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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

SIL

18 replies

Motherofcats007 · 23/12/2021 04:57

I have a 22 to SIL who acts a lot younger than her age so thought this might be the right board to post. She’s invited to ours for Christmas for two weeks every year and for the past 3 years she has: clogged up 3 toilets (she uses one roll of toilet paper a day and I have no idea how she uses it… we’ve talked to her about it several times), broken the curtain rail by being too aggressive with the curtain and now she’s broken the return glass bit of our walk in shower. I am so fed up with her breaking things every time she comes and she doesn’t even bother telling us when she’s broken something. She’s just careless and frankly doesn’t give a crap about other people (she’s been here 3 days and never asked once how we are going, whenever she gets in touch is because she wants money) and their stuff.

What would you do to address this? She’s our guest so I don’t feel like we can give her a telling off but I am so sick of finding bits of my house broken every time she comes

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 23/12/2021 12:34

Uninvite her.

If that will cause a fuss so be it.

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 12:35

Either she doesn’t come or she pay for what she breaks

Kite22 · 23/12/2021 13:07

Bit more info needed.

Why does she come and stay with you for 2 weeks ?
Is she earning ?
What is her response when you raise concerns ?

NameChangeCity123 · 23/12/2021 13:15

I would save yourself the stress and not invite her. Maybe she can understand that nobody is going to put up with having their home treated like that. So disrespectful. If she's blocked 3 toilets, there's either a serious medical issue or she is doing it deliberately

Original poster
Motherofcats007 · 23/12/2021 14:42

She stays with us for two weeks because my husband has 2 weeks compulsory leave over Christmas and he tends to invite her up. She’s in uni so won’t be able to pay for the damages.

I was in two minds about inviting her back again until this morning when my husband spoke to her. She first feigned ignorance and then when push admitted she broke it ‘but thought she had fixed it’, and didn’t apologise until my husband asked if there’s anything she’d like to say. I am just so sick of her lying and luckily I’m working through Christmas so won’t have to deal with her much.

I’ve now told my husband that next Christmas we won’t actively invite her around and she can spend Christmas at her dads. If she asks then we won’t say no but limit it to a shorter period of time.

It’s the lying and aggression that really pisses me off. I am totally over spending my Christmas feeding and entertaining her whilst she wrecks my house with little to no consequences other than a stern chat from her brother.

Is it normal for young adults to be such selfish pricks who don’t care about consequences?? I seem to remember myself and my peers being much more mature…

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 14:54

Her being at university is neither her nor there, she just gets loans, bursary, money from parents and / or money from part time job. It doesn’t sound like she’s made to face the consequences of her actions so most likely she will continue to do similar.

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 14:54

Just = must

WeAllHaveWings · 23/12/2021 16:13

@NorthSouthcatlady

Her being at university is neither her nor there, she just gets loans, bursary, money from parents and / or money from part time job. It doesn’t sound like she’s made to face the consequences of her actions so most likely she will continue to do similar.
Agree. Stop thinking of her has a teenager. She is an adult now, give her adult consequences and don't deal with her like she is a naughty child. What would you do if an adult repeatedly broke things in your home through carelessness?

She needs to work out how she is going to pay to fix things.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 23/12/2021 16:37

Why does your DH invite her for the full two weeks if he knows they you don't want her there for that length of time?

Original poster
Motherofcats007 · 23/12/2021 18:59

I’ve only just decided I don’t want her over for Christmas anymore.

That’s true if an adult had done that they’ll not be invited back again

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 19:44

She IS an adult?! An ex of mine had 2 children by her age and a mortgage

SpacePotato · 23/12/2021 19:52

I'm surprised your DH actually wants to spend 2 weeks with his younger sister.

Is the family dynamic unusual? You mention her staying at her dad's, has their mum died? Does he feel he has to parent her or something?

monsterflake · 23/12/2021 20:04

My DD is going through a phase like this, although she's 6 and it's irritating enough at this age! I really sympathise with you having to deal with it from an adult who should know better.

I'm assuming there are no additional needs as you haven't mentioned any, however a 22 year old woman shouldn't need you to feed and entertain her, I was already a mother at her age and so were many people I know, my sons teacher is only 23! If there is no background reason why she is like this then you are well within your rights to refuse to have her to stay.

Lou98 · 23/12/2021 20:09

Is it normal for young adults to be such selfish pricks who don’t care about consequences?? I seem to remember myself and my peers being much more mature

I'm (recently) 23, I have a 7 month old baby, I work full time running my own successful business and have a mortgage - It's nothing to do with her age, it's her as a person!

I agree with PPs saying don't invite her anymore - she is an adult, don't excuse her behaviour as if she's a young child who doesn't know better.
Even your DH saying "do you have anything to say" before she'd apologise - I remember my mum saying that to me as a young child when I had done something wrong

Accidents obviously happen sometimes but she sounds careless and it would be the lying about it then needing to be told to apologise that would annoy me the most!

BarefootHippieChick · 23/12/2021 20:18

No wonder she behaves like she does when everyone excuses her behaviour and there's no consequences for her actions. She's 22, not a toddler. Don't invite her next year.

Original poster
Motherofcats007 · 23/12/2021 21:55

We suspect she’s got some developmental delays but was never diagnosed. She’s always acted a good few years younger than her age.

Re family dynamics, their dad is horrible and she was taken off her mum from birth. So my husband feels like he should invite her over to give her a break. But I think we have reached a point where she’s an adult and should start taking responsibility and we can’t just excuse her behaviour anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherofcats007 · 23/12/2021 22:13

Also just to add, they have an 18 year age difference so my husband has left home by the time she was born. Half sister. So he only ever saw her once or twice a year and now that they actually spend time together, he’s shocked at some of her behaviours

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 24/12/2021 08:56

It does sound as though she might have some issues. Was she taken from her DM due to addiction?

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