16yo daughter panic attack/shutdown- trauma or ASD?

[Meanderer]

My daughter occasionally experiences panic attacks when emotionally overwhelmed. Most common triggers seem to be arguments with her Dad (we are separated coparents), or upsetting scenes in a film, or suddenly being in a situation where she feels like she and those around her are unpredictable or out of control (like being suddenly sent home midday at the first Covid wave at her school). She runs to a dark cubbyhole and hyperventilates for a while, then just goes still. Then will get her phone out and text a friend or play a mindless game to self soothe. She usually won’t talk to me about it, during or after. Doesn’t want company or a comforting arm. I’m at a loss. Sometimes I feel we really should talk about the thing that triggered it, but she just flat out refuses to. She has a therapist (at her request) but seemingly barely speaks to him either and professes not to be sure whether it helps to see him. She doesn’t mention her panic attacks or occasional (very mild) self harm to him. I just want to understand whether it’s maybe a neurodivergent thing that means she’s generally hyperemotionally sensitive (which she is) or whether there’s specific trauma which could be sensitively worked on with specialist support. I feel so sad that she shuts me out like this and rejects any support, I hate thinking of her trying to find her way through this on her own (and of course it’s personally painful too) I just feel so helpless and useless. Can anyone relate at all and offer comfort or advice?

I have no useful advice but I have a daughter just like this. It's hard isn't it

Thank you- yes it is - we are fairly close, have a laugh and communicate pretty well, her friends are often surprised how much she tells me. So this on the one hand is out of character- on the other as a child her meltdowns were always done alone (albeit loudly then) behind a closed door too - she would rage if I talked to her or tried to get near her.

Hi
I understand the anguish here OP. I think most mothers would end up feeling like you do for exactly the same reasons.

But, hopefully to reassure you, it seems your DD has found a groove that works for her for the time being. When we go into fight/flight/freeze or fawn, regardless of whether we are neurodivergent or not, we do sometimes want to hide away & be on our own. Panic attacks are terrifying but they don’t harm us and she clearly has found her own way of dealing with these right now.

However, would it be helpful for her to speak more openly with her therapist? Probably! And it’s great that she has one to begin with yet it seems a shame to miss out on support he could provide by not talking with him openly/regularly. Ideally she should be able to access and receive proper therapy for the panic & SH (even mild SH). The triggers are important but her response is more important.

Could she improve her coping skills? Absolutely - but she would need to want to improve things for herself. And this is the rub because this is the part that a big question mark hangs over bc there is more she can do but does she want to? She probably just wants it all to go away in reality and to not have to deal with any of it.

Can you help? Yes. And I would perhaps begin by asking your daughter how comfortable she is with her therapist. Does he really “get” her? Ideally she should be valuing & benefitting from the support and it sounds dubious that this is the case.

If not, find new therapist who is relatable, specialises in anxiety and SH. Maybe someone with lived experience. Personally I find stories of people who have been through what I have, inspiring, reassuring, validating & helpful. So maybe curate some stories of ppl who have recovered for her to see that it’s possible.

Finally, we have to sometimes watch our young struggle a bit while they find their own way and that can be so hard. I’ve had it with my own too. Sometimes we need to watch as they hurt and wait for the invite instead of wading in and fixing things.

You will both find the way. I found asking cleverly worded questions useful.

Thank you so much for your kind reassurance ☺️
After reading this I went to kiss her goodnight (she had been awake late reading) and told her well done for knowing what she needed and doing it. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I do worry about her being so easily overwhelmed, and that she tends to ostrich over uncomfortable emotions rather than use them to guide her. But maybe that’s a bit of a teenager thing..
I think her therapist is actually quite good for her, in that he mostly ‘gets’ her pretty well, I think that’s part of it, she tries to maintain a carefully curated presentation to the outside world and thinks she can control how it sees her. He’s trying to give her the insight to let go of that, and so that challenges her. she’s definitely interested enough to want to keep going and I think she gets more from it than she lets on..
I guess we give it more time..