WWYD? If your DS16 caused issues all year, how do you still have a great Christmas?

[capslokid]

DS16 has always been someone that thinks the rules don't apply despite the consequences. This last year to 18 months have really brought everything to a head.

We made the decision to remove all his internet access as he was talking online to randoms all over the world online, swearing and being disrespectful to anyone in the house. We're tech savvy and he's well aware of the dangers but thinks he knows best. He now only has internet access for college access.

This has also meant that all his tech devices have also gone as he would find anyway possible to use them to get back online :(

There's so much more he's done and part of me thinks why should I bother for Christmas but it breaks my heart that Birthdays & Christmas can't be special because he's always done something...

Soooo, what do you get a 16yr son for Christmas that isn't tech but will still feel special?

It's really important with teens that you try to separate out the awful from the good. You need to build on those good moments no matter how brief & small. You know they are still annoying gits but you maintain positive emotional contact whenever you can.

It sounds like you have already restricted & punished him loads. Do you think all that is achieving what you want it to achieve?

How close is he to 17?

Grit your teeth, give him a fantastic Christmas and put aside everything he’s done.
He’ll be leaving home soon. Do you want him to want to return? What do you want his last memories of his childhood to be?

I may be missing the point but what is the issue talking to randoms online? Unless it was sexual images or other illicit stuff?

I have a troubled child too. It's hard when you start to feel you actually don't like them very much. But I've learned over the years that this exacerbates the problem. I try to:

-ignore what I can't change
-focus on the good
-stand my ground on a few areas that are important to me
-model the behaviour I want to see (no shouting or sulking!)
-build a relationship where we can discuss things without anger
-focus on the good in your child, separate the behaviour from the person
-a mixture of treating them like a toddler with praise and distraction and respect towards an almost adult person

Sorry if this sounds at all patronising - have been in the position of calling the police for aggressive behavior so we have really been through the woods with this!
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He turned 16 four months ago and I completely agree with separating the good from the bad which is why I still want him (& his sister) to have a great Christmas.

With regards to the restrictions - we have tried and tried and tried so many times to give him things back and taking diff. approaches. Each time he's promised to stick to whatever has been agreed (he's been part of making the agreement) and every time, within a week or two he's gone back on it.

We've had the same question as yours from the school/college etc and once we've explained everything he's done, everything we've tried they've all agreed with the approach we've taken.

Anyhooo :) - I want to make sure Christmas is special for my kids, no matter their age. I just wondered if anyone had any ideas of non- techy gifts that still have that Wow factor!

@Coronawireless - Yes I want him to always feel like this will be his home and I want him to have great memories.

@Twillow - Not patronising at all thank you :) Yes it was a safeguarding decision

My DS 16 is constantly online so no idea how he's getting 7-9 in all his GCSEs

I have absolutely no idea who he chats to other than his friends online or how I'd even find out.

He can be a bit very difficult at times but I tend to just work around it as other times we have a great time esp during movie nights when it's just us watching randomly weird films no one else wants to watch. He shows a different side then and opens up about all sorts of things where we're relaxed and laughing and I'm not nagging or giving my unsolicited advice.

I'd never take his WiFi access away because it's their kind of access to the world

I think its sounds really hard for 16 yr to be without devices and online. it's how all their peers interact.

I mean when you say randoms around the world whats the context? are they through the games he plays? are they linked to an interest? because that's pretty normal.

at this age a lot of the time the more you clamp down the harder they push back. and what little you have said it looks to an outsider that you are trapped in a vicious circle of discipline and rebelling.

not knowing the circumstances, I'd say you need to ease up a little, and talk more with him(not talk at)

@NewYearNewTwatName
OP says it was a safeguarding issue so easing up a little wouldn't be advisable.

I completely agree, if it was through gaming and having fun then great I'm all for it. They can learn so much by interacting with other people in the right way and using the online apps responsibly - that being the key here.

However, this was through Discord - An app where open chat rooms can be set up so that anyone can join, share pictures and you have no way of knowing who these people are and some of the stories and thoughts shared are truly frightening. Used responsibly Discord is a fantastic tool but equally it's so open to abuse.

I see that you're mainly looking for gift ideas and not advice. What about something retro for gaming that doesn't require the internet to work? An old GameCube or MegaDrive or that kind of thing. One of my brothers still loved Lego at 16, the other was into clothes, films, skateboarding, cycling and sport. Does your DS have any interests?

I'd be asking myself why he has the need to join this Discord site in the first place

Mine are a bit younger and they both loved small plane and helicopter rides we took in the summer, you can get experience vouchers or we did them to Isles of Scilly if you are near there depending on what budget is.

It is mainly tech otherwise though my DS is ASD so he loves animal themed things too like feed the penguins.

A lego set to build with his dad never too old for lego.
Some old fashioned board games
Monopoly clued
Sports gear or some hobby they like other than gadgets.
I have 18 16 13 year old.
They also like a box made up of treats they like.
A holiday for the 4 of you to make memories

@unbeatenmum @silkieschickens - Thank you both x I had thought Star Wars Lego set as he likes Lego and they'd be a collectible too. Skateboarding is another thing he's mentioned but not sure how committed he'd be so I'll hold onto that as a second option. I'd also thought about an adventure place we can all do together next year maybe a trips to Wales or the lakes. I'm trying so hard to find something that will bring us together again so he'll be honest with me when we talk. I don't expect him to tell me everything, I certainly didn't share everything at that age but building a bit of trust again would be wonderful.

@Justlikea - Discord was originally set up for gamers and has been adopted as a general chat app more recently. He used it originally for gaming. Definitely an app parents should be aware of.

Unless there's some back story you're not telling us, I think you're being wildly overprotective. It is normal to talk to strangers online - like I am doing right now! At 16, just two years of compete independence, the focus should be on learning how to do that safely: blocking abusive people, choosing supportive online spaces, being sensible about personal information, and ensuring a good balance with "real life" activities. Plenty of good people use discord, so banning him from the whole internet for just using that program seems very odd to me.

@Andi2020 - Thank you!

@MMMarmite - yes there is a back story. I didn't want to go into all the details here as I'm after advice on non-techy gifts and don't want to come across as completely slating my son. We're very reasonable tech savvy people and he is more than aware of the dangers and how to behave responsibly on the internet, as I explained in a previous post. Him sticking to it though is a completely different thing.

I’ve just bought a fishing magnet set from Amazon , how about something g like that?

How about an experience? Virgin do things like driving a sports car or a flying lesson.

Remote control car or helicopter or something like that?

I was going to say a driving experience too

@statetrooperstacey

I’ve just bought a fishing magnet set from Amazon , how about something g like that?

Op's child is 16 ☺️☺️

@spotcheck you might want to look at Neodymium fishing magnets!

I think I would buy something like a red letter day. Sky-diving or F1 experience. Something adrenaline inducing.

How about an escape room? We have 4 children (17 down to 11) and it's hard to find things to do as a family they will all enjoy, but we've done several of these together and they are really good for family bonding time.

Or Young Driver vouchers have gone down well here - it's a great way to get them behind the wheel before formal driving lessons can start.

@tickingthebox73
I'll bow my head gracefully and acknowledge my error...
I interpreted it as ...