19 year old DS - makes no effort ,,,

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My DS2 is currently back from uni for Christmas, and i’m getting increasingly annoyed with him…

He’s up till 4am every night , either out with mates or on his XBOX, which i know isn’t unusual at his age , (and after the lock downs i’m happy he has his mates and a social life ,, )

He is good lad , but I’m feeling so frustrated about other things ,

he makes little effort to have a conversation with me , i get one word answers and he rarely asks questions,

he takes little notice of his brother or sister ,

he doesn’t have a job at uni, he’s not bothered about one , but i feel he should have a job, not only for the money , but to have a bit of responsibility and gain experience,

his room is a pigsty since he’s been back , clothes everywhere

He has uni exams in January , but has not started any revision for them from what i have seen ,,,

AIBU to shout at him to grow up, get a work ethic and make an effort ,?!

or should i step back, let him get on with it ,,,?

I would concentrate on his academic issues. if he isn't putting the work in and isn't working for his exams this month, but rather playing on his X-box, is he wasting his time at university? Is he happy there or miserable?

He sounds very normal and well balanced to me as a 19 year old student goes 😁 He will grow up but 19 is still very young these days! xo

Ds19 was like this until he went to uni and now is spookily nice. When he comes home he’s chatty, appreciative, respectful - like an alien tbh.

Is he is first year? Maybe one term hasn’t quite transformed your ugly duckling into a swan yet?

Thanks for your responses , DS is actually very happy at uni and he seems to be passing his exams etc. i just worry a bit as it’s quite an intensive subject that hes studying.

He is in his 2nd year , (his first year was pretty unsettled with all the covid lockdowns, so it’s good that he's enjoying his 2nd year )

maybe need to let him get on with it , it’s just hard …?,!

Honestly you're right, it is rude, it is selfish and he's reverted back to being younger because he's at home.

When my ds14 is like this I remind him that it's polite to make polite conversation. Tidy up after himself and generally have manners. I do it in a way that has a little humour in it though rather than a telling off, he tries after that.

19 is still young and unfortunately you are still socialising him

My parenting is different to yours in that I have by western standards interfered. My parents were strict in a way that would make MN shudder and it was too harsh, Chinese upbringing.

He isn’t doing anything absolutely terrible compared to how out of control some young people his age are. But that sort of behaviour would be unacceptable to me as well. The one thing I would point out is the mess in his room. If you want any kind of conversation with him then ask him about something he likes and let him do the talking.

Do you have any shared common interests at all? My sons and my interests cross over a lot, mine are gaming, military history, politics, cooking and horror films and he is also interested in them. I do not share his love of football and he does not share my love of singing.

What subject is he studying?

He’s 19. Leave him alone, he’ll change in time.

My ds 28 is on his games until 4 am.

Thanks for you responses

He is doing maths at uni , yes i think that you are right about the socialising him ! :)

Mine are only 17 &15, but I do say that making a noise after 10:30 on a school night is not on. Also are expected to clear up after themselves. I would Hoover at 9am