Rebellious teen

[Pamsnelly]

So my 14 year old daughter has been lashing out at me lately, (she is my 5th child) I have 5 children 3 from my first marriage and 2 from my second marriage. Me and her dad separated years ago and we are both in new relationships. Her relationship with her dad was strained at the time..when me and her dad were together he was in the pub every night, gambled every day, and left us with no money for food so I use to go to friends houses for tea…He was abusive towards me Infront of the kids..my oldest 3 children can’t stand him now and he was there step father for 14yrs but have cut all ties with him..I work full time and my partner stays on a weekend. He gets on amazing with all my children and got on absolutely fantastic with the 14yr old but now she’s turned on him. Now I don’t have to pay for the gambling, the drinking or his debt I can afford nice things for the children now and enjoy buying the things they ask for my youngest has recently become all for her dad, and become abusive towards me, she goes to her dads and refuses to come home, she tells me I’m paranoid about her dad and his girlfriend being better parents than me, “which they are” was her words, now I’m able to buy her and her siblings things then apparently I’m buying for her her to like me..she tells me she fells like she needs help but according to her dad she is an angel at his house and has no issues with her…I’m heartbroken why she’s behaving like this or showing hate towards me, Im now constantly crying when I think of it all and have no idea what to do or who to turn to, but mostly I feel like I’m the biggest failure as a mother which is gut wrenching.

Also just to add I have tried asking her dad to be on my side so we can work together and she can’t then play us off against each other…any advice tips, or reassurance would be appreciated xx

Im replying because although I'm married and my daughter has an uneventful life she is a master of making me feel like a failure 😞
A friend said to me that teenagers are hard wired to cause chaos and disruption and will often lash out at the "safe " parent
I've become expert at hiding my feelings , hurts and tears and saying "ok , thanks for telling me "While walking away .
Good luck ? You sound like s great parent

Thanks for the reply, I am honestly at my lowest point now, I honestly wish I was strong enough to say “I’m if you want to live there then go” but I’m just not

My DD13 often tells me I'm unfair, lashes out etc. She also says she prefers here to her dad's but continues to act like she hates it here.

I've come to the conclusion it's just teenage behaviour, not that it should be tolerated in any way, but our hands are kind of tied.

I often cry to DH im a bad mum...I challenge her on the nasty things she says by asking her to think how she'd feel if someone said that to her, I encourage her to try learn to think before she speaks, consider others feelings, shoe empathy. I mean, none of this works right now bit I keep challenging it.

My oldest DD is now 22, as a teen she rarely even spoke to me, except that I'd ruined her life by leaving her dad and moving her school. We now have the best relationship ever...I hold onto hope that if im consistent she will also come out of this stage.

For me it’s more the hurtful things she says, I was brought up in care from being a newborn and I got of my daughter “no wonder your mam did t want you have you seen you”, I’m paranoid because her dad is doing better but what she doesn’t know is her dad beat me black and blue several times, he drove his dad to attempt suicide because he took there money and hounded them for more, everyone in the family know about this other than his/our children..several times my older children have nearly exposed there dad for what he is but I’ve begged them not to, it’s not going to make things easier for me…after leaving there dad I have money and so can give them a good Xmas, birthday etc but I get I’m trying to buy her…what can I do I’m at my wits end