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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Grounding DS (& what about NYE?)

23 replies

worriedmum20000 · 29/12/2021 13:33

I've posted a few times looking for advice on how to handle DS15 and taken on board the helpful suggestions and things have definitely improved day-to-day but needing help again with the latest fallout

So, ds has been given a LOT more freedom and we've spoken at length about me letting him find his independence, recognise he's growing up etc. I did make it clear however that occasionally I may say no to something & whilst he can discuss & question it, there will be the odd time he can't do what he wants & will needs to compromise. I promised not to do it too often or without good reason. All has been fine until yesterday - he told me on Monday he was meeting his girlfriend & she's suggested going to London. Said I'm not wild about the idea given covid rates but ok just not to be late as we're all going to friends that night and expected around 5/5:30pm (our friends and his so definitely something he'd usually be up for). He doesn't leave earlier as suggested and still goes down to London. Irritating but not something I comment on. Then at 5pm he calls and is still in town (despite me saying be home for 5) so I calmly remind him of our plans and to start heading home now please. He says he won't make it and will be nearer 8/9pm and hangs up! Next time we hear from him (phone was off/dead) is 9:45pm when he calls from his gf phone to say they're on the train & will be back at 10:30pm (he finally gets in at 10:45pm). I was seriously pissed off but just said I'm cross and we will discuss this tomorrow to avoid a major argument in front of our friends.

I really feel he's taking the piss now and has no respect for our compromise and the leniency we're offering him. It felt like a massive "fuck you I'll do what I want" (which of course it is as once he's out there's nothing we can do!) I've never grounded him before but this really feels like the most appropriate/only action. But then what about NYE? Would that be too harsh making him stay at home (not to mention painful for everyone else as there's no way he's holding a party staying in on his own). Or if I've got this whole punishment thing wrong again, what is the alternative to grounding?

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 29/12/2021 13:35

Why would they go to London? Hasn't the NYE stuff been cancelled?

Original poster

worriedmum20000 · 29/12/2021 13:39

Sorry my ramblings weren't clear - London was yesterday, NYE is a party locally.

OP posts:

user1493494961 · 29/12/2021 13:44

In the scheme of things he wasn't particularly late back, just not back in time to go to your friends. I would let it go.

PlinkPlankPlunk · 29/12/2021 13:45

What are your own plans for NYE? If you are staying at home then yes, I would keep him in. If you had plans to go out then that is much trickier…

FWIW my 15yo will pretty much agree to any conditions etc to get what she wants and often conveniently forgets about them after the fact. It’s infuriating and I am looking for some way of changing this so watching replies with interest!

Original poster

worriedmum20000 · 29/12/2021 13:51

@user1493494961

In the scheme of things he wasn't particularly late back, just not back in time to go to your friends. I would let it go.

It wasn't the lateness I'm bothered about (& he's stayed out much later without any issues) but the one time I put restrictions on his social life he completely ignored me plus the friends were his as well as ours (old school pals & parents) so it was rude & embarrassing!

OP posts:

BluebellsGreenbells · 29/12/2021 13:54

How did the friends invite happen? Was he part of the decision? Did he agree to seeing them?

Vegetalienne · 29/12/2021 13:58

Why does he have to go and see friends with you if he’d rather do something else?

Original poster

worriedmum20000 · 29/12/2021 15:43

Friends invite came a few days ago but accepted without asking DS as it's his best mate and assumed he'd be keen but did however forget he now has a social life so should have checked.
When he said he was meeting gf that day, it wasn't an issue and still ok for the evening but he/they decided to extend their day and make a night of it instead of getting back when asked. I had suggested doing London another day or leaving earlier in the day so wasn't trying to stop them going.

Those saying just drop it he was having fun, does that not just validate his 'up yours' attitude? I'm really not trying to control his every move but he is still only 15 and part of our family & I feel should respect the (now very few) rules we have and the odd request we make.

I feel honestly like we're all walking on eggshells around him just to keep the peace meanwhile swans around doing what he wants and couldn't give a toss about any of us

OP posts:

givemepiece · 29/12/2021 16:14

I'm with you Op it wasn't okay. He had a time to be home but arrived 5hours later, it's disrespectful. I'd be so disappointed too

givemepiece · 29/12/2021 16:17

Fostering independence is great but in not adjusting his plans (leaving for London earlier), having no intention on coming back on time, hanging up on you, turning his phone off, coming back 5hrs late actually shows he is lacking maturity and possibly doesn't deserve all this freedom until he can show you he isn't as immature as his recent behaviour shows.

My DS is 17 and I've been there but I would have come down like a ton of bricks about this.

penguinwithasuitcase · 29/12/2021 16:21

OP, I don't know the wider context of your story as haven't seen your earlier posts, but we've had a similar-ish situation with DSS recently.

We told him that it seemed like we were perhaps expecting too much of him to manage his own timing / transport on the buses since he couldn't seem to make it home on time (this was the second time it had happened, always with the excuses that buses were late / he didn't know Sundays were a reduced service, despite us having told him to check, etc).

So we now have agreed that if it happens again, he won't be allowed to take the bus on his own to see his friends and will have to be dropped off / collected by us –which means if we're not free to drive him, he can't go.

If he can prove he's thoughtful and responsible enough to manage his own transport and timings, he can do so. If not, it seems we're expecting too much of him and we'll take pressure away (along with the freedom).

Would that be an approach worth taking with your DS?

rookiemere · 29/12/2021 17:14

I wouldn't ground him from his NYE party, maybe get him to do some reparations between now and then - wash the cars of make a meal or something- as a condition of going. TBH there's fault on both sides - you organised a social event for him without checking he was available, but he should have got home at a reasonable time.

Allthepickles · 29/12/2021 17:34

Wow you’re far more lenient than me! Ds (15) has recently been given more freedom to stay out later etc but he’s still expected home by 10 and has to do as he’s told if I need him to be home. He will be spending NYE at home as it will be carnage for teens, he’s fine with this, he’s 15 not 18.
Sounds like he’s taking the piss and thinks he’s all grown up to me

user1487194234 · 29/12/2021 17:58

I think it's unreasonable to expect them to fit in with your social plans at that age
We are very close to 3 other couples and have socialised a lot over the years
Now the children are older it's totally accepted that they might not all come along
Mostly they do but totally their choice
Grounding him on NYE is totally ridiculous,and the sort of over reaction that could have long term consequences for your relationship

penguinwithasuitcase · 29/12/2021 19:33

@user1487194234

I think it's unreasonable to expect them to fit in with your social plans at that age We are very close to 3 other couples and have socialised a lot over the years Now the children are older it's totally accepted that they might not all come along Mostly they do but totally their choice Grounding him on NYE is totally ridiculous,and the sort of over reaction that could have long term consequences for your relationship

You're missing the point. It's very clearly not about the social plans –it's about the fact that they made an agreement and he broke it.

He didn't call to re-negotiate the timings, instead he announces he's staying out, turns his phone off, and stays out not only past the initial agreed time, but several hours past the time HE said he'd be back, leaving OP in the meantime with no way of contacting him to check his safety.

This has nothing at all to do with an evening with family friends, and OP is well within her rights to be pissed off.

user1487194234 · 29/12/2021 20:06

Teenagers prioritise their own wants
Shock horror
None of it would have bothered me and mine all seem to have turned out ok

JustLikeaJingleBell · 29/12/2021 20:12

I have a 14 and 16 year old and this wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest.

It's a complete non issue for me.

Smartiepants79 · 29/12/2021 20:14

Has everyone missed the part where the meet up involved HIS friends also??
He wasn’t being dragged along to sit in a room full of middle aged couples and sip coke all evening!
He was rude and broke your trust.
I agree it requires ‘consequences’ of some kind..
My kids aren’t old enough for this nonsense yet so don’t feel I’m qualified to say what the outcome should be.
I would suspect that grounding may be hard to enforce at his age if he’s not cooperating.
Have you had a calm chat, does he understand why you’re so upset?

givemepiece · 29/12/2021 20:15

So you really would not care if your 15yo was five hours late home after spending the day in London with dead phone/phone off?

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2021 20:45

I love there phrase "with freedom comes responsibility".

I tell ds (17) this all the time.

I just gently remind him if he can prove he's responsible then I can give him more freedoms. (My ds is developmentally about 13/14 so I have to take this into account rather than chronological age as he's vulnerable).

It's worked for me so far. 🤞

penguinwithasuitcase · 29/12/2021 20:51

@user1487194234

Teenagers prioritise their own wants Shock horror None of it would have bothered me and mine all seem to have turned out ok

What a gloriously teenage response.

That explains everything, Kevin, thank you.

elelel · 29/12/2021 20:54

Said I'm not wild about the idea given covid rates but ok just not to be late as we're all going to friends that night and expected around 5/5:30pm (our friends and his so definitely something he'd usually be up for).

I would have asked him if he wanted to go, but I would have been done with him not coming back even if he initially said he would go, because it's ok to change plans throughout the day. Why did he have to come with you?

elelel · 29/12/2021 20:56

I would have been OK

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