DD does whatever she wants

[Cocopogo]

DD is 13 she does whatever she wants. She goes in my room and her siblings room and takes whatever she wants. Consequences don’t seem to bother her at all. She doesn’t have a phone as she broke it having a tantrum. She stomps and slams and shouting vile things. Then she wakes up the next day like nothing has happened, we chat, she’s sorry etc and then a bit later she kicks off again.
She behaves much better in school so she can control is but there is a definite decline.
How do I put boundaries in? She took her siblings Xmas present and ate it and then kicked off when I challenged her on it.

God, sorry, I saw there were no responses and just wanted to say this sounds so hard, I hope someone can come along to help, I don’t have any clear suggestions what to say where the child doesn’t care about consequences. We are struggling with our own 13-year-old but there’s just her so no siblings to impact on, she isn’t really defiant, just withdrawn sad and sometimes seems to want to bait us, talking about stuff that will upset us.

Umm, does she have a chance to earn or acquire her own stuff, does she have pocket money to get treats or could earn some with chores, could you do a little shopping trip together with a budget if she can eg do the kitchen and bathroom, does she have some responsibilities that she could get praise for even if it’s not done perfectly. I really feel sorry for you as it sounds very hard but you sound in a very negative cycle where she is in trouble a lot and it might be nice to have a reset, sorry you have probably tried all this, it’s easy to give advice and hard for us when we are living in this tense and stressful situation.

Very best of luck.

Yes I would definitely put consequences in @Cocopogo but I'd also put a lock on my bedroom door.

@Mediumred thank you so much for your message, it came at the right time as she’s currently ‘on one’.

She has a party tonight to go to and I told her she isn’t going unless she tidies her room, she’s refusing to, kicked off royally. I told her to go to her room and she stood there refusing to move. I told her if she didn’t move I’d move her to which she replied put your hands on me and I’ll slap you. Not my proudest moment but I responded by running towards her and yelling try it lady and see what happens. She stomped off to her room, throwing and banging stuff and yelling vile things.
Her saving grace was she behaves, not greatly but much better at school, however that has been tested this week as she was sent to isolation room for running her mouth off at teacher so I think things are deteriorating fast.

@PanicBuyingSprouts I feel like putting locks everywhere but it feels like it’s not teaching her to control herself, then again nothing else seems to be working.

Lock on your bedroom.. I have.
I hope she now is doing her own laundry? My dd's phones are being removed tomorrow if their room isn't done. Stopped doing their washing (except uniform) last year due to piles of clean stuff mixed in with dirty...

It sounds really hard and actually quite frightening plus if you think things are deteriorating at school then that is worrying.

It does all sound quite negative though, I know this is what a lot of people say but you really do have to ‘pick your battles’, the nicking stuff is bad but a messy room is pretty par for the course with teens so I would try to avoid huge fights about it, can you go in and see her later with a cuppa and even if she’s just made some effort then let her go to the party, there has to be some carrot as well as stick. And tell her you love her and she’s a great girl and you don’t want to be at war all the time. I’m sure she doesn’t want constant conflict either so maybe you can come up with some ground rules together, no 1 leaving other people’s stuff alone.

Good luck, it is hard.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage no I do all the washing and yes all clean and dirty get mixed up on bedroom floor. I could leave her to do it but I honestly don’t think she cares if she puts on dirty stuff.