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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD back from uni and doing my head in

21 replies

bluechinavase · 21/12/2021 11:54

Just that really. I love her to bits but forgot how prickly she can be. She's had a great start and loving uni but now she's back home we are grating on each other. She gets mad if I remind her to do something and I'm not having her treat the place like a hotel. I get mad because I feel like I'm back treading on eggshells wondering what mood she'll be in depending which way the wind blows.

Folk were constantly asking if I missed her when she left and truthfully no, I was pleased for her, the place was quieter but tbh, life has been calmer with her out the house. She's delightful to everyone else but so fecking caustic back home. Have name changed but does anyone else feel the same when the students come home?

OP posts:

Serenschintte · 21/12/2021 11:59

Maybe you need to sit down together and establish some expectations - on both sides? Might help.

LynxGiftsetAndSocks · 21/12/2021 12:01

My DD was exactly the same

It gets easier though.

Thebathneedscleaned · 21/12/2021 12:01

She's an adult and used to doing what she pleases in her own space. Without her mum asking when she's going to be home every two minutes.

You're used to her being a child and doing what she's told.

There is a middle ground here.

Bettybantz · 21/12/2021 12:02

I have a 19 year old living with me and honestly, I’m looking forward to him moving out

Mojoj · 21/12/2021 12:07

It's really tricky to move from a parent child relationship to that of two adults. Maybe try sitting her down and explaining that you want to treat her like an adult but equally she needs to behave like one?

Catfox1 · 21/12/2021 12:08

I get on a lot better with my Mum over the phone than I do in person. No reason for it whatsoever. We used to drive each other mad when I came home from Uni too.

Change123today · 21/12/2021 12:14

Before uni my daughter was a fairly tidy person - room wasn’t to bad….I currently can’t see the floor in her bedroom for the mess. Grhhhh I’m picking my battles she will be gone again soon :)
God forbid i ask her to do something as I’m nagging. Due to the now apparent adult living in my house assumed she could feed herself. Not interested full of attitude when I asked if she staying for dinner one day, next day grumps on as I haven’t cooked her dinner. Can’t win
I love her to bits and she is a good one - but why she become a 13 year old Kevin at times no idea

Seeline · 21/12/2021 12:15

God yes. I've missed mine a lot - he went back to his second year house in August and not been home since. It's been peaceful and calm. He came home a few days early to get a piece of coursework done, and it was right back to GCSE days! Mucking about, wasting time, stopping everyone else from getting on with their stuff, waking every one up in the early hours because he was up working, and then moaning when everyone else disturbed him when they got in with their lives. Work is done now, but still on a completely different time zone to everyone else - keeps offering help, but he is in bed when it needs doing. Arggg. We've always had a personality clash. It doesn't get any easier. He is a lovely lad though 😁

TigerPurple · 21/12/2021 12:19

My DD was exactly the same. It's hard. They've learnt to enjoy freedom and do what they want. They feel like they have looked after themselves for 12 weeks so no longer need reminding of anything. But they're back in 'home mode' too.

But equally they don't think to put their laundry in the basket, until you remind them, when they are instantly annoyed you reminded them and they were of course 'just about to do it, god how do you think I survived at uni'.

Their emotions were also all over the place. Trying to catch up with home friends, boyfriends, keep up with uni friends.

It's a tough stage.

Original poster

bluechinavase · 21/12/2021 12:24

I think that's it @Catfox1- we get on better when we have limited face to face contact. We can have great times but her attitude pisses me off sometimes and she comes over as entitled. Her Xmas wish list was OTT and she was told so. Her pleases and thank yous have diminished and I'm fed up of being the one to remind her.

@Thebathneedscleaned I get that but I'm not asking her much at all. I reminded her that she hadn't done something that she was supposed to do over two weeks ago (that affects me financially) and got it in the neck for daring to remind her.

She has no softness about her. No 'Mum can you help with this please'. She just blasts in (or texts her request) and asks for something. And no she doesn't get it if she's acting like a spoiled little madam. We have never spoilt her. I know that her flatmates are very well off. They all seem really nice but I wonder if she's feeling she's shortchanged somehow. Had we gotten everything on the Xmas list it would have totalled over £1,000. There is no way we can afford that sort of expenditure and that she even thought to ask makes me sad that somehow she has no sense of reality when it comes to appearing in the least humble. She just laughs and said 'I thought I'd chance my luck'

OP posts:

Original poster

bluechinavase · 21/12/2021 12:27

@TigerPurple yes, that's it exactly. You've nailed it and made me laugh at the same time

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 21/12/2021 12:27

I hear you! Ds is home from Uni and making a bloody mess everywhere! He has taken over two bedrooms - using one as his living room, oh but still using our living room too. Oh and he’s ensconced in our office now doing Uni work despite having a laptop and commandeering two bedrooms!!
So basically every room in the house is becoming his
I find it very hard. And other parents often don’t get it and think I’m being horrible.

TheMoth · 21/12/2021 12:31

This was me. I found home v v claustrophobic. It was a small house and my parents went to bed at 11, so if I deigned to come home at all, I'd be like a caged animal. I'd also been relegated to the small bedroom.

One of the reasons we bought a bigger house, is because I remember the frustration of being a late teen!

ThoseFestiveLights · 21/12/2021 12:32

Oh yes, same here! Haven’t missed them AT ALL. Have enjoyed the reduction of housework immensely. And now it’s back….

whereshalligo · 21/12/2021 12:36

I agree with all the above posts. We are a much happier family when living apart. We keep in touch with funny WhatsApps and I've learnt not to ask too many questions. My son isn't home until Christmas Eve and will be going back to his house before new year. My rule this year is to stay calm, don't ask too many questions and get on with my own schedule.

fuckoffImcounting · 21/12/2021 12:41

Their brains are not yet fully developed. Ages 25-28 they improve immensely.

Vargas · 23/12/2021 17:26

I could have written your post OP, my 19yo ds is doing my head in. It was so lovely when he came home for a weekend in the middle of term, so I thought it would be like that but for longer at Christmas, but now he is driving us all mad. So moody! One minute chatty as anything, and then will spend a whole evening in a sulky silence for reasons which are unknown, then the next morning he is chatty again. DH is going round the bend, and my younger dd is wondering what the hell is going on.

@TigerPurple I completely agree. I get massive eye rolling and grumbling if I ask him to so much as put his mug in the dishwasher, never mind help with cooking or shopping. I've already twice had to remind him that he's not in a hotel, although if he'd like to pay me 100 quid a night then I might consider letting him get away with doing sod all...

Benjispruce5 · 24/12/2021 09:38

Yes op it’s tough. MyDD is a 3rd year now and it has improved. She used to be very untidy ALL the time but this holiday her (small) room is tidy almost if the time and because I showed genuinely surprise I was told off and that she’s not a child anymore. Y[grin She’s also at uni with some more well-off mates and it gets hard feeling like the poor relation because we don’t have a pool house or games room.
Learn to bite your lip, swallow your rants and keep busy. I am finding the older teen/uni stage the hardest of all the parenting stages. They need us but don’t want us. It’s the Nanny McPhee stage.

Benjispruce5 · 24/12/2021 09:47

@Seeline same here. DD comes alive at night and is tapping away on her laptop, making drinks after midnight etc. It must be hard to come home and live with parents after such independence. I don’t understand why they don’t stay in their student houses longer. A whole month’s rent for an empty house. I think DD would but her housemates go home so she’s be alone. A month is a looong time and because I work in school, I’m home too. I feel bad even writing this. Christmas guilt.

Perime · 24/12/2021 17:29

@fuckoffImcounting

Their brains are not yet fully developed. Ages 25-28 they improve immensely.

Thank God

Stiffcondomhat · 24/12/2021 17:34

Mine was the same. Feel for you. I made her go back to uni last January even when the goverment advised staying put. No way was I having her here for months again!

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