Son behaviour mimics abusive ex

[FlipflopHatstand]

My son is almost 18.
He has had an on and off relationship with his Dad for years. I've never stopped him, but not gone out of my way to encourage a relationship.
I hate his Dad. He's abusive, violet and when I left him I was homeless.
I raised my son and his younger daughter with little help, he didn't start paying an maintenance until my son was 10 and even then it only lasted about 2 years. I have worked so incredibly hard to build a life and provide opportunities for my children.
He has grown canabis for years, my daughter plucked up the courage to report him to the police and nothing happened. Except her Dad knows, my son told him and he's cut my daughter out of his life.
He had multiple suicide attempts.
In 2020 this resulted in him being sectioned.
This is a very very high level of everything, so much else happened including racist attacks, punching his own Dad. He is a horrific human.

However, my son is once again back in touch. He tried to hide it, but his mood swings, his mannerisms screamed his Dad. Things he says and does.
This Christmas break has brought it to a head, it feels like I'm living with his DD again, everything I do or say he responds like his Dad.
I want nothing to do with my ex, the fear I had around him or to feel how I did. I cannot be in the same room as my son.

I don't really know what I'm asking, I've hidden in my room all afternoon crying that my son despite everything is too much like his Dad for us to have a relationship

I’m so sorry, it sounds like an awful situation. Can you ring womens aid tomorrow and talk to someone there? I’m sure they will have some advice as you won’t be the only person that this has happened to. Hugs xxxx

I think I would tell him. Can you say, I got out of an incredibly abusive relationship with your father and I feel like I'm trapped in it again. I'm not prepared to do this with you. If you carry on behaving like him then you'll need to go.

It might be just the blunt response he needs.

@MadMadMadamMim

I think I would tell him. Can you say, I got out of an incredibly abusive relationship with your father and I feel like I'm trapped in it again. I'm not prepared to do this with you. If you carry on behaving like him then you'll need to go.

It might be just the blunt response he needs.

I like this. If he doesn’t/ can’t change then he needs to leave.

This is very close to what I did do. I told him his behaviour is so close to his Dad's and how it's making me feel.
His response was that I always blame his behaviour on his Dad (but seriously in the 18 months they weren't in touch we had no/very minimal issues)
Then he sat in total silence. Asked if I was done yet and walked to his room.
He's ignored me since, but been super nice to my husband (which is odd) and now after tea gone to his room.
I strongly suspect this is 'oh look she's on one I'll ignore her till shes calmed down and put on the charm offensive for everyone else to show how unreasonable she is'
It's a fucking script and I want to vomit.
I want him out, but if he goes to his Dad's then he's no hope. There is no way to win this, there's no way I can be ok and he can be ok

I want him out, but if he goes to his Dad's then he's no hope. There is no way to win this, there's no way I can be ok and he can be ok

But he's almost an adult now. And he'll need to own his behaviour and make his own choices in life. I understand what you are saying, but ultimately you need to set your boundaries for what you are able to tolerate in a relationship.

This includes partners, parents, children and work colleagues. Only you can decide that actually this crosses a line and for your own mental health and sanity you need to distance from this person. It's very hard, but I think you need to make it clear to your DS that certain behaviours won't be tolerated and he is very welcome to go to his dad's if he's going to carry on like that.

@MadMadMadamMim Thank you.
Logically I know you're right. It's lovely to hear someone point out he is almost an adult, because I see a child still.
Not just my little boy but someone who is yet to learn that their behaviour does have real impact, that they must make up their own mind and take control. He has an idea, doesn't follow through, with anything. I feel like every choice he makes is really someone's suggestion. His current college course i suggested.
Joining the RAF was my suggestion
He says he wants to join the RAF after college, but to do the job he wants needs a driving license. He got bought a car for his birthday, I paid for lessons...upto the driving instructor saying he's not wanting to learn, I speak to him about it and his response is the driving instructor is a (insert lots of names)
So I give him the option, find another or sort your attitude towards the instructor. He did neither. Just stopped.
He's got to run a mile in less than 15 minutes, he's done zero training because I stopped him going out at 9pm dressed head to toe in black. I ordered a head torch and reflectives that night...that was October and he hasn't run since.
Honestly the list could go on but I'm terrified.
In my mind if he wanted these things he'd put the work in, I can suggest things, I can provide the tools, but he must do it.

To move in with his Dad, he'll leave college (Dad lives 2 hours away)
Dad I believe lives in sheltered accomodation due to the injuries he sustained trying to take his life (loss of use in hands, brain enurysm, stroke) he's also in a wheelchair.

I don't think my immature 17 almost 18 year old grasps that come June college ends and he has to do something.
That his behaviour is unacceptable and that he scares me. I think despite everything I failed and if I make him move out I have failed.
I also see this may be why his Dad is the way he is, because his own mother has forever picked up the pieces