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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Seriously, practically what can I do?

28 replies

Comingup · 18/12/2021 13:04

Another huge meltdown by 17 year old. Threatening to trash my home, slamming, throwing, calling all names. This is over something trivial that I am unable to do for him as I have a severe back injury at the minute. He tells me his anger is " here to stay" and he has not " hit me so what is the issue?" He can behave any way he chooses and I am trying to be a feminist, psychologist, counsellor but don't bother as I know f##ck all and make things difficult and try to guilt trip him. He has opened up bottle of alcohol and is merrily drinking it.

I am sat here sobbing. I have nobody. I have tried for years. I honestly don't want to be here.

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 18/12/2021 13:08

Oh OP it is so hard with teens. I promise you are not alone in this. Loads of people have the same issue. Its not your fault. You can't control a teenager, you can only control your own response and try to set an example of how a mature person should behave.

Teenager aside, are you getting help for your back injury? If you are in pain and tired it makes everything else a thousand times harder.

sadpapercourtesan · 18/12/2021 13:11

You poor thing, how utterly foul he's being Flowers

I have a 17yo boy so I understand entirely why you might not want to do this, but - if mine was behaving the way yours is, I would tell him he had one week to either 1) shape up and apologise, or 2) get out. If he continued to be violent and threatening and refused to leave, I would call the police.

You're physically injured and unable to stand up to an aggressive adult-sized male. He's damaging your property, drinking during the day, verbally abusing you and terrifying you in your own home. You can't go on like this.

IsolaPribby · 18/12/2021 13:16

He needs help to manage and moderate his behaviour, and the only way you can do that is to give him the sort of boundaries and ultimatum that @sadpapercourtesan has outlined.
Is his father on the scene or able to help?

Akire · 18/12/2021 13:20

You could report him to police as a last resort but that would take a lot of guts and back bone. There is line between teenagers having a strop and you genuinely being frighted for your welfare and not being safe. Only you will know which side of that it is. Would police having a word have any effect on his actions do you think? You do have options even if it’s temp foster care because you can’t cope with him. Is he doing well in school and life in general?

GroggyLegs · 18/12/2021 13:21

You're physically injured and unable to stand up to an aggressive adult-sized male. He's damaging your property, drinking during the day, verbally abusing you and terrifying you in your own home. You can't go on like this.

Absolutely, this is an intolerable situation for you and completely unacceptable behaviour from him. Putting it bluntly, it's domestic abuse.

Is there any other adult who has influence over him? Dad? Sports coach?
I wonder if Women's Aid be able to advise, they must have had experiences with other women in your position.

Flowers
Bumpsadaisie · 18/12/2021 13:23

You need another adult to triangulate this situation.

You and he stuck too close together.

Could be his dad or some other trusted adult.

TheChristmasElephant · 18/12/2021 13:25

This sounds a lot like how my sister was at that age whenever my mum refused to give her money to fund her weed habit, very toxic. Do you have family elsewhere that could have him stay for a while? My mum sent sister to live with her dad a few hundred miles away, she’s now off weed, got a job and an extremely pleasant young lady. I’m sorry you’re going through this xx

Original poster
Comingup · 18/12/2021 13:32

No he has refused point blank to engage with anyone as he does not see any issue whatsoever with his behaviour. It is someone else's fault each and every time No matter what, whether it's at college , home anywhere.

No dad unfortunately.

I asked him if this is what he as a partner,father husband would want to behave like. He just said it is totally fine to be angry, it's my problem if I'm upset by it, or anyone else's. Not his concern.

I'm really afraid. He seems to have no empathy , no feelings, no remorse.

As soon as he is not able to have what he demands, he begins threats. I did stand up to him before but he took my work laptop. I honestly think there is something seriously wrong, personality disorder , this is not normal is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comingup · 18/12/2021 13:36

To answer some more. No there's nobody he can stay with.
College he runs rings around them, refusing to do whatever he doesn't want to do, they send emails. He is on behaviour warnings constantly. I have asked them for help but nothing.
He has a part time job which appears to fund his weed smoking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comingup · 18/12/2021 13:39

Plus he totally fabricates events. For example he pulled the door into me when I tried to stop him leaving which bruised my arm. He still shouts about " how he gently opened the door" and I made up this story. Same with other things..

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 18/12/2021 13:45

Call the police

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 13:47

I’m really sorry.

How close to 18 is he?

ICantChoose · 18/12/2021 13:48

Honestly call the police. Similar situation with my brother. Parents didn't get any help for him and refused to deal with his behaviour until it became serious and he's now in prison. Wish they'd done something sooner.

Justkeepon · 18/12/2021 13:52

If he breaks anything in your home you need to call the police. Actions have consequences and he is no exception. This won't end until you take control. Easier said than done but it has to be done OP. No one should feel threatened or afraid in their own home. Ring the police every single time he trashes your home or smokes weed in your home and have him removed. Have you any other kids at home. I hope you have some support Flowers

Wolfcub · 18/12/2021 13:52

You have my sympathy op, apart from the weed and the drink this is my 15 year old all over and he's been that way from being about 11. You could try a self referral to social services/camhs. We've had some talking therapy for ds which helps for a bit until it spirals again- including one social worker telling him he was a domestic abuser which shocked him as he was a bit like your son and everything was my problem or "he just pushed me accidentally". But your son would have to be willing to engage with them. I agree with others if you are scared and there is no other adult he respects and will listen to then you may need to call the police

DoucheCanoe · 18/12/2021 13:52

I have a 15yo Autistic DS who struggles to regulate his emotions and anger is a particularly scary one.

It doesn't matter who he is. Call the police.

You need support and he needs help.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 18/12/2021 13:57

I would call the Police.
It sounds like he does need some help but CAHMS takes time and depending where in the country you are it seems hit and miss.
Protect yourself by reporting him Op.

bucketsoflove · 18/12/2021 14:57

You're being abused in your home by someone who has issues with anger, alcohol and drugs.

You should not tolerate this from anyone.

Your son needs help and he is old enough to be responsible for that himself. If he won't accept that he needs help then you have no choice but to call the police for your own safety.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Chrispackhamspoodle · 18/12/2021 15:02

Op a self referral to social services as mentioned upthread may get you some local intensive support.You sound threatened in your own home.

CheddarGorgeous · 18/12/2021 15:04

Self referral to social services and the police. I'm so sorry OP.

WaltzingBetty · 18/12/2021 15:10

Take photos of your injuries, and his weed smoking.
Call the police

FrownedUpon · 18/12/2021 15:34

I would contact social care & see if they can offer any support. Then the police.

GrandmasCat · 18/12/2021 15:38

Call the police, tell your GP/doctor on the next check. He is abusing you, you are not safe.

DismantledKing · 18/12/2021 15:42

Christ, how awful. He’s abusing you; I’d also involve the police.

GrandmasCat · 18/12/2021 15:53

I wonder if Women’sAid could help on such situation. You are a victim of abuse perpetrated by someone you live with. I wonder if they could give you any pointers about what to do.