Dds friend texts and calls continuously

[Feelingoood]

Hello, minor question but am feeling so overwhelmed and down that I don’t trust my own judgement.
Dd is 16 and has friend who likes to have very long calls at night. Dd tired and would prefer not to. She also texts every day and complains if dd doesn’t reply or doesn’t want to talk for at least 2 hours. Tonight dd said she’d talk for 1 hour, but it got to be 2 and apparently friend got fed up when dd ended the call.
Recently we discussed and dd chose to explain she didn’t like calls at night to the friend who seemed to accept this - for about a night!The friend seems very manipulative and passive aggressive. I’ve suggested that Frind seems to be guilting her and asked what dd is getting out of the friendship.
How does dd explain to friend that she is happy to have short calls but doesn’t appreciate being made to feel guilty because she is studying or tired. The friend is very quick to say,’ you don’t like me’ etc. Dd doesn’t want to lose Frind but obviously this isn’t good.
I know it’s not a massive issue, but am just knackered and need someone else to advise!

We had similar when my dd was about the same age as yours, and a lot of the phone calls were very manipulative. I ended up, with dd’s blessing, taking control of her phone for an evening and being gatekeeper to my daughter….anything she had to say to my dd had to go via me. One night was all it took.

Do you think the friend is having issues at home and that’s why she wants to keep your DD on the phone?

I would step in, tell friend that DD is only allowed a certain amount of time on the phone/had to be off by X time. Be the bad guy. At the same time I would talk about boundaries and how to enforce them with DD (lots of info on youtube). If DD is letting a friend manipulate her like this then she will find it hard to stand up to others like a boyfriend in the future.

Thank you, yes it’s boyfriend sin the future that concern me.
Thank you I will look up you tube.
Being the gatekeeper/ taking the phone are good ideas. I wasn’t sure what is interfering and what I should let dd handle, but dd is obviously fed up, but doesn’t want to upset this girl.
She may be having issues at home, there’s no way I could find out.
Thanks lovely mns! I am finding everything exhausting atm!

All the best, op

thanks hawkins001 !

I had a friend who would just babble on the phone for HOURS about any old shit when I was a teenager. I was surplus to the conversation requirements half the time.
This was back in the day of landlines and sitting on the hall stairs to take a call.
My very sweet DM was eventually coached to take on phone gatekeeper duties. (It didn’t really bother her at all that I was on the phone!). Whenever I was a while on the phone she’d come and check with me - a thumbs down from me meant it was this friend and she would need to say in her angriest voice that I needed to get off the phone soon because I’d been on too long. Five minutes later she’d come back and “bellow” if I was still on!
I think she secretly liked to let loose a completely different character!
It really did help though. Mum was the “bad guy” and I got off the phone. I think that’s a good strategy to employ with your daughter.

I'd suggest to DD that you come into her room mid call from friend and say right DD you need to come off the phone now because (insert reason here!) and then she can be like oh sorry so and so Mum says. And I'd also suggest if the texts are constant that she replies, if she wants to, but leaves gaps. Go make herself a drink before she texts back next time. Pop in the shower then reply. Etc. Friend, however much DD likes them, needs to learn that, barring emergencies, no one needs to be constantly on call for her like that

Thanks! I love your user name btw. I banged on the door and told her it was bed time last night, which seemed ok, and dd got to complain about me being uncool. Hopefully I can just keep being uncool!
I still would like her to manage it somehow re future bfs. Will look at you tube.
Thanks all!

Your daughter needs to lose this 'friend'.
I've had 4 blood sucker's like this in my life.
My biggest regret is not dumping them.
I still fantasise to this day, that I go back in time and dump their pathetic arses, so I can get back the hours wasted listening to their crap lives, the hot ear from having the phone, the missed TV shows, the headaches.
Narcissists in the making.

Thanks scaredof.
I think you are right about narcissist in the making.
And about listening to endless crap. There’s a lot of draining people out there, I’m realising.

Assuming your DD is either in Y11 or Y12, she probably has a fair amount of revision or school work to be getting on with. Perhaps she would find it easier to allocate a short block of talking time each evening e.g. in a revision timetable, and to let her friends know that she's switched off notifications on her phone after that time e.g 7pm so she can focus on school work. Using something like Snapchat or Instagram stories to let close friends know that this is a new year's resolution, a rule enforced by 'mean' parents etc may make it feel less personal/about the demanding friend.

Oh that’s a great idea. I do wonder if the pressure is taking her mind off work. She is certainly stressed about it.
Thank you.

It's a lot of pressure to be under, especially if she's under the impression that she's the only one the friend will talk to. If that is the case, and particularly if she is concerned about her friend's mental health or safety in general, her being upfront with the friend about her own limitations may be useful e.g. being clear that she thinks it would be helpful for friend to have other people to talk to, a parent, a professional or make use of an online resource such as Kooth.

If she is concerned her friend isn't safe, she does need to tell her that and to say she'll either let you know (with the expectation that you'll report it on) or will report to someone at school because she's worried. If it's not a safety thing, it's likely that the friend's got no idea how much brain power she's consuming but having someone spell it out for her may make a difference.