12yo DD, tearing my hair out. Long sorry!

[Squiffyyy]

DD is 12yo. I've always suspected she could potentially be somewhere on the spectrum. Every parents evening since starting school has been "so good, but never finishes her work, so easily distracted." It was never mentioned so I just hoped she'd grow out of it and offered encouragement.

Fast forward to Y8 and she is a nightmare. And it seems to be stemming from having to be alot more independent and organised. She has been on report for around 2 months now. They've escalated from head of year to deputy head reports recently. Deputy head called me the day they finished for Christmas to tell me that if she fails his report then we will be looking at "school transfers". Now the thing is - we are awaiting a CAHMS assessment with a wait time of 22 weeks when we self referred and were accepted over a month ago due to various behaviours linked to past events. We also around the same time went into school to meet with the SENCO who agreed to gather info from her teachers with a view to refer her onto the ADHD pathway to check for an ADD diagnosis. That was supposed to take a week, it's been 5. She ticks almost every single box at school and home.

We thought that by doing this, that in the mean time the school would stop playing such hard ball and recognise that for potentially various reasons - she is massively struggling. Instead she is constantly on lunch time and after school detentions for things like forgetting pens, leaving her PE kit in her locker, not being able to find whatever teacher needs to sign her report, being 5 minutes late to class etc. And the reports are never ending. Some days she will get great comments, then one teacher (mostly her PE one) writes an awful one and she is given another detention and I get bombarded with calls telling me what she's done and that it needs to change.

I suppose my question is - while we are waiting for these assessments, is there any help that we can ask the school to put in place to bridge the gap? Should she have some sort of ILP in place considering she is clearly struggling? Can they expell or transfer her for reasons that are largely pointing towards a potential diagnosis while we are waiting for it?

I feel like at the moment she is just constantly being told and reminded of how useless she is at school instead of being supported more. I am also struggling with how much to punish her behaviours in school considering what's going on.

Apologies for the length 🤦🏼‍♀️

Gosh, I have nothing really helpful to add but hopefully bumping so someone more knowledgeable can come along but this sounds really OTT from the school. I am surprised they are talking about a managed move for something as trivial as forgotten pens/PE kit. How does she feel about moving? Maybe this unsympathetic and strict school isn’t for her, are there any other options nearby? Somewhere with a better SENCO reputation.

DD’s school tends to come down quite hard on admin-y type stuff like this but I can’t imagine them trying to move on a child like this.

I would push back with the school, and remind them about how slack they have been with the SENCO reports, they are really not supporting your girl appropriately. Best of luck.

Is this a private school? I'm absolutely boggled that they could "transfer" your daughter in these circumstances.

Sounds like they'd be doing you a favour! They should be supporting not endlessly punishing. You could apply for an education , health and care needs assessment

www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/education-health-and-care-plans

School and the council may tell you she will never get one, ignore them and appeal if you need to. You only need to show she MAY have special educational needs (already evidenced by being constantly on report, her struggles and referrals) and she may need support via n EHCP (impossible to say she doesn't until they've actually assessed) and you can also argue an EHCP is required because school refuse to appropriately support her.

They can't just transfer her.
Have a look at the IPSEA website and apply for an EHC needs assessment (it's model letter 1) you don't need schools permission or help to do this and your DD does not need a diagnosis to get one. Many needs assessments are turned down on first try but are successful upon appeal.
Your local SENDIASS can also support you through this too.
School cannot keep punishing her for things that she may not be able to control.

I would go absolutely ballistic on those "educators." Everything they are doing is only causing more stress and harm to your child. Their approach and negligence is staggering.

Thank you both. It isn't a private school, no. It is however the best senior school in our city. All girls. She doesn't want to move as the other options have awful reputations, a lot of bullying etc, very poor ofsted reports.

I'm not condoning her behaviour, she is being a bollock no doubt, and it is clearly distracting foe others kids and teachers, but I know there's something deeper going on than her just being forgetful and badly organised. Not one day goes by when I don't get a message via the school app letting me know that she not only has a lunch time detention but after school too on the same day. It just feels a lot and I feel awful for her, she just seems to be spending her days fending off criticism.

The SENCO was actually lovely, and they have a lot of programs in place in her school, but it seems like it's only for statemented kids.

I will go in all guns blazing if I need to but I guess I just wanted some reasurrance that this isn't usual and I'd have a leg to stand on. Surely there has to be something they can put in place for her instead of just brushing her off for not meeting their standards. I feel like they've just got their backs up about her now and are going through the motions to get her out.

Oh a few replies before I hit post!

Thank you.. actually made me feel quite tearful. Her self esteem has taken such a battering this year. Would requesting a meeting with the head of year or headteacher be appropriate here?

Hi op..I'm an adult with adhd and was exactly like your daughter as a teen. I'm a happy professional now ! Just to give you some hope. I was asked to leave by my high achieving all girls school as well. Firstly I think you may need to play hardball here. Is there a local form of support. Who has been friendly and helpful? Could you wrote to your Mp?

However I also wonder if it would be such a bad thing to find your daughter another school. I left my very high achieving etc girls school for a mixed large sixth form and was so much happier. I went somewhere where I was treated more as an adult and being able to drop a few subjects and focus was much better for me. I think common adhd trait is to be good when we find a subject interesting but really struggle when bored.

It sounds like they have it in for her - wouldn't it be worth actually going to see some other schools in case one is a better fit ?

As you say (and as I have experienced myself all my life ) its so easy to end up feeling like a ground down failure.

Final comment! You should absolutely be demanding to see the head or head of year. Their treatment of her is unacceptable.

I think If I were you :) I'd make a appointment to go in and speak with the Head Master or HeadMistress whoever, and explain the situation take her with you, and start asking what they can do for you and more importantly your daughter. Set new boundaries together, constant detentions aren't going to help anyone and it might give the duty head a bit of a kick up the * to start actively helping. Saying she might need to change school is essential passing the buck - isn't it ? Its not going to solve anything. I'd have a long chat after all its a new year, fresh start maybe ? Might be in order all round.

Within in school first step PSP :Pupil support plan with specific targets such as learning and behaviour targets ,reviewed by teacher/Mentor and behaviour lead with parents every 6 weeks.
Other supports/interventions such as emotional support sessions, additional music, PE , forest school, lunch time clubs etc these provide room for both physical and emotional release for children who experiance emtional /mental / physical over load .
Differentiated behaviour path way with realistic targets reveiwed regularly in conjunction with parents.
SENCO should be reviewing all processes in place along with behaviour lead if the school has one ,form tutor and parents. Your Senco should also be doing observations at intervals.
Its the in school support mentioned above if using the plan do reveiw method correctly that would provide a significant amount of the evidence needed to support either a EHCP and or a ADHD refaral.
You can apply for an EHCP as a parent but the are hard to get and require a vast amount of supporting evidence from school, gp other professionals etc . You can also go through your GP and ask for a Peadiatric ADHD refaral but they will also request supporting evidence from school.
Great to here the Senco is on board but children where there is a strong indication that there is additional need , must access the support programes the school have in order to evidence there need.

She's another victim of the current trend towards rigid, formulaic one-size-fits-all school management styles. Is the school using an off-the-shelf behaviour policy like Ready to Learn or similar? Is it an Academy?

It sounds very much like your daughter is not neurotypical, and I would pursue assessment - and if appropriate, diagnosis - at the earliest opportunity if I were you. Neurodivergent children are very often ploughed under by these inflexible and faceless regimes in schools. They are repeatedly punished and offered no support, problems snowball and kids who can't cope end up either moved on, off-rolled, excluded or spending their days in a cycle of isolation and negative attention. It's brutal. My elder child's SEN diagnosis was the only saving grace for us, as we were able to force the school to make a few reasonable adjustments - not enough, and not with anything like a good grace, but enough to keep him in school and get him through exams.

I advise you to start keeping notes. Insist on things being in writing and keep copies of every interaction you have with them. Familiarise yourself with both the school's stated policies (they should be on the website, challenge them if they aren't) and the law in relation to your daughter's right to access the curriculum and have her needs met. Ask about the school's learning support provision and make a formal request for it to be available to your daughter while she is awaiting assessment. Good luck.

Blimey, I could have written this. Only my son is diagnosed with ADHD already but is supposedly only mild so doesn't qualify for any help.
He gets negative marks nearly daily which means if there's a school trip then he will miss out and some subjects are 3 negatives and then it's detention etc.

We've had no end of trouble with getting sendco to step in but sounds like yours is more on the ball. You just have to keep pushing and pushing them.
There shouldn't be any talk of her having to move schools if you are in the process of getting her diagnosed and I can't imagine they would be able to do that without a whole lot of legal hoops to jump through.

I've got relatives going through similar but at primary age. They've found an Inclusion officer who works for the County Council who is helping them in dealing with the school. What to ask of the school etc. This person has been invaluable to them.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and really feel for your daughter.
I’m not sure about diagnosis or special needs requirements and there’s lots of advice on here- but I do know that lots of teenagers struggle with rigid school structures more because school structures don’t seem to allow for people who sit outside the “organised person” box. High achieving schools are particularly ruthless as they want to keep a certain type of individual. Many teenagers are a bit behind typical age behaviour at the moment. It’s very obvious in primary schools too. I’m pretty certain I cross checked my daughters bag all through year 7. She had an emergency stash of different pens at bottom of her bag.. often they have lockers in different floors, have to carry everything around all day, no place for coats. I didn’t stop spot checking and reminding on PE kit until prob early year 9.
I think it’s fine to do this. As long as your child isn’t stealing bullying and crossing behaviour lines that are important to you, there’s nothing wrong with supporting her case against the school.
I agree with the person who says maybe a new school in year 9 may not be a bad thing. My daughter has flourished in her sixth form college versus her high achieving detention heavy private secondary school which caused her a lot of anxiety.

Good luck to her xx