What happens with custody agreements at 16?

[Forgetaboutme]

My son has always lived with me. I'm remarried and he has siblings at our house. He goes to his dads once a fortnight. Over the last year or so he's been saying he can't be bothered going. His dad has recently moved in with a gf who has her own child and my son doesnt have a room now and sleeps on the couch when there. He will be 16 this year. I dont have a great relationship with his dad but I also dont have a particularly bad one. Basically we only talk when he comes for my son. We've stuck to the arrangement as much as possible all this time.

So at 16 is that it? Will my son basically be able to just only go when he wants? Can I tell my ex to contact him directly to sort seeing him? He stays about 2 hours away so its not as simple as my son just popping in to visit him. My son is also not very familiar with the area his dad has recently moved to.

We are in Scotland in case this makes a difference.

My dd stopped seeing her dad younger than that.

From what I understand, he sought legal advice and was told they can't enforce her going. Unless he had proof I was stopping her going, there wasn't much point.

Ds soon did the same. At about 12.

Their dad is a conspiracy theorist and (now) covid denier. So both had plenty of text evidence that he was just losing his mind.

Thanks for your answer. I wish my son wanted to go NC with his dad but he does love his dad so thats not an option. His dads harmless but very impulsive and constantly moving house. This is his 3rd gf hes moved in with since we split. My son loves his dad but just doesnt like being so far from his own house and friends. He hates not having his own space when there. I guess ideally he would have days out with him rather than staying over.

I just long for the day I don't need to see his dad name and face pop up on my phone arranging pick ups etc.

I think at 16 he’s old enough to make his own arrangements. I assume he has a phone? Just email your ex to say that now ds is 16 he wants to organise stuff himself and let them get on with it.
I can fully understand your ds not feeling particularly enthused about going if he hasn’t even got a bed to sleep on.

@Greydogs123

I think at 16 he’s old enough to make his own arrangements. I assume he has a phone? Just email your ex to say that now ds is 16 he wants to organise stuff himself and let them get on with it. I can fully understand your ds not feeling particularly enthused about going if he hasn’t even got a bed to sleep on.

Came here to say this. My older DC stopped seeing exh around that age. I emailed him saying to message them directly to see if they wanted to meet up with him etc. Now they occasionally meet for a coffee but nothing else. DD11 is heading the same way already tbh. Since the new partner moved in she's been sidelined more than ever.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect a 16 year old to sleep on a sofa. And I’m very pro kids seeing their dads. I’d suggest until he can provide a decent sleeping arrangement perhaps he should only visit once a month or something?

I only actually found out about the couch thing after my son had spent a few days there after xmas. His dad hadn't told me he had moved in with the gf (he is constantly moving) it was my son who told me. I feel like ive tried really hard to make sure my son still has a relationship with my ex but this kind of feels like the last straw. So if you're saying 15 is old enough and I don't need to wait till my sons 16 then I'll defo have a chat with him sooner. I just always worry I'll come across like the person trying to stop their contact and be resented by my son at a later date if I interfere. Maybe from now on when my son says he can't be bothered going I'll just text my ex and let him know. My sons worried about hurting his dads feelings but I want to teach him its ok to put himself first since i dont feel like his dad does that.

Hi OP, I'm also in Scotland...from a legal perspective at the age of 16 your son is an adult. He does not need to adhere to any legal contact arrangement.

Your waiting till 16? Ds was told by children services he wasn't to be forced at a much younger age

He’s not going to be cutting contact with his father, just not going to stay as often. He can phone him up, meet him, have him over every now and again- just not every other week.. I think you should still suggest to your son that he goes and sees him once a month or something.

As a late teen, the courts are highly unlikely to force a teen to go to his dads against his will even now, especially if he no longer has a bed to sleep on there and it’s 2 hours away from the rest of his life. They would also totally expect that any contact that does happen is arranged between dad and son with no need for you to be involved at all. I understand why you feel like you should be involved especially if you’re wanting to keep a relationship between them and if the son is anxious about hurting dad’s feelings and struggling to bring it up himself but at this age it really is better if you can leave them to sort it out between themselves with encouragement to your son that it’s ok to think about his own wants and needs too (including wanting to sleep in a bed most nights!) and not just his dad’s, and that he shouldn’t agree to something solely on the basis of any emotional blackmail coming his way for example. Perhaps your son might suggest reducing the amount of weekends he spends there, or meeting dad somewhere halfway or near to where you live for the day only etc.

I would tell your son it is a new year, he will be 16 this year, an adult, so what he wants from "contact" arrangements is now up to him. Tell him to have a think over the next couple of weeks how he wants to go forward, then support him to tell his dad.

Can I expand on this.. . We have a similar situation but from different perspective. Step son is 15, has been told by his mum at 16 he doesnt have to see his dad (i.e come to our house). His dad is mega upset - hes always been involved. I have a step daughter too, (11) so we are worried that when/if SS doesnt come to ours, then she wont either.

Their dad has always paid his child maintainance (and extra when he can, or the kids needed more) however thats worked out based on kids spending a set amount of time with us. what would happen to the amount he would have to pay if SS/or SS and SD decide to stop coming? Would we need to increase payments based on reduced time even though its SS deciding not to come even though we are happy for him (and want him) to come here.

If it helps, also in Scotland. SS is in school (barely attends though) so we would likely be paying until he is 18 anyway.

There is no arbitrary age where kids can choose their own contact arrangements. If he doesn't want to go don't make him go.

Thing is it's not like he doesn't want to see his dad completely. He's not upset at goung or anything, more just that he can't be bothered. It's the fact his dad is a couple of hours away and my son wants to hang with his friends at weekends but has to plan around these visits. He also likes his own space at home, he has his own room here. Its been made worse by this recent move. He was only about 25 minutes away before he moved and the day visits would have been more viable. I'm thinking once a month might be better like others suggested but very much gonna put it to my son to decide.

Not really relevant but his dad has never paid child support. I tried to get it years and years ago but he just kept quitting his jobs and getting a new one right before any wage arrests. Then when CSA changed to the new system I just didn't bother because I didn't fancy paying to apply and potentially getting nothing. I only mention this because there is a good chance I'm bitter and looking for an escape from this deadbeat. But since 15 seems a fine age to take a step back thats what i wanna do, i just thought i had to do my best to stick to the plan till he was 16.

Seems like time that ds and his dad forgot about the sleeping over and just had him over for a few hours or they go to a match or have lunch together. My niece started just going for lunch with her dad at that stage and going back to his for an hour or two to watch a movie/ hang out. They have kept this up long past the stage of having to go and have very close relationship.

So maybe time for ds just to shake it up a bit and his dad to agree on this ..hopefully with no hassle. After all if a teen is living at home he will be out and about with friends, at sports whatever and not sitting at home with his parents all day.

Continue to keep the CM and contact arrangements separate, it is the right thing to do.

The NRP has to negotiate and facilitate contact directly with their child as they move towards adulthood. They should have been preparing for this by developing an environment and a relationship where the young adult feels welcome, at home at their house, they can also see friends and continue their social life and space/quiet for studying while there. Very few teenagers want to hang out with their parents for full weekends. It shouldn't come as a surprise to any parent that the relationship and contact will change around this age and if they have not prepared for it they need to fix that quickly.