How much freedom did you give your 12 year old girl?`

[horsygirl]

I'm struggling. Some of her peers hang around in groups on the street in the evening (which I am not into at all) but her best friend isn't allowed ANYWHERE unsupervised, not even to walk the dog in broad daylight, which i find a bit extreme. I don't know where i stand on the supervision thing. I want her to gain some independence but when I see her friend walking 2 miles home in the dark from another friends house, it makes me shudder!

What's everyone else doing?

My dd is 11 and in yr7.

She is allowed to walk the dog on her own in daylight, in populated areas.

She has to walk a short distance to and from the school bus - although most of the time with friends for this.

She's also allowed to go to the cinema/bowling with friends - but a parent will take them and pick them up, with strict instructions about staying together, not talking to strangers etc.

2 miles home in the dark and alone is not safe imo - I'd be nervous about doing that myself.

Traffic rather than abduction is the biggest realistic worry I'd say...although I posted elsewhere recently about deleting dd's Bebo account because I really did feel it was unsafe that she'd put so much personal information on the net. (She'd created it without me or dh knowing).

Dd is in year 8.

Do you leave your dd home alone? I sometimes do in the day, with regular phone contact. Trouble is her best friend gets absolutely no freedom and it's making me paranoid that I'm an unfit mother.

What time does your dd go to bed/watch tv till? I'm confused over that as well!....

I have a 12 year old DD and an 11 year old DS.

They walk to and from the bus stop themselves. Within the last few months they have been allowed out to cinema, skating etc in Edinburgh on their own but the usual provisos of knowing where they are, who they are with and must have lifts home.

I will leave them both in the house together or my DD alone but not DS alone (he would wreck something) for up to two hours with regular phone contact.

DS goes out to play in the street/park. At this time of year it is dark but the area is well lit and I have found that boys are not harrassed the way girls are so I don't allow DD out to the park. I would not allow her to walk home two miles alone. Not because of traffic but because preteen/ young teen girls are constantly harrassed and tormented

Dd is 12 tomorrow and in year 7. She has to be dropped at the bus stop for school because it's too far to walk, but if it was nearer and the roads weren't too busy, she's walk. She goes down into town from school with her friends to shop or to go to a cafe, and she sometimes meets her friends in town on a Saturday - the go to the cinema or shop. She isn't allowed to come home alone in the dark yet. I'm not at all worried about abduction - but I am worried about her getting mugged for her phone, or getting lost if she missed the bus or something like that. She goes to bed at about 8.30-9.00, with lights out half an hour later.

No TV in her bedroom - and I am positively Hitler like about age appropriate TV and computer access - she's not allowed EVER to say that she's older than she is - even if it's only 13.

I will happily leave her home alone for two or three hours, and for half an hour or so in charge of her 6 year old brother.

Oh, and we live in the country and she is allowed to go off on her bike on her own - she cycles up to visit some horses that live about a mile away. She has to have her phone with her .

Oh and this isn't directed at the OP, honestly, but at the world in general. Am 1 the only person who insists that 11/12 is NOT a teenager?

DD is just 12 and in Year 7. She is allowed on her own in the house for 2-3 hours and I trust her implicitly. She is to be trusted more than her 20 year old step brother!

She regularly goes into town to the shops/cinema etc with 1 or 2 friends, and she is confident about getting the bus there and back (about 2 miles away from where we live). She and her friends are a sensible bunch. I would not like her to go into the town centre on her own, though.

We are very lucky in that we live opposite the school, so I don;t have the worry of her walking home in the dark. I am very strict that she does not socialise on a school night (unless it is something like tea at a friend's, which is pre-arranged) as I do not want her outside in the dark, whether she is alone or with others. We are lucky that we live in a very safe area, however I don't want to run that risk.

She goes to bed around 9ish on a school night, around 10ish at weekend if she is staying up with us, watching a film or something. She has a tv in her room, but it is not plugged into the aerial, so she just uses it to watch dvds.

Think it's important that kids this age are allowed a measure of independence - how else are they to grow confidence for heaven's sake. So think the OP has the right idea as opposed to her friend. It is pretty unusual to not be allowed out on your own at all at 12!

No TV in 11-yo dd's bedroom, but she doesn't go to bed early - usually halfway through the 10 o'clock news.

She has loads of energy (plays a lot of sport) and is always up in time to get the school bus, plus her grades are good - so I've stopped worrying about the late bedtime.

But I'm Hitler-like about the TV in the bedroom thing too - and the computer with internet access is in the hallway so we can keep an eye on it.

She is left at home on her own for up to two hours (I do feel safer knowing the dog, who barks loudly if anyone approaches, is there)...and we are strict about keeping the front door locked.

There's always someone on the end of a phone she can contact when she's alone, and we'd never be far away.

''Oh and this isn't directed at the OP, honestly, but at the world in general. Am 1 the only person who insists that 11/12 is NOT a teenager?''

No not at all, (I agree COMPLETELY) but I didn't know where else to appropriately post!

Is there somewhere?

There isn't anywhere, horsygirl, I was just having a rant!

My dd tried calling herself a pre-teen for a while. Stamped on that pdq, I can tell you!

dd1 is 11.6 SHe is allowed to walk the dog in the daylight but she is no allowed out in the dark. She walks to school by herself (about a 15 min walk away.) She is not allowed out of the house with out a charged up phone. She lets herself in on the two days I work (usually left for about an hour and a half.

We started giving her a bit more freedom in the summer just before she started year 7. She has been swimming, shopping in the town, and to the cinema but with lifts there and back. She is very sensible and trustworthy.
She goes to bed at half eight to read till 9 on school days and at 9 to read until 9.30 at the weekends. Doesn't always go to sleep straight away but I find tv after 9 often still not suitable and don't want her exposed.
She has a computer with a net nanny in her room but no tv.

My dd is 12(yr 7)

She is allowedout during day light with her friends as long as she has credit and charge on her phone. She's not allowed around town without an adult at least being there as well. Bit daft I suppose, but I just can't let go!

Defo not allowed out after dark, unless its her friend at the bottom of the road, but even then she talks to me on her phone all the way home and I stand in the street watching her come up it!

She goes to bed at 9pm every night. Weekends she's allowed to potter in her room, but not allowed back downstairs at all. Even yells if she wants a drink!

I hate this letting go business!

Oh and I will not have her suggesting that she is a teenager either Seeker!

My dd is 16 so was 12 fairly recently.
At that age she was allowed a fair bit of freedom. We moved house when she was 12 and she was allowed to get bus / train to visit friends from old school 25 miles away. Also allowed to do usual shopping / swimming thins with friends. I wasn't happy about her being out on her own after dark though - only time she was allowed out in the dark was coming home from school (on bus) and to visit friends very near by.
I was a bit surprised by the comment about young girls being continually harassed - I'm sure it can happen but I genuinely believe that dd never had a problem with this so I don't think it's by any means a given.

DD3 is 15 ,at 12 she went on the bus to and from School, was allowed to visit local friends( friends round the corner) and went to local shops by herself or with friends.
She was 13 when she was allowed into town wuth her friends. But she had to be in before dark.

i wouldnt let mine hand about on street corners ever.

i dont allow my 14 yo girl to walk home in the dark from school after choir practice or drama - i leave work early and pick her up

so i think daylight is the key with me

however sheis going to a party tonight. i would be naive if i think she isn;t going to drink but i know where she is as i am dropping her off, and she is being picked up and brought home. - so thats fairly liberal. but shes a good girl.

Just to add. DD2 aged 18 does not even walk two miles home in the dark. She either gets the bus or taxi with friends or DH picks her up.

My 2nd 12 yr old had more freedom than the 1st, not all 12 yr olds are created equal are they and you just learn as you go although I think it's common to be stricter with your eldest child and more relaxed with subsequent ones. You will always get those extreme cases of heavy parenting that make you question your own approach, and the out and out neglect/disinterest with children roaming about unsupervised late at night - it's been interesting for me to see how various of my eldest (now 17) daughter's friends have turned out. The ones at either extreme do seem to have more problems than the offspring of those of us who opted for anything between the two.

DS2 is 11.5, he goes back & fore to school alone,10 mins walk and its never dark as it finishes 3.15pm. he also walks to nearby friends houses but I do pick him up if it is dark. With a group of friends I allow him to walk to youth club in the evening, though since we changed the clocks I have been taking him myself. he is cross about that and says I never let him go anywhere!!!

I think it depends a lot on where you live & how mature your 12 yr old is too. Mine is very naive in some ways but also quite sensible & wouldn't take risks (well big ones!!) We live in a small village so I do let her & her sister go off together on their bikes around the area & to the park.With a phone & a plan of where they 'll be at certain times & strict instructions to check back at regular points. Only started doing this during this last summer as I do feel I have to loosen the apron strings a bit. Our rural location thankfully prohibits hanging around in gangs although I 'm sure they'll find their own cliques in time-around here they tend to go to each others houses. We're lucky to have a bit of space & are planning to turn our attic into a playroom/den for them so they can do the teenager thing without taking over the lounge but still be around IYSWIM

sigh it's a difficult balance isn't it?

My DD has just turned 13 and is in yr 8. TBH she doesn't have alot of freedom but then we do live on the outskirts of a city. She is allowed to stay at home for a couple of hours on her own or with her 10 yr old sister. If she wants to go to friends houses (about half a mile away) we usually drop her round there and pick her up, although if it's in the daytime she will walk and we meet her half way. She has other friends who live very close by, she goes to their houses on her own but she knows she must have her phone with her all the time- charged up and with credit on it.

She is always moaning that some girls in her year are allowed out to roam the streets in gangs and are often seen out after dark too. DD isn't allowed too as we don't think it is safe for her, and besides she is usually in bed (9pm) when they are still out and about.

dd is 12 and in first year of secondary.she gets the bus home 3.30 and walks a bout 1km from the bus home.if after school there is drama- which ends at 4.30 i tend to pick her up as it can be dark.Alternatively if i am working she goes to the local library until 5.30 and dh picks her up.so far she has been really good and has just done her homework- sometimes with friends-sometimes alone.
she is always in bed by 9.30 on a school night, but at weekends i don't mind letting her stay up to watch a movie.
socially she is allowed to
go to the cinema on her own with friends(we collect and drop off) or bowling or swimming or skating.
definitely no roming about.she also is allowed to go to the shop about a mile on her bike and back.
got her a phone fro xmas, so that she can phone us if delayed or missed the bus or needs collected
we are pretty rural- so she will need a lift for a while yet.