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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS14 and New Years Eve

15 replies

WonderOnTheUp · 29/12/2021 22:09

Hi, just wondered if I could have some advice/perspective/reality check please?

DS14 (only child) has told me that he’ll be out NYE. By out he means wandering about with friends, not at a party.

I’d said I wasn’t happy with this plan so he’s changed his tune and said he’s staying at a friends house instead.

For context, he’s been slowly and steadily behaving much worse over the last 18 months - 2 years. In more trouble in school, no effort to work, room is disgusting, attitude sky high.

I think I’ve made many mistakes to try and make things better and only made things worse including grounding and removing his phone (he is completely addicted and will lash out if phone removed).

He just seems so unhappy and says it’s my fault for nagging and that he’s not that bad. Apparently most people are doing weed or have tried cocaine at his age and I should be grateful/proud that he hasn’t.

He’s an august born child so youngest in his group of friends, most are now 15.

What is an acceptable arrangement for NYE for a 14 year old? I seem to be picking all the wrong battles and any attempt to talk to him is met with pure hate/contempt. The atmosphere at home is awful and I just don’t know how to make this better. Apparently his friends are nicer to their parents as they are much nicer parent than I am.

I’d really appreciate any advise, wisdom or even a hand hold please.

OP posts:

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 29/12/2021 23:56

It feels as though you are blaming yourself for a number of things in your post and guilt will undermine your confidence in your decision making. Teenagers can be very manipulative, they know what buttons to press and they can see when someone becomes unsure of themselves. I think you can decide what you are happy for him to do on NYE and don't waver from it.

Sorry it's difficult. My friend is going through similar with DD and she says it's utterly exhausting.

ilovechocolateandcake · 30/12/2021 00:32

You have my sympathy I am waiting with dread with what my just 15 will be asking to do. Her usual curfew is 8pm and I won't be moving it to midnight.

Bat3 · 30/12/2021 00:58

Just wanted to let you know I have a 14 year old and am going through the same battle regarding NYE.
You’re not alone.

I think (haven’t decided yet) I’m going to let mine sleep out, but only if I’ve had confirmation from the parent who’s house it is. Otherwise, 12.30 pick up, which I wouldn’t normally allow, but as it’s NYE… it means I can’t drink, but I’m not too bothered as I have drunk quite a lot over Christmas!

Having teenagers is sooo hard.

NameChange2PostThis · 30/12/2021 01:23

Hi op, it’s hard. You are not alone. I have a teen that age and an older teen.

Wandering the streets is a no no in my opinion. Even if they behave impeccably, they are likely to be targeted by older kids or drunken adults or the police.

Could you offer to host? Realise it’s a pain in the arse to spend NYE like this, but this stage won’t last long. And at least you’ll know where he is, and maybe get some goodwill back in return.

ErmineAndPearls · 30/12/2021 01:29

The “staying at a friend’s house” sounds dodgy. I can totally understand why you don’t want to do this, but I might consider telling him that some of his friends could stay at/ come to yours. It is kind of rewarding bad behaviour, but at least you’d know where he is…

Blanketpolicy · 30/12/2021 01:37

What is an acceptable arrangement for NYE for a 14 year old?

Assuming you will be having a drink or two so won't be at his beck and call if he needs a lift, a couple of friends at yours or at a friends house where you know the parents and that they are being supervised. No drink.

There is no way ds would have been let out if there was a possibility he would be wandering the streets past midnight, NYE or not.

FredoWasWeakAndStupid · 30/12/2021 04:54

OP sorry for your problem - are you in touch with the other parents and can you check the sleepover plan? If not, do you know any of the others in the group who you could get in touch with?

It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do - I would give my arm for my DD to have others to hang out with rather than be in her room 24/7 but it's everyone's own situation. DH has asked me if I would rather she was wandering the streets and of course I can see that would be a complete no no too.

On the one hand, at least your DS is out and socialising, but you want to know who he's with and where they are, not to mention what they are doing. I think getting the support of the parents of his peers would help - present a united front and take the heat out of him thinking 'it's just you'. Safety in numbers.

You're not alone - the bad home atmosphere and lack of common ground with defiant DC is hugely upsetting whatever the circumstances and it's trying to find a way to get some ground back.

waterrat · 30/12/2021 05:43

Could you approach this in thr spirit of openness and say okay let's say you were hanging out on the streets - where will you be and who might be there. Could you say yes and then check in on him with a subtle drive past? It's hard for this age group as they want to be together but have no spaces that are suitable. As someone said Could you host even for a few hours ?

I'm not sure it's fair to categorise wanting to ge with friends hanging around as intrinsically worrying. Being realistic it's natural and with no youth clubs open anymore and most parents not wanting gangs of kids at their home where are they meant to go ?

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 30/12/2021 07:27

I will definitely say that I don’t think it’s “normal” to be doing cocaine at 14 (weed maybe not so unusual) and if this is what his peer group is up to, then I’d definitely not want him wandering around with friends outside on NYE.

I have a 14 year old DS but he’s definitely on the more immature/less streetwise/more geeky side of 14 which has its pros and cons, on the plus side he will be with me and his grandparents (who we are visiting over the holiday period) on NYE probably playing a board game and will be very happy to do that lol.

In your shoes I’d let him stay over with a friend ok if that’s really his plan but I’d check with the friend’s parents first that they’ll be supervised.

BabycakesMatlala · 30/12/2021 07:37

I feel your pain - stand your ground!

DD (13) is hanging out with a new crowd, some of whom have started drinking. At least she's up-front about this, and isn't with them when they are, but she's now furious as she wants to go to a party on NYE where there'll be no parents there and def some kids drinking. And is bitterly disappointed that, having been honest with us, she's not allowed some compromise. To top it all off, she has developmental trauma, so her need for control is massive, and her capacity for transforming the atmosphere immense. Have had enough, to put it mildly.

Hottubtimemachine · 30/12/2021 09:53

@waterrat I was coming on here to say the same- where exactly are teenagers supposed to go if not wandering the streets? It’s such a shame they have no youth clubs or spaces. My 14 year old goes to the cinema a lot but it’s expensive.

Original poster

WonderOnTheUp · 30/12/2021 11:12

Thank you all so much for your suggestions, advice and moral support.

DS never really had a group of friends growing up, always on the immature side, he would have really benefited from starting school a year later with the next year group. He was depressed during lockdown then found new friends, some of whom vape, smoke and apparently smoke weed too. It was worrying but he said he finally felt happier that he now had some friends so it seemed hard to try and stop it, all I can do is try to guide him to make the right choices but I’d be there for him if he didn’t.

The last time he said he was staying at this boys house (in the summer) they were all out in the park until 5am. Admittedly it’s next to the boys house but I was still not happy about it. I suppose at 14 they think they are much older but don’t always have the maturity to deal with things.

He’s dismissed the idea of having friends over and mortified when I asked for the boys mum number (think I made a mistake there) and has said it doesn’t matter now as he plans to sneak out anyway

The suggestion of asking him where he is and having a sneaky drive past may be the best in these circumstances.

It is unfair for them as they really don’t have anywhere to go and at that age, most of them probably don’t want to be with their parents!

Really not enjoying the teenage years, it’s a minefield. He keeps saying I don’t have a grip on reality about what 14 year olds do these days and maybe I don’t really. I wouldn’t have got away with half the stuff he does. Hopefully it’ll get easier soon!

OP posts:

Eggsandavo · 30/12/2021 17:16

Not much advice but you are not alone. My son was 14 in October but all his mates are a year or two older and he thinks he can do what they do.

I'm pretty lenient with him but he still pushes the boundaries a lot and nothing is ever his fault or idea, there is always a sob story about his friends needing him to be somewhere for whatever reason.

I'm letting him stay at his girlfriends house NYE but they have a spare room and I've said I'm trusting him not to drink too much (her parents will be there but I haven't met them). I'm not entirely comfortable with it but feel it's not worth the battle.

Do you track his phone? I do check he's actually where he says he is at least even though I don't know what he's doing.

Good luck!

MyGreenTutu · 30/12/2021 17:18

The atmosphere at home is awful and I just don’t know how to make this better

Let him do what he wants for this one special night out?

scooterbear · 30/12/2021 17:32

A cautionary tale. We have had the same issues with dd 2 this last year or so. She is 15. We mostly did the lenient but with boundaries approach, curfews, but allowing her some freedom. The end result of it was that last week she decided to go for a walk to the local shop at 9pm. She ended up accepting a drink from a random Stranger and that resulted in her going missing for three hours, assaulted we think and hospitalised. She is home and physically ok but mentally I've no idea how to unpick it all. She was writing cheques she couldn't cash in terms of her choices and unfortunately encountered a horror of a person who took advantage of that. Needless to say the last week has been truly horrendous
So I would say if you have any doubts around your teen, their friends, their decision making, wether they are drinking or not: keep them close no matter how much they kick off. We didn't as we were 'choosing our arguments' and I will never forgive myself.

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