Is this depression or normal teen stuff?

[Hamnet]

DD is 15, year 11.

On the one hand she seems fine. She gets up every day without complaining, she always goes to school and never tries to say she’s ill, she does OK at school, she has friends who she comes home full of stories about and who she sees a bit out of school, she does school work diligently, she hangs out with the family on the evening and weekends rather than staying in her room, she rough houses her siblings while laughing, she goes for a run a few times a week, she exhibits excitement over things like playing with the dog or having a favourite meal, she jokes about, she takes care of her appearance but not in an over the top way, she hugs us and is affectionate.

So on a day to day basis she seems happy, often animated, engaged with friends family and school. Sometimes quiet but not startlingly so.

On the other hand if you actually ask her how she feels then it’s a totally different picture so much darker than what she presents through her behaviour. She says she never feels happy, she says she never looks forward to anything, she says she sees no point in school as she is going to fail her GCSEs (she is not going to fail, she’s predicted all 6s and 7s, but her school is a hot house where most people get 9s), she says she can’t even enjoy hanging out with her friends as nothing is fun, she says she panics a lot, that she is ugly, that she is good at nothing. she claims to hate sunny days as they clash with what the world is really like.

It’s been like this for a year. She has counselling and I try to make life as nice as possible but it never changes, she continues to say the most awful stuff about life while simultaneously carrying on with everyday life in a normal and seemingly happy way.

Is this depression? Or are teens often very melodramatic when they talk about their feelings? Is behaviour more of an indicator of mental health than self reflection is?

I vacillate between extreme worry and then thinking she is fine. I just wonder whether others have every experienced similar. And if so how you tried to make things better.

I think she is ready for the change to college.
All of my kids got ready for the change in year 6 and 11.
Does she have a little job ?
She’s ready for new friends and challenges, ready for taking control as an adult.

Thanks. Did your kids seem unhappy as they prepared for change?

She does have a job looking after our neighbours’ kids one day a week after school. Hard to get anything more formal at her age round here. She did want to volunteer at the local old peoples’ home but Covid makes that impossible. She also is in the netball team so she has a bit of other stuff going on but not a lot.

Yes, they got irritated with friends so needed a change. They also seemed to outgrow the teachers, it was like they needed harder work to engage their brains.
She sounds delightful, and does far more than mine ever did. I never get a hug off mine, and they don’t call me mum. They don’t call me anything when I think about it.
What are her plans for college/Uni ?

This is very familiar! My teens will occasionally say how utterly miserable they are, I spend nights awake worrying, then realise they are having loads of fun with their friends, hobbies, interests. I think they offload on me and then feel better. Meanwhile I take all that angst onto my shoulders.

Sorry to say I have no idea what the answer is and if they are ok or not, but you are not alone OP.

Could bring in a hothouse environment be causing some stress?

Being

My son says similar, he has no enjoyment in life and nothing interests him. I also worry about this!

Why is she having counselling?

This was like me. My parents brushed it off as hormones but I really needed help.

Thanks all. It’s comforting to hear other teens say similar while seeming ok. Sometimes I think they only talk about their feelings when feeling bad and in that moment it feels so real and permanent that they can’t remember that they seemed happy the day before.

She is having counselling because of what she says about never feeling happy and feeling she is bad at everything. She did once try self harm, very shallow cuts to her thigh but still they were cuts, she told me about it immediately and was distraught so I got her counselling. That was last January. She seems to like the counsellor and says she is good but never moves on to say she feels happier.

The hot house environment is definitely part of the problem and I hope she will agree to move schools for sixth form. She really needs to. But she is scared to leave her friends.

@Sparklykins what would have helped you? Other than counselling what did you need your parents to do?

Is she on the pill? I was prescribed microgynon as a teenager and within weeks became very very depressed and was just fobbed off with "oh, hormones". I thought I would feel like that for the rest of my life and the prospect of that was so awful that I could see no point in living.
Came off the pill when I was at uni and was a different person.
It wasn't until I was much older that I made the connection. I find it so sad that I spent those years wishing I was dead because of a stupid tiny pill and no one thought to mention that it might be that

No she is not on the pill. I had a similar reaction the the pill as you @User478 and I also was not warned that could happen. I have been been v clear with my girls that they should try and avoid the pill if at all possible!

I sympathise op. (Mother of one teen girl and temporary guardian to another.)

It's really difficult to know when to worry or not.

I have found the book, Untangled, by Lisa Damour (recommended on another 'teenage' thread) very helpful.

Basically with low mood and anxiety etc, she says the rough rule is that if it affects the teen making progress in their daily life then they need professional help. So if the anxiety or depression is stopping them going to school, or stopping them developing independence in any other way then they need outside support. For example, a teen with low mood who doesn't wash and stays in bed all day and refuses school. Or a teen who is so self-conscious or anxious at being laughed at or teased at school (for ordinary things like accidentally dropping a book or getting mayonnaise on her face while eating a sandwich) to the extent that she refuses to step outside the house. Then you need to worry. Anything that blocks onward development in other words.

And the book also describes how teen girls unconsciously use "externalization for emotional relief" eg when adolescent confusion or anxiety becomes temporarily too much to handle themselves, they hand over emotional "hot potatoes" to people who love them uncondionally eg their parents (usually mothers!) to hold for a while and that allows them to confront the issue in reality.

H

Sorry pressed 'post' too soon.

Hence you get a situation where a girl can be complaining to her mother that they hate univrrsity, that everything is going wrong, they are isolated and too anxious to eat and want to leave and come home (emotional hot potato) - mother lies awake all night worrying - then rings the next mornimg full of concern and teen says "what are you worrying about, I am going off with my frirnds on a trip this weekend?" (Parent has held emotional hot potato while teen works it out for themselves.)

Thanks @Slingingcontest that is a really interesting perspective and I have ordered that book. I read so many books when they were babies but hadn’t heard of good teen parenting books which is crazy as teen parenting seems much more complex to me.

@Slingingcontest

Sorry pressed 'post' too soon.

Hence you get a situation where a girl can be complaining to her mother that they hate univrrsity, that everything is going wrong, they are isolated and too anxious to eat and want to leave and come home (emotional hot potato) - mother lies awake all night worrying - then rings the next mornimg full of concern and teen says "what are you worrying about, I am going off with my frirnds on a trip this weekend?" (Parent has held emotional hot potato while teen works it out for themselves.)

Thank you! This is so helpful to read.

@Slingingcontest thank you for the rec and the summary, sums up my dd! I shall check out the book.
Op, mine is the same, on paper everything is going well, but when she opens up, she feels quite different. She appears to have good self esteem, but is actually v worried about the way she looks. Other than what's app, she has chosen not to use any social media which helps a bit, but she constantly compares herself to others. Her latest concern is also failing her GCSEs, although she too is predicted good grades. She is in a residential school, which puts a lot of social pressure on her as there is never an escape.
I remember having similar issues when I was her age, but I would have chewed my leg off rather than tell my parents (although they were great and I could have) so it somehow feels bigger than how I felt because she has told me about it. When she's not telling me how unhappy she is, we have a brilliant time and laugh a lot, so it's awful to see the flip side come out.
Apologies for the essay! No answers, but solidarity. And I'm going to order that book now.

My pleasure; happy it helps a bit. I've found it all to be quite a learning curve tbh! At eighteen years, we are through the worst I think (I hope! ) but there certainly isn't as much info & support out there as there is for parents of infants. The author is American and the examples in the bk are quite USA-centric but I think the underlying issues are more or less the same!

Sorry, that post was intended for: Hamnet , MoiraNotRuby and Itonlytakesonetree

@Slingingcontest that’s exactly it. I have DDs 21 & 17 and I am their sponge. It’s hard as I’ll carry their worries and they move on. DD17 exaggerates a lot but it took a while to realise. She hasn’t had a happy sixth form and nearly didn’t complete year 13 but now has 4 uni offers and is doing well. They have a lot of stress on them. It’s hard, hang in there.