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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Accepted face of DV

13 replies

Cloudsonhorizon · 01/01/2022 16:14

NC for obvious reasons.
I am at my wits end with DV. Being hit, spat on, kicked, knocked out. Abused financially, manipulated and gaslighted.

But I have to keep living with my abuser as my abuser is a near16 yr old DC. DC's dad is terrified of DC having been attacked with weapons. Rooms have been ransacked, stuff thrown about, broken, stolen.

The rest of the family just wants to feel safe in their own home and not to be frightened all the time. The impact on siblings is enormous. They are scared , mental health issues, self harm etc. Siblings have stated they just want some peace. They often stay awake at night to frightened to go to sleep in case they are attacked.

There are no relatives who can help - none in the older generation and others have tiny babies etc. No family friends or other adults DC looks up to.

The ante has been upped and DC attacked their siblings. One of whom was lucky not to sustain life long damage.

DC has had drugs issues and ceased them but the same underlying anger and personality issues remain. Severe MH issues but refuses to engage with any professional support so gets discharged. Has seen endless social workers, endless support been given and is not interested in it.

DC does have friends and there have been comments there is a kind caring side. However DC also has deeply vile beliefs which have not come from any adults around.

Every last drop of energy has been invested in trying to help DC. There is a small period of reprieve after any disaster (normally involves police being called) with some remorse sometimes. Within days sometimes hours back to square one. There is no energy left to cut the internet, remove the phone, restrict websites - as the attacks and intimidation and destruction of the home is not worth it.

Police have been called repeatedly. DC gets "told off" and then SS get called again. They tell police there's nothing they can do. Police leave, starts again.

All of this is exhausting, I don't think I will last many more weeks, let alone months of this.
Part of me wishes the anger would be taken out on someone external and DC would end up in prison - where DC would no doubt become more violent. The stigma of this would ruin the siblings' lives.

As a parent I have clearly failed and it's all my fault. All the hours spent nuturing and caring and helping DC find activities failed. All the love was pointless. I am failure as a human being and next time I get attacked, I won't defend myself and maybe then it will all end, at least for me

OP posts:
Ozanj · 01/01/2022 16:18

Kick him out. It will make social services do something. While he’s living with you nothing will happen and in fact they may start trying to rehome the younger more stable kids as they are far more likely to get foster care options. While he’s out, change the locks, and contact the police if he tries to get in.

Notamaidenname · 01/01/2022 16:19

Can you press charges on DC? Or ask SS to remove them?
I’m sure someone will be along with better advice but you have spent so long trying to help DC, but what are you doing to help their siblings and keep them safe? Not much by the sounds of it.
This situation isn’t working for anyone and you can’t keep repeating the same cycle
You’re clearly, understandably exhausted.

The love and time isn’t wasted, but they need a kind of help you (and most parents!) aren’t able to give them now. You aren’t a failure, you’re trying your best, and it’s not over yet. But you need to keep yourself safe and well, so you can help your other DC.

delilabell · 01/01/2022 16:20

You haven't failed at all.
For me I think you need to protect protect younger ones now. You need social services to get that you are not going to have a violent teenager in your house anymore. Can you get a support worker to help you?can you report to ss that your children have been hur t? Is their anyway you could make him homeless?
All things sound harsh and awful but you cannot keep living like this anymore x

BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 16:22

Tell your other children to disclose that they are unsafe at home to every teacher at school. SS need to treat this as a safeguarding issue for them.

And tell SS that you will no longer house him. The other children need to be safe in their home. They can try to persuade his father to have him.

Call the police as soon as he even threatens you or one of his siblings. Press charges if he assaults them or you.

You will have to force the system to take him.

Helenluvsrob · 01/01/2022 16:24

These people. Call them. They get it x

www.pegsupport.co.uk/#Home-supportforparents

MadMadMadamMim · 01/01/2022 16:27

The violent DC needs to go. The very next incident call the police and have them removed. Refuse to have them home. The system will have to take them in.

You HAVE to protect your other children. They can't live in a home where they are terrified and abused, that's utterly unfair on them. If your DC's father is terrified of them imagine what your other children feel. One of whom was lucky not to sustain life long damage. Imagine BEING that child! If they are not to be traumatised for life you have to act now to get rid of their sibling.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 01/01/2022 16:28

You need to tell SS you will no longer provide a home for your violent DC. SS will not act to house/support them until you force their hand.

It sounds like you have done what you can. Your priority now must be your other DC. Feeling continually unsafe in their own home must be awful and will cause long term damage if you do not act to protect them.

cherrypie66 · 01/01/2022 16:29

The dc has to go for the sake of your other children. Ring social services and tell you can not have them living there anymore for the safety of your other children you havnt failed you have done all you can

littlebilliie · 01/01/2022 16:57

I can't imagine what this would be like and I would be telling your DC that they have to leave.

SheWoreYellow · 01/01/2022 17:01

I think that what their siblings are having to live through will be affecting them more than when you say “The stigma of this would ruin the siblings' lives.”

Please get some help with this.

Cloudsonhorizon · 01/01/2022 18:21

Thank you for the messages.

SS have been told that neither parent can safely house DC. It created a torrent of tactics that were equally exhausting - the worker that knows DC was in full agreement but then others came on shift and said that DC would die in care/ by age of 21 - this fact was supported by the police.

Another worker said if DC was refused a home, the parents would be prosecuted and the other siblings removed.

Therefore I am worried that as a parent I could be charged, lose my job, my home and my other DC if I refuse to put up with the continual violence.

DC's main worker understands but said it's far easier for them to find a place for the younger well behaved DC even though it's not in their interest at all to leave a loving home. There has been so much evidence of violence though - at school as well. The police and third parties have witnessed it.

OP posts:
BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 18:42

@Cloudsonhorizon

Thank you for the messages.

SS have been told that neither parent can safely house DC. It created a torrent of tactics that were equally exhausting - the worker that knows DC was in full agreement but then others came on shift and said that DC would die in care/ by age of 21 - this fact was supported by the police.

Another worker said if DC was refused a home, the parents would be prosecuted and the other siblings removed.

Therefore I am worried that as a parent I could be charged, lose my job, my home and my other DC if I refuse to put up with the continual violence.

DC's main worker understands but said it's far easier for them to find a place for the younger well behaved DC even though it's not in their interest at all to leave a loving home. There has been so much evidence of violence though - at school as well. The police and third parties have witnessed it.

I think you should make a formal complaint about the intimidation tactics from the SW who said you could have the other children taken away. And the one that who told you your son would die in care.

What you need are SWs for the other children - and a safeguarding plan for them. Those people are actually endangering them rather than protecting them. Speak to someone much more senior if you need to. Because it’s not simply about the violent child and that’s all they seem to be focusing on.

Speak to the school. Ask them to make referrals to child protection for the children who are being abused by the eldest. Get your children to tell their teachers how scared they are and his violent he is towards them. Make this about their safety and get professionals on board who will advocate for them. You might be struggling against social workers who don’t want the responsibility of asking the eldest into care, but the safeguarding lead in a school can go to multiagency meetings and advocate for the younger children. Similarly, take the younger children to the GP about his this is affecting them. Or call the HV if they’re under 5. Get professionals whose responsibility is to them to do that for you.

Care services for violent 15 year olds are not great. But it looks very much like the alternative will be a young offenders institution at this rate. Plus child protection issues when he seriously injures a sibling.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 01/01/2022 18:43

Something needs to happen because this situation is untenable, and it can't last.

Why would he die in care?

You're in an environment that has nothing to do with how you raised him, or how you treat him.

You've probably already seen this but these people may help whosincharge.co.uk/

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