My daughter and New Years Eve

[PeteJ]

Hello, could l have some advice please. My daughter is 13. She's just been diagnosed with autism, PDA, ODD, anxiety and depression this is all new to myself (single parent). Anyway she has lost all of her friends at school and is in what the school call "risk of isolation" due to her behaviour. She has been excluded several times and we are in the middle of her EHCP assessment. All the agencies are involved as her school wanted to permanently exclude her and to be fair they aren't meeting her needs.
Anyway ad you can probably see things are not great. So we have a family New Year planned but my daughter has a new set of friends (long story) and they are (apparently) having a over night party.
She asked if she could go and l said no. For many reasons but mainly to do with her newly diagnosed autism and her behaviour which is worrying and also because l am very uncomfortable with the idea of her spending the night with total strangers none of whom l really know.
Am l being unreasonable? I feel really crap as she (because of her autism) is completely fixated on this party and won't stop being pretty...abusive...more than normal which is pretty bad, her language and bullying etc.
Could l get some advice please. She is a literal person who won't compromise for example if l agreed to drop her and say pick her up around 1am..she will just refuse. She is abusive and makes things really hard. She lost two sets of friends because of her behaviour and these new friends are unknown to me.
Sorry for the length. Please help?

My two are not teens yet, but there is no way I personally would let my 13yr old go to an over night NYE party and that’s without autism or mental health issues. Please don’t doubt yourself as you are keeping her safe. As a compromise could she bring a friend to your party and maybe sleepover? However, if her behaviour is that bad and she is being abusive to you she doesn’t deserve it.

My DC have said that I was a wild teenager (and they don’t know all of it). However even in the 60s I didn’t go to all night parties at the age of 13. I wouldn’t be comfortable with any child of that age going to an all night party these days and I think your DD might be very vulnerable. This is an occasion when you have to be the adult and say ‘no’. I think the suggestion above is a sensible compromise.

OP, as a single parent with a 12 year old dd with autism, I would definitely say no in the circumstances.Explain that she is too young and you do not know the friends or their history. She is extremely vulnerable, but give her the option of having a friend over perhaps.

My dd is defiant too sometimes. What helps with her is me giving her some responsibility. Could you give her some tasks to do re the party at your house so she feels she is contributing or write a list of things that need doing and ask her to pick 10 she can complete and help with as you need her help? Distraction is a good technique but these are good ways to help autistic children with PDA feel important and included and that they have an element of control in choice. It works with my dd.

Thank you.

I am a relaxed parent but no I wouldn't allow this. Its the combination of new unknown friends, age, diagnosis, current behaviour and time. Nothing there indicates it is a good idea.

She's 13. Letting her go to an all night party and staying over with people you don't know would be neglectful. Even offering to pick her up at 1 am etc, given her age, would be questionable.

How old are her friends? Vv

You are absolutely right not to let a 13yo stay out all night with strangers! Trust your instincts and stand firm. Where has she met these new friends anyway?

No way. She’s 13. You are right.

No chance. Just one of those times you have to be the mean parent.