Challenging behaviour has started … at 18

[SarahWoodWould]

He was always such an easy kid. Such great company and fun. Found school easy - never had to push himself but did well. Always always on the go - but I put that down to being a boy as he was my firstborn. Very very sporty and active.

Got good GCSEs in 2020 but has never sat an exam due to covid.

Cruised through Y12 lockdowns - didn’t do much lockdown learning but as a family we were healthy, together and happy, and that seemed priority at the time.

Fast forward to now.

Y13 and failing everything. Just too far behind. I’ve emailed school but “he’s 18, he has to work it out for himself”… But he is far too busy going to pubs, clubs, playing sport, p/t job, seeing girlfriend. He is never at home.

Friends are all applying for Uni and apprenticeships but he can barely get out of bed in the morning. His room is an absolute tip. He grunts rather than speaks. I feel like I’ve lost my gorgeous son.

I feel so sad and frustrated and out of my depth.

I think he is anxious. He realises that he has to enter into the real world soon - university, possibly a part time job, living alone etc and he is finding it difficult to cope. He is trying to distract by being careless, and avoid thinking about it as long as he can.
May be if you tell him that you understand how he is feeling then he might be more open. Or you can just praise him for whatever positive you see and it might give him confidence. Can he talk to a career counselor? At least that way he can talk about his fears in a constructive manner.
Also, is his girlfriend interested in university? If she is not then may be the thought of leaving her behind could be causing indecisiveness.
Encouragement rather than criticism might work. Sometimes you just have to let them fail before they come to their senses. I believe he might be having mocks soon, that could be quite a motivator to kick start learning process.

If it helps, this isn't just your son. Mine was the same. He's driven and wants to earn but his attitude changed at 18. Hold on and let's hope it gets better. I'm sure it will.

Thanks for the replies.

I truly hope it does get better soon.

What does he want to do if he doesn't do his A levels and go to university? Is there something else that interests him?

My dd is also in year 13 and they really have had a rough time. From what my dd tells me, at the moment there are a fair few students at her college who are in the same position as your ds as really during lockdown there was nobody at all making sure they were doing the online learning. It was up to them in a 'take it or leave it' way. So some of them haven't done entire units and it's the mocks in two weeks. The results of which could unfortunately be crucial of the exams are cancelled again! And on top of that they have never done an exam!

It really would seem to be an insurmountable task to do an exam on Othello in two weeks if you hadn't been to the online lessons.

I think I would start looking for other options for him. Or with him. It seems like a waste of his time to try and keep him at college if they are saying it's not working. An apprenticeship would be the most obvious/easiest option.

I'd be making it very clear that he's not going to be doing nothing.

Could he have started using any type of drugs. Teacher friends tell me its a huge issue with change of motivation, personality etc.

I've found that our son still needs quite a lot of guidance and 'telling'. I don't know whether it's just his personality, very possibly, or the lockdown that has taken away those usual experiences of exams, summer jobs and socialising.

We're lucky that he hasnt gone off the rails but if left to his own devices he would have got very little done. We did sit him done and he admitted he's a procrastinator and needed help in structuring his long term goals.

He's now recently passed his driving test, sent his UCAS application off and socialising much more in line with an 18 yr old.

The more he's doing, the more he is motivated by the outcomes they bring.

It is hard and actually we seem to spend more time guiding him more than either of our younger children but I'm sure their time will come! Good luck!

I’m in a similar boat with my son. It’s so difficult. I don’t know how motivated I’d have been had the pandemic hit in the early 1990s when I was that age, in fairness.

All we can do is offer emotional and practical support and hope for the best.