So gutted

[Barryallen]

Hi,
Just posting for a hand hold I think. Not sure how things are going to go today. Just had a phone call from my DD’s Principal- she’s 14 and in her first year of high school (we moved to the US years ago)
Apparently he was called by another Principal and long story short she has sent two ‘threatening’ texts to a former classmate. He wouldn’t tell me what was said except that one was sending the girl her address (as in I know where you live)
Police were involved in so far as they did a reverse phone number check to identify her phone number.
Her Principal took her phone and she’s currently still at school - I will have to talk to her when she gets home:(
This is a kid who has never had one friendship or discipline issue since she started school!! I’m just astounded and right now I feel sick that she chose to do this??!! I will have to find out who the other child was and why the hell she did this- one message was sent last night and the other one was sent while she was in school? Wtf?!
Obviously she will lose her phone and be grounded but I’m so shocked that she has done this- anything else I should think about before I speak to her? Her guidance counselor at school will be calling me tomorrow and I’m assuming there will also be in school consequences. I’m starting to think maybe I don’t know my child at all right now:(
Any advice before I have to speak to her would be welcome. And what would you do above and beyond taking her phone and grounding her?

I would take her phone away, because she's not safe using it, and beyond that I would let the school handle the punishment side of things. My priority would be to find out what the hell is going on with her, how this started and progressed. This hasn't happened out of the blue.

Were the school not aware of any difficulties between the girls prior to the other student leaving? Have they never flagged any kind of bullying or threatening behaviour from your daughter?

I think you need to stay calm, and do a lot of talking with your daughter.

Did she definitely have her phone at the times the messages were sent? If it’s so out of character I wonder if another student may be playing a cruel prank.
If it is her, then she needs to lose her phone, for a good amount of time, and a big talking to about trust and bullying.

Take a deep breath. You don't know anything yet. Speak to your daughter. Most importantly, listen to her. Good luck.

They haven’t gone to school together since the end of last school year- they are in different high schools (I don’t know yet who the other girl is)
I know a lot of talking is needed- she’s not the easiest to talk to as she gets mega defensive.
I’m scared I think that this may be the tip of an iceberg. She’s genuinely the kind is kid that up until now teachers and other parents have loved?! The thought of her being a bully makes me feel sick:(
To top it all my husband isn’t the cleanest person in situations like this which can be counter productive so I’m dreading that also!

She's 14. 14 year olds do stupid things. Hopefully the police and school getting involved and losing her phone will show her just how stupid she has been.

She admitted it all to her Principal straight away. Told him it was an impulsive thing and that she struggles with that (which has never popped up in the past 14 years!) so I think she’s smart enough to say what she thinks will get her out of trouble.
She will be losing her phone but honestly I’m more shocked and sad. I’ve never had a reason not to trust her- I guess now I have!

@SummerHouse

Take a deep breath. You don't know anything yet. Speak to your daughter. Most importantly, listen to her. Good luck.

I think this is very wise advice.

Put time aside to concentrate on what she has to say. Don't respond rashly, make sure that whatever you do she'll look back on in years to come and know that you responded fairly.

@Barryallen

She admitted it all to her Principal straight away. Told him it was an impulsive thing and that she struggles with that (which has never popped up in the past 14 years!) so I think she’s smart enough to say what she thinks will get her out of trouble. She will be losing her phone but honestly I’m more shocked and sad. I’ve never had a reason not to trust her- I guess now I have!

She's 14, so this is the age when you'd expect to feel less in touch with what's going on in her life, for her to be secretive about some aspects of her social life etc - that in itself is normal, and part of the gradual detachment process. I would try not to catastrophise about this being the first problem she's had, or not being able to trust her any more, and just deal with this one situation as pragmatically as you can. Keep calm when you talk to her, make it clear that while you're not pleased about what she's done, your priority is her and what is happening for her. She needs to be able to open up and tell you what has caused this behaviour, and she won't do that if all she sees is a wall of shock, anger and "I can't trust you any more".

Thank you everyone.
I’m stuck at work and yes I’m feeling like this is the worst thing. I’m just gutted that this is her first year in a new high school and now she’s met the Principal for the first time in this situation:(
My DH definitely goes OTT and cannot stay as calm as I do sadly (ongoing issue) so that’s another aspect of my dilemma.
Thank you all so much for the great advice- I plan on trying to listen listen listen and just hope I can get an insight into why she did this…

Handhol @Barryallen . Teenagers! This will be a learning opportunity for her and you. There must a backstory and I hope she will share it. We've all made some crap choices as teens and young adults, right? First hear her out. if there is no remorse, come down on her like a ton of bricks, if she softens up and shows some remorse after that, start talking, empathise, share stories about your own mistakes and how you have moved on from them. Hair raising teenagers

Handhold

Has the dust settled op? Hope all is looking a little calmer and manageable now.

Thanks for asking- yes the dust has settled. She came home and was distraught, saying how she hated herself and couldn’t tell me any reason why she did it?! She was a mess for a couple of hours. I took her for a drive so we could talk away from the house.
I took all the good advice everyone gave and just listened and was calm- it helped a lot.
I explained that she had lost her phone for now and she’d have to take the consequences at school also.
Her school have been really great. Out here they have school counselors and the head one called me the next day. They have banned her from bringing her phone to school until March 1st - if she does need it (say for the bus- sometimes it takes different amounts of time for the journey and she has to be picked up) then she has to leave it in the counselor’s room all day. They have also had her sign a no-contact order banning her from any kind of contact with the girl she texted.
The counselor was amazing- 27 years of experience and she did say my DD was hard to read but that she felt she texted as an impulsive act as a way of venting something else she is feeling? She also reassured me that this one act was not how they judged her and that teens do some dumb things!
I’m so glad it has been dealt with in school fairly and just pray that she learns from this!
Other than that she is grounded for now and when she gets her phone back it will be monitored by Bark. I think tbh she is a little relieved that she now can’t have her phone on her in school.
Thank you again everyone for holding my hand. Parenting teens doesn’t come with a manual!