Ending a relationship when it's not safe

[twoblueskies]

Hi , I'm wanting advice on how involved you get with your Dd and their relationships

My DD aged 14 has just started dating but is quite immature . I told her first bf he wouldn't be going in her bedroom again after finding photos of them in bed . He was the same age but now I know had been sexually active since 11 .

Her next bf had been expelled from school for behaviour and carrying a knife so I refused to meet or talk with him and now they a only chat .

This new bf seems ok , goes to her school , although he's been grounded and told by his mum he can't see my DD after she gave him a love bite . My DD is also grounded . But they chat and are hoping to get to see each other again .

I'm completely out of my depth in how to behave . Do you meet them , do you end it if they seem to be doing stuff or do you just let it play out and hope it will end ?

Anyone ?!?!

What do you define as safe? Are you referring to the middle boyfriend? My DD is 14 and has her first boyfriend. I didn't ground her over a first love bite. When I saw they both had one I told them I didn't want to see anything like that again and if I did they would be seeing significantly less of each other. I haven't seen any more. They are never allowed in her room. It is very hard to walk the line between letting them grow up, but not too quickly isn't it? I'm also very aware that I want to be a safe and trusted person for my DC's to come to, so I'm trying very hard not to react to things in a negative way.

I would personally ask to meet the boyfriend and have him round for dinner. Get to know him before you judge him. 14 is still young and they are still learning. Also, depending on how well you get on with him, you may want to speak to his mum/family too, so you're all communicating with each other. Don't make him an enemy.
I think supporting your daughter to make the right choices and come to you is important - dont make her feel like she has to keep secrets from you and definitely don't 'ban' her from seeing him. Ime that never has ended well. Respect her privacy but give her all the information about healthy relationships, what they look like, red flags etc.
My DD (now 18) has had boyfriends from about 13 - some we liked, some we didn't like at all! DH had more issues with them than I did as I am probably the more relaxed one. Looking back I wish I had been more open and honest with her when I saw red flags (one didn't like her seeing her friends after school), instead I tended to just make a sharp comment or two which I think wound her up.

Oh and yes - he comes here nearly all the time. His parents have agreed to share the no bedroom rule, so she now occasionally goes there and they are also downstairs.

Thankyou for sharing all the advice .
I got to know the first boyfriend , invited him in , gave him lifts home from our house , asked his dad the first time he was coming to ours and asked let his dad know where they were but his dad only ever said yeh thanks . He only lived with his dad , no mum . His dad called my DD names because he saw love bites and I spoke to her about not doing it . I told him he couldn't see her again after I found out they had been stealing . He told her he had to steal because he was poor , she told me he never had money and walked everywhere . After breaking up I saw him say put that as a reason they couldn't work out because she wanted to date / cinemas etc but he couldn't do that .
Second bf I just I just said no , he used to walk her to school but didn't see him at other times .
New BF I haven't met at all , only been official 6 days but already in trouble with his parents because of bites .

I want to know who she is hanging round with but she is keeping this one away saying I'm too involved

She's 14 !

@Okki
I spoke to her after 1st love bites but she then put them all under his T-shirt . His dad went made at him and he left home for a short while . The love bites have now happened again ! That's why grounded . He says his mum has gone mad and is embarrassed about family seeing them at Xmas ! I don't know his family at all .

By not safe I mean concerns about sexual activity or family . Btw I liked the first bf when I got to know him but his dad and lifestyle v concerning ( men only lots of neighbours in , dad had conviction of violence so she didn't go round to his house )

It's hard. How did she feel about his family being embarrassed by love bites? Whether it's right or wrong, does she get that she's being judged for the love bites? And I know she's young and underage, but have you spoken to her about consent, contraception etc - on both sides. Do they go to the same school as it must be quite difficult to keep them apart if they do.

@Okki yes we've discussed why parents don't like love bites and how it reflects . She was called a slut by her first bf dad ( to him , not her , but she knows ) she says it's about commitment in her friend group . She doesn't seem to feel embarrassed she's more concerned that parents have an opinion and are involved . Yes this one is in the same school but I take her and pick her up , sometimes he walks her home before they were "committed "
Yes had conversations about stds , being underage , not legal , etc. she seems to think it's not a big deal and she can meet this bf parents and smile at them and all will be forgotten. We"ll see I suppose .

Consent ? Yes she said he wanted the love bites and she wanted to do it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Honestly she's a straight A student , doing well at school , part of a football team , trains and plays 3 times a week , has a paper round , is a guide . Great cook , helps at home and lovely to her sister but her choice of boys / behaviour with boys is something else

The stories my DD comes home with horrify me. They are just so casual when it comes to sexual activity - and there seem to be quite a few in her year group who are at it and have been since YR9. She's YR10 now. Peer pressure does play a huge part unfortunately. Do you think she's rebelling against you or does she listen even if she doesn't agree?

@Okki I agree peer influence .
She does listen to me but not agree . The first boy she dated was sexually experienced and she said he had a sneaky link , a girl he just hooked up with for sex , at 14 !

Apparently he gave her up for my DD but she said she wondered how long he would have stayed faithful to my DD while they weren't having sex so she was feeling some pressure , though not from him apparently.

She misses him a lot even though she is with another boy . But this boy isn't experienced and because he can't French kiss that's why she does love bites !

I broke the first relationship because although I really liked him the intensity and them always trying to be alone in a room was difficult . She asked me not to go in room without knocking as it was embarrassing if he had an erection . If I did he was often in top of her under blankets .
Is this what all teenagers are like . I'm not sure if I got it wrong !

I'm feeling massive guilt for my DD unhappiness

You need to explain to your DD that racking up boyfriend's as if in a competition is a dishonest way of conducting yourself.

You also need to explain to her that there are boys out there ( she seems to have got involved with a few of them) who use girls as a means of enhancing their standing among the other boys - boasting of girls they have hooked up with, age when first sexually active, having hickeys to show the world what they can get a girl to do to/ for them. Those love bites are a way of telling the world that he is a stud. She has been used.

You need a hard and fast rule - strictly no boys in her bedroom, ever, no closed doors in your house when the boyfriend is in the house, and no going to their bedrooms in their homes. You need to insist on meeting parents of any future boyfriends and be very open about this rule. You need to insist on having this talk about respect for your rules and your house with the boyfriends. Any disrespect for your rules and the BF is history. You need to make these boys understand that you are a very strict parent.

You need to protect your daughter because a lot of the boys dating at this young age are basically using the girls. They do not have the emotional maturity to value much more in a relationship than what it says about their manliness or what they think is their manliness at this age, and they want to signal to their peers and to the girls that they are powerful individuals. They do this by showing they can get girls and that girls will do anything they ask.

If your daughter isn't on the pill, then you need to get that sorted out. You need to have a detailed conversation with her about condoms. Ask if she has ever asked any of her boyfriends to use one. If not, why? If yes, what was the response? Ask how she might go about insisting on a condom, and various follow up scenarios if the boy says no. Ask what is talked about in sex ed class in school.

I would be very inclined to ask your daughter to hold off on boyfriends until she's at least 16. If she's very hostile to this idea, ask her why she values having a boyfriend.

You seem to have posted a lot about your DD and her boyfriends. Only suggestion I can make is less involvement and generally being more Mum, less friend as a way forward.

Sorry, half my post didn't post. If I'd asked my mother to knock before coming into my room as my boyfriend might have an erection and it would be embarrassing, I'd still be grounded (and I'm nearly 60)

It is OK to have boundaries and OK to let 14 year olds know what they are. I get the feeling that you are so concerned about her "happiness" that they have become out of kilter and in the long run it will do her (and you) no favours. She is engaging in things that are not appropriate to her age and you should protect her until she has the life skills to protect herself. She will not learn them by foundering around on her own.

Thankyou @mathanxiety and @CPL593H for your detailed reply .
This is all v new to me , complicated by discovering she is self harming before boys on the scene and a mental health worker suggesting we were being too controlling causing her cutting .

She is currently waiting for counselling which should begin in January . Her behaviour and boys has been like a bomb in our home. Sudden .

A lot of your suggestions are what we have already done . As far as she has told me she hasnt had sex . We've always been close and open with discussions and she will tell me things very openly . She has a lot of anxiety about relationships with boys I feel due to an assault when she was 8 . And I feel dragged into her confusion so I thankyou both for your replies . It's like she wants a sexual relationship to reframe the experience she had of being overpowered , where she feels she is in control . But in reality she is giving her control away . I'm hoping the counselling will help her in her decision making and choices .

Following your update, it strikes me that her transient relationships with boys are another form of self harm perhaps(although she would never, ever accept that, I don't think) Listening to her but at the same time putting some ground rules in such as monitoring her phone, no boys in her room is a start. I know it isn't a guarantee she won't get up to stuff elsewhere, but home is her safe and stable place. It should not be a permitted base for sexual exploration (exploitation) when she is 14. IMHO.

I hope the counselling helps @twoblueskies, really.

Thank you @CPL593H
I control her phone screen time and have full access to it reading it every night sometimes which is why I know so much . She doesn't like this and calls it controlling . She had 1 day where bf was allowed in her room but photos showed they broke my rules so that's when I told the bf I knew and it wouldn't happen again and he ghosted her only to reappear and tell her he still loved her but couldn't be with her anymore .

I hadn't thought about the repeating bf being another expression of self harm .

Yes I'm hoping the counselling will give her time to talk things through too

@twoblueskies it is clearer from your updates that you are really trying and I'm sorry if my first response came over as a bit harsh.

Being kind of old, I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that young people have expectations of freedom at 14 that we wouldn't have had until at least 16 (we may have wanted them, but we knew it wasn't going to happen) I don't think 14 year olds are emotionally mature enough for serial "relationships" with a sexual component and all the talk of "love" after sometimes a few days. It confuses. It confuses 40 year olds, so kids are going to struggle and this is where parents are needed to call a halt to what they can. The problems are amplified when there has been adverse experience like your daughter had. The counselling can only be a positive thing and I'm glad it's coming.

You have a good starting point in her confiding in you (even though every cell of your being may be screaming "STOP!" ) Listen and be the "bad guy" as needed, because in reality you are standing between her and stuff she is clearly really struggling with. Hope this makes sense.

Thankyou @CPL593H . I think your reply was valid . Im old to at 54 ! And I find it v difficult that the word love is used after a few days and is used with multiple boys . Although I know she is only referring to one boy as a bf now . So that's progress.

Yesterday she went out with a girlfriend. Something she has refused to do for months . She lost her friends because first bf insulted them so isolating her while they were together . She is just getting back in with friends .

Me and her dad are both firm and clear about what we expect and what is not ok . The photo of the boy in the bed was the last straw and that's why I told him to accept our rules or not see her again . Amazingly last night she said that as he chose not to see her again he was probably only waiting to take her virginity before leaving her anyway . I said yes probably and the fact that at 14 relationships don't last long anyway . It's a hard painful lesson . I'm learning along the way too .

Getting involved with boyfriends at this age isn't going to make your daughter happy. Your ability and willingness to stop boys from using her may cause tears in the short term but will be appreciated later on.

I would try really hard if I were you to get to the bottom of her desire to have a boyfriend. What is so valuable about a BF in her school or social circle? Is it a signifier of coolness? Attractiveness/ value as a female? Lots of attention given to girls experiencing dramatic ups and downs on relationships with boys?

Ignore the terrible advice from the support worker ( or whoever it was) about being 'controlling'. You absolutely need to have access to your daughters phone. You also need to keep starting conversations about her relationships, and do a lot of listening.

Hope therapy will be positive for her. Tell her she doesn't have to stick with a therapist she doesn't feel she has a rapport with.

Has she ever been to a rape crisis centre? I would bet the farm that her self harming is due to her experience at age 8. Counseling specifically related to that would be very useful.

She won't cope with that incident by engaging in relationships where the partners are basically predators. That's like walking around with a Kick Me sign on her derriere.

@mathanxiety . Thankyou good questions .
The assault contained words practice on , not attractive , ugly . I definitely think she wants to have a boyfriend for validation of her being attractive and be part of a friendship group.
It's hard to watch and I cry daily about her ,

I've been advised only one form of counselling so she's being seen by by first available and on the editing list for rape specific counselling as I do see her behaviour ad being linked to trauma