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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd12 missing lesson by hiding in the toilets

16 replies

Noideawhatimdoing12 · 13/01/2022 14:13

My dd is 12 and started secondary in September. She always loved school and seems to manage school work and has made new friends. She talks about school (mostly) in a positive way.

So I got a shock today when school rang to inform me her and another girl had stayed into the toilets for a whole lesson messing about on phones! They had people out looking and were rightly very worried.

I'm just trying to get the balance of punishment right (this is my eldest and first steps in to teenage children). I was thinking to tell her she has broken our trust, which means all the apps (snapchat/instagram) that were granted on trust must be deleted and she loses the phone for a week. She also has detention at school.

Is this reasonable or not?
Thank you for any wise advice.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 13/01/2022 14:16

I would just caution that before you move ahead with punishments and disappointment and broken trust etc, you talk to her neutrally about WHY she felt the need to skive that lesson. If it really was just two girls being a bit naughty, then OK - lesson learned, don't do it again. There may be something underlying it though - a problem with the teacher, one of the girls needing to talk about something worrying them, a bullying problem. If there is something else behind it, you need her to feel that she can confide in you, not see you as a punitive enemy she needs to hide from.

Georgeskitchen · 13/01/2022 14:16

Yes I would say that sounds reasonable. Hopefully prompt DD not to repeat the behaviour

22itsallnew · 13/01/2022 14:19

I think it depends on how your daughter will respond to the punishment from school - detention. If she will be upset/ concerned to get into trouble that may be enough along with a conversation with you about responsibilities and taking the phone for this weekend.

If she laughs off the detention etc - I'd be more inclined to delete apps etc

I'd also be keeping an eye on that friendship if this is out of character for your daughter. It's only the firts term in year7 bunking off is not a good sign

Original poster
Noideawhatimdoing12 · 13/01/2022 14:20

Thanks that's very good advice and I absolutely would try and figure out if there was a reason behind it before moving on. We are quite an open family and she talks about all sorts with us which is why I am fairly confident that no bullying etc has happened.
I'm always worried I'm a bit too soft with boundaries/punishments.

Hopefully just a moment of sillyness.

OP posts:
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 13/01/2022 14:23

Is it just one lesson? If so I would let the school do the punishing. Talk to your daughter about why she skived and make it clear there will be harsher consequences if it happends again.

ShinyHappyPoster · 13/01/2022 14:32

It's odd it took a whole lesson to find them. Surely toilets are the first place you look in case they've taken ill.

I think your suggested punishment is fine. And as PPs said I'd be checking in with her for underlying reasons.

scaredsadandstuck · 13/01/2022 14:35

Is it a new friend OP? If it's out of character it could be the dynamics of a new friendship at play. I'm not saying she was led astray as such, but maybe caught up in trying to be cool etc.

I agree that a chat about the why is important, but also some kind of phone-related punishment is probably apt, but don't drag it out too long.

ViceLikeBlip · 13/01/2022 14:38

I'm not sure it needs extra punishment at home (but then again I work at a boarding school, so school issues are dealt with during the school day, and boarding issues are dealt with after hours. No boarder would get two punishments for one transgression)

Definitely make it clear that you're disappointed, and that you support the school detention. And as PP have said, try to get to the bottom of why they were bunking off in the first place (in my experience, it's quite unusual for yr7 to do something quite so naughty- this is usually year 9 territory)

shiningstar2 · 13/01/2022 14:41

Retired teacher of teens here. I would not go as far as you were suggesting. However not a good sign at the start of year 7 when usually they are still feeling their way cautiously in a new environment.
I would have a serious chat and tell her you are disappointed. If she is taking the detention seriously I wouldn't go further that taking the phone away for the weekend.
I would wait and see if the new friendship looks like becoming 'besties' once the detention and s done. If it's looking that way I would get your DD to invite the friend over. You may really like her and decide this is an openly dilated incident with one as much to blame as the other, or you may think your DD is likely to be unduly you influenced by new friend. They make a whole range of new friends in high school. All likely to be ok but no harm in getting to know the friend.

PinkSyCo · 13/01/2022 14:44

I think your punishment fits the crime beautifully. I take it you’ve asked her why she thought skiving off in the loo was a good idea though?

Original poster
Noideawhatimdoing12 · 13/01/2022 14:45

For those asking- it is a new friendship (not one I like- I know we can't choose and I have never said anything) and is very out of character.
I try hard to encourage some of the other friendships she talks about.

She spent the whole of primary school being the very sensible and smart one.

OP posts:
chasingrain · 13/01/2022 14:53

She wont be the only kid to ever have done this - at least she wasn't smoking in there!

I wouldn't give her a lecture on trust but I would ask her why she did it. if you go to harsh on her now she may find it hard to be honest about future times she messes up.

She has been punished in school - I bet she got an absolute rollocking. I would be inclined to just ask 'what happened today and why? and not punish her at home.

Although I absolutely would be asking her to hand her phone over so you can see what she was doing on it. She might be having issues with other kids

scaredsadandstuck · 13/01/2022 18:16

@Noideawhatimdoing12

For those asking- it is a new friendship (not one I like- I know we can't choose and I have never said anything) and is very out of character. I try hard to encourage some of the other friendships she talks about.

She spent the whole of primary school being the very sensible and smart one.

Maybe a conversation about understanding it's hard to go against peer pressure and wanting to make new friendships, but not at the cost of her 'reputation' as it were. Good luck. I'm sure if she's normally the sensible one, it will be fine. And I bet she was mortified getting in trouble.
bubble2000 · 14/01/2022 13:10

Definitely lose phone for at least a week // - need to be very tough now so she doesn't repeat.

wishmyhousetidy · 15/01/2022 15:51

i think really important in secondary school to watch new friends they make. I took my eye off the ball in roughly year 9 as we had always been quite an open family and thought my teen would make good decisions but that was not the case. It can start by skiving lessons, to skiving school, getting detentions and much worse. Obviously if your daughter likes this girl it’s very difficult but just keep channels of communication open so if things go wrong she will talk to you.

blyn72 · 20/01/2022 09:50

She sounds like a normal teenager. I remember (many moons ago), skiving off some lessons and once spent an entire lesson with another girl, lying on the shelf of a cupboard in the classroom. Nobody looked for us or even noticed!

My son raised skipping lessons to a fine art and he has grown up fine, with a good career,

It's not to be encouraged of course but as it is your daughter's 'first offence', let the school dish out any punishment.

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