Teenagers and 50/50 contact

[Getbehindme]

Hi,

My eldest is pre-teen at the moment but I'm trying to look into what others experiences are of 50/50 care when the kids become teens.

At the moment, we have fairly quick change overs (just over a year separated) but with the house up for sale and my move potentially taking me further away (10 miles) I'm wondering about what will eventually change and when around contact.

At what age did your routines change and lessen when your kids became teenagers? Is there a point where start to have a say in where they want to be and who with?

There's a lot of what ifs currently about where high school will be etc so this is just some info gathering for now. My kids are 2 years apart (but 3 school years) if that helps. Both girls.

TIA

Sorry that you have had any responses yet @Getbehindme. Have you tried posting in the relationships section? You just might get some responses in there

DD is at high school she has the basic days she sees her dad and then if they want to change days, that's fine but she has to check with me first to make sure we don't already have plans.

BUT we don't have 50:50 and her dad lives 40 miles away. The students in my school who do 50:50 find it quite hard, they struggle to be organised, school shoes / blazers can be left at the wrong house etc, most that have mentioned it to me prefer to have a base, they don't like living out of a suitcase. Those students who don't mind it have parents who live fairly close together, have doubles of everything (pe kits etc), both parents support their hobbies so they don't miss out on matches or training for whatever sports they do and they are equally welcome at both houses with their own bedrooms and space.

It's a tricky thing to get right, maintain flexibility and communication is really important, the needs of a year 7 are entirely different to a year 9 developing their independence and spending more time out with friends and entirely different to a Yr 11 sitting their GCSEs.

Well, we don’t have 50/50 (he has 6pm Thursday to 6pm Saturday) but mine are 14 and 16. If they asked/said they wanted to go to the other house then they could…. But they don’t yet. A couple of times my X has guilted them into staying longer when they’ve had to isolate here due to covid, and a couple of times they’ve stayed here longer eg when we’ve gone away with their younger siblings at half term (we gave them the choice, X insisted on extra days at future weekends in lieu) but they’ve not really chosen to vary from the agreement. I suspect they’re trying to be “fair”, which makes me a bit sad for them.

Thanks all.

They currently have a bedroom in each house and we're developing doubles of everything- there's a bag that goes up and down the road but we deal with that.

To my mind, we'd do as you say @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime, we'd support activities and listen to their needs etc we're currently flexible and open with them.

I'm conscious that he's in a rental and will buy at some point and that could mean a move.

I'm struggling with making a selfish decision to move area essentially. I sway between the whole 'if you're happy, they'll be happy' and 'you need to sacrifice yourself as a parent'. It's hard making these decisions on your own as well, although I'm asking friends to be really honest with me, most are supportive of me finding my happiness.

If you don't have to move then I probably wouldn't until the children can physically get themselves to either house under their own steam but ofcourse your ex might have to move out of the area anyway.

It's not a case of sacrificing your happiness for ever, just maybe another 5 years. Having potentially 3 house moves (his x 2 and yours) close together, the lose of the home they were bought up in and the separation of the family probably won't be good for them, it's alot of upheaval, they really need some sort of anchor.

Ofcourse if you have to move out of area as you can no longer afford to live where you do then you'll have to move but I'd wait if you can.

I know what you're saying. I'm not sure things will be in any better a position in 5 years however, if anything they'll be tends at that point and even harder to please! Affordability is an issue, what I can afford here on my own might not spell a good life for them either. We might have to accept a degree of flux now in order for things to be more settled in the future.

I'm a single mum (with no ex on the scene at all) with a 14 yr old DD. She obviously has lots of friends with different family set ups. Based on her observations, I think close proximity of both parent's houses makes a massive difference in secondary school - at least until 6th form. It is a big step up for them from primary needing to organise themselves with uniform, sports kits and books for ever changing daily timetables and the reassurance that they can nip on the bus to get something theyve forgotten from the other parent's house is important. Also, from Y8 onwards, I found that friends - and their easy access to hang out with them - became really important for my DD's happiness so this is worth considering when you are thinking about moving etc. I really appreciate that there is much to consider and I agree that a happy parent is usually the better parent...wishing you all the best

Me and my ex DH had 50/50, I was in a rental and bought a house. At this point I spoke to exDH and discussed the kids staying with me through the week once they'd moved school for continuity. They were 8 and 9 at this point but I was looking toward their teenage years. The kids stay with me Monday to Friday, go to dad's 3 weekends a month.
Fast forward, they're 13 and 14 this year and it works well. Their friends are here and there's no remembering to bring school stuff back and forth

We did 50/50 successfully through the teenage years. Living 5 mins walk away from the other household really helped - being able to pop back and forwards for items of clothing, school books etc and just to touch base.

We gradually moved from swapping houses mid week aged 9-14 to a whole week in each and then two-three weeks at a time based in each (by sixth form). This worked well as avoided packing and transition to slightly different routines and expectations too often. Kids now at Uni and happy, settled and equally at home in both houses.