x

mumofblu · 24/03/2022 07:34

@Ohyesiam
Who are you sending pm to ?

SheWoreYellow · 24/03/2022 07:37

[quote mumofblu]@Ohyesiam
Who are you sending pm to ? [/quote]
The OP, I presume.

JovialNickname · 24/03/2022 07:49

She believes she wants to. It's a coping mechanism and quite an obvious one. It's easier to pretend it's what you wanted in the first place, and that you are in control of your desires, than to admit to yourself you were forced into something that goes against everything you wanted for yourself and believed about yourself.

mumofblu · 24/03/2022 07:51

@SheWoreYellow

I presume as well but it's not made clear x

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