13 year old behaviour issues - parenting fail

[Thatisme]

A parent struggling with a teenager and feeling like a complete failure. That's me!
I know I am not alone in struggling with kids of this age group, but what I saw tonight really shook me to the core. My nearly 14 year old dd is incredibly challenging. She's behaving in a very rude,a selfish and inconsiderate manner all the time. She lies and is defiant to us and in school where her grades are slipping. Lockdown and jsolation have made the situation a lot worse and I am increasingly worried about the person that she is becoming. She is obsessed with social media and curbing her use of these is a constant battle. She has interest in absolutely nothing and has progressively abandoned all her hobbies and her extra-curricular activities. She went from being bright and mutli-talented to being manipulative and quite frankly, an unpleasant person to have around. Tonight my husband accidentally came across a conversation that she was having with a guy on social media. First of all, we are not happy that she talks to random people but what is worse is what she wrote. She posted photos of herself showing the middle finger (she blurred out her face) and told this guy: I want d..k and I want it now! I think my heart skipped a heart beat or two. I am a very open minded person but was raised very traditionally and I've tried to do the same with my kids. This is upsetting me on many different levels. Have I done such a bad job and have I messed this kid up? Also, any suggestions on how I should handle it? My husband wants to keep monitoring the situation and say nothing but I can't sit back and watch this happen. I want to do something but don't know what. Anyone has any ideas or any similar
experience? Sorry for the long post

If it was me I would confiscate her phone and even ban the Wi-Fi
I know kids need it nowadays for homework etc but I would only turn it on for then and keep a close eye on the work being done then turn it off again.
Block these apps off her phone as well if possible.

Monitoring the situation might mean that the next message she receives from this man (or another) is a dick pic. How would you feel as parents if that happened?

Time to be firm and parent your child. Take the phone off her, and have a serious conversation about internet safety.

Your husbands reaction is way off here. She is having a sexual conversation with an adult online that she doesn't know. She is still very much a child and needs her parents to protect her and guide her. You need to step in and stop this now.

Oh I can relate to this , I could have written it !
In the summer my Dd told us about a boyfriend, he came and met us , polite , seemed ok . we later checked her phone and found she had joined a group chat set up by friend who then left . My lovely Dd basically told that she was a virgin and never been kissed and wanted a boy to break her . Enter the bf !

After reading what I did I started checking her phone regularly, put screen time on . Yes she protested and we argued . But if I hadn't she would have been at risk . It's been a rocky few months but we still get on most of the time . It's hard being parent of teenagers , so many risks

Tell her some real life stories of internet dating where it all went wrong. Eg.. the girl met a man in a hotel and she was murdered. Tell her there’s some real losers and arseholes on the internet and she doesn’t want to lower herself.

(I met my wonderful man on the internet, love him dearly, but she’s not to know that)

I had a friend with 2 daughters and they were a nightmare, doing similar things as yours but she talked to them and slowly bonded with them so things got better.

Thank you for your replies and advice. I agree I need to take firm action and that is what I usually do, but the parenting is inconsistent as my husband often gives in, but that is a story for another thread. I just want to make sure that this time it won't just feel like she's being punished. I want her to understand the reasons for my concern, because if she doesn't she'll carry on doing it behind my back, because this is what teenagers do. It's really tough and I feel that despite my best efforts she doesn't have a moral compass. Or do I expect too much?

If it helps I tell myself I'm only failing if I do nothing. Xxx

@mumofblu

If it helps I tell myself I'm only failing if I do nothing. Xxx

Thank you