I know parenting teens isn't easy but it shouldn't be this hard surely?
My DD is 17 - only child. Her younger years were straightforward enough and she was a charming, funny, bright little girl. We were pretty strict parents and has high expectations by she also had a privileged life in many ways. About three years ago it was like someone had flicked a switch and she became extremely challenging. She told us that she wasn't prepared to put up with the way she had been treated all her life and was going to fight back. And she did - we went through the mill, and at different stages the police, social services, GP, emergency doctor and A&E were involved due to her extreme behaviour. She started to get into trouble and stopped working in school. She also gave up her extra-curricular activities. I took a parenting course, did lots of reading around the subject of teens. Things calmed a lot over lockdown and she also escaped the pressure of GCSEs.
Last year, she became like a different girl - she did well in school, took up hobbies again, got a job, became more pleasant to be around.
However, thing kicked off with a vengeance again this summer. I feel that her treatment of us is bordering on abusive. She contributes nothing to the house, is plummeting in terms of A level studies. She now does what she wants in staying out all night. She has no self care, sleeps in her clothes and doesn't brush her teeth. She blows all her money (hundreds of pounds) on vapes and other junk, so I no longer give her any money. As a result of this and any other consequences that I impose (such as not taking her out driving), she is even angrier and says that I am a horrible and awful parent. Any time she is asked to do anything or to given a boundary, she shrieks expletives at us. She mitches school and has lost a job for stealing. Friends tell me to make her accountable for herself, but she just ignores me, barricades herself in her room and tells me that I have never shown her any love or done a single thing for her in her life. She didn't even buy me a Christmas present, took all her presents from us and disappeared over Christmas. She called me once - I thought to pick her up and bring her home, but turns out she just wanted a lift.
My mental health can't stand much more, but counselling hasn't really helped. I hate myself for being both tough on her (when I put my foot down) and also stupid enough to try to build bridges (she manipulates things to get what she wants and then treats us badly). I know teens will say anything when lashing out but after three years I find it hard not to believe all the awful things she says about me. I now wonder whether I need to thrown her out at 18 which I would have never thought I would say, but I can only cope with so much. But she will never cope on her own and I do think there is probably a mental health issue or other condition underlying all this. When I say it might be best for her to find her own way forward she just says she will kill herself. Today, she didn't like the fact that I refused something so she cut herself (a bit half heartedly) with a knife, so there is a lot of emotional manipulation going on. She had agreed to be tested for ADHD but there is a long waiting list but she has refused to be tested for ASD.
A few years ago I might have read something like this and thought I would never stand for this behaviour, but in reality, I'm powerless to do much. She seems to be able to avoid any accountability or consequences by just running away from them.
Would love to know if anyone else is finding the teen years this hard, or if anyone has any survival stories.