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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14yr old DS kicked me.

24 replies

bounce89 · 08/12/2021 21:19

For days now he's been in a huff. He told me that he wants to break me and wants me not to care. I have other children that are seeing this and now for four days they've had to watch him shouting and screaming before school, when they get home from school and when they're going to bed.. tonight he hit a new low, I told him I wouldn't give him his phone back until he stopped acting like this, he put his hands one the chair and the kitchen side and literally fly kicked me with full force three times.

What am I meant to do with this? I know behaviour is meant to be communication but I have sat down and spoken to him, I've accessed counselling for him, I just ignore the nastiness and act as though nothings wrong but he follows me around constantly carrying it on and on.

After he kicked me tonight I just had to leave and then he started giving my partner grief instead.

Any advice welcome please as I can't put my other children through this anymore!

OP posts:

Winter2019 · 08/12/2021 21:23

Wow... how did it even get to that? What was it like when he was younger? I'm sorry you are going through this. He needs some serious help. Your other kids must be terrified.

Hellocatshome · 08/12/2021 21:26

Where has all this come from? What is happening in his life to make him so angry? Does he drink? Take drugs? Go out for hours on end? This is not normal behaviour and if it were me I would probably call the police

RodneyIsDave · 08/12/2021 21:32

Sounds like there’s definitely something happening that he’s unable/unwilling to talk about it.
Pick your battles.. if he wants a row in the morning is it worth the stress/disruption?

Keep his boundaries in place, bed time, gaming etc .

I didn’t punish the outbursts when DS was in year 7 I soon found out he was being bullied. Just kept the routine he knew and trusted . He’d kick off that gaming stopped at 9 but hey ho

gettingfedupagain · 08/12/2021 21:34

You need to call the police. You don't have to press charges but he needs the boundary and it could help him to access support

Original poster

bounce89 · 08/12/2021 21:37

He went through a stage similar to this when he was about 10 but my Dm had just died and me and xh had just split due to abuse and we worked through it and by the time he started high school he had calmed right down again.
Nothings changed recently, we spoke about how he feels he might be gay and I've supported him but this seems to have crept up again, it started off with him getting like this maybe once or twice a week but this week it's been everyday so far.

My children are scared, my 10ds witnessed domestic violence between his dad and girlfriend and is still suffering from that trauma, I really try to have a relaxed, safe home for the children but recently it's anything but safe!

No drugs (that I'm aware of) he came straight home from school tonight so no chance he's had anything unless while at school. I have noticed blood shot eyes but I'm not sure if that's anger based?

He is a very emotional, sensitive person but he's never acted like he hates me this much before.
I did say if he didn't step away I would call the police but then I left the house to diffuse the situation as it seems it's only me that he's after.

OP posts:

Original poster

bounce89 · 08/12/2021 21:39

@RodneyIsDave
I've tried keeping boundaries but he just laughs at me and refuses to go to bed and carries on following me around hurling abuse at me. He's still up now, he's bigger and stronger than me and he knows it.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 08/12/2021 21:41

I’d call the police now

AnotherMansCause · 08/12/2021 21:42

I would call the police. If he thinks there will be no consequences he will do it again. Probably to you, almost certainly to someone else, at some point. You will be doing him no favours if you "let him off".

BingeOnChocolate · 08/12/2021 21:43

From what you've said, in the way he positioned himself beforehand, he knew he was going to fly kick you. You shouldn't be forced to leave your home by a child. What if you stop retaliating to him to keep the peace when he's on one and then he turns his attention to your other children? Call the police. He needs support and to be honest, he needs a kick back to know this isn't acceptable. The police speaking to him might make reality hit and if not, they will refer to third party agencies that might help you and your other child stay safe from his future outbursts.

ThreeWiseBuddhas · 08/12/2021 21:44

Call the police don't threaten it.
Don't say anything to him just do it.
It'll scare the shit out if him to see that you're taking control of the situation

LesLavandes · 08/12/2021 21:45

Is your partner in house?

One more threat or abusive behaviour and please call police

nimbuscloud · 08/12/2021 21:46

Your other children are terrified
You need to prioritise them

Original poster

bounce89 · 08/12/2021 21:53

@BingeOnChocolate I agree with you that he knew he was going to do it. Once in anger would be a slip but three times is to cause intention damage. I will ring the police and ask for their advice.
He is honestly normally the most loving, kind boy ever but I feel like I don't know him anymore and I really have no idea how to make the situation better.
My partner is here, we have 6 other children living here. None of which should be living in this environment at all. I will also be going to school tomorrow to ask what support they can offer us, thing is he's amazing at school so not sure they believe how bad it is at home.

OP posts:

AliceMcK · 08/12/2021 21:54

He’s assaulted you, call the police. You can not have him in the house with your other scared children. He will continue to abuse and assault you if he is not held accountable for his actions. At 14 he knows right from wrong, he is not a little child anymore.

What did your partner do when the abuse was focused on him?

Original poster

bounce89 · 08/12/2021 22:07

@AliceMcK
He tried to talk him round, he asked what his aim was with his behaviour and what he was hoping to achieve acting like this, he literally said that he wants us all to stop caring about him and to leave him alone.
He then left him in the kitchen and ignored anything that was said out of nastiness.

We're not strict parents by any means but have firm boundaries and he knows the consequences if he pushes too far.
It's the No! That's getting me. He knows that I can't force him to do anything and that's why he's doing it.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 08/12/2021 22:15

Has he ever had therapy or counselling? If he witnessed domestic violence as a young child it must have had a huge impact on him

Original poster

bounce89 · 08/12/2021 22:25

Yes he has had counselling previously and the youth team used to visit and that helped.
We've always been close, he's always been protective and caring towards me. I can't understand what I've done wrong that's made him change like this.

OP posts:

Herewearestar · 08/12/2021 22:25

I think the biggest issue is the fact he witnessed domestic violence as a child. He is now repeating those behaviours.

Has he ever witnessed any violence towards you?

When I was studying criminology, they stated the biggest predictor of violent behaviour was witnessing it in the home. It was also taught that children who witnessed domestic abuse are most likely to repeat it regardless of how terrible or painful they found it or even if they hated the perpetrator.

I’d strongly advise therapy for your son to deal with the domestic violence repetition as it is deeply troubling he is repeating the violent behaviour, he has seen.
Good luck OP.

nimbuscloud · 08/12/2021 22:46

He probably needs ongoing help
At 14 he must see it differently than when he was younger
Your poor 10 year old as well

PieMistee · 08/12/2021 22:50

As PP said it will be the previous domestic violence that will be learnt behaviour. 14 is a shit age for boys as they are all over the place even my very mellow, kind 14 year old is being a real shit.
I would try and take him away on his own and talk very openly about his dad, the violence, how sorry you are he experienced that but how that you know he is different but needs to learn to control his temper.

PieMistee · 08/12/2021 22:51

Don't make him into us against them as this will prolong and get a lot worse.

Porcupineintherough · 10/12/2021 22:00

Sounds like he's had a lot to deal with over the past few years. He needs help.

Original poster

bounce89 · 10/12/2021 22:28

I have spoken to school and a referral for early intervention is now through and youth support. I have also put a referral through for emotional well-being service with the hopes of one of them not having a massive waiting list.
He came home from school yesterday, apologised and had a long chat about everything.
I'm not saying the issues over, as I'm sure it won't be but I'm more confident knowing that we have the schools support and that referrals have been made.

I can tell that he's trying, he cleaned the kitchen tonight (even though it wasn't his turn!) and helped me make tea and even joined in with the other kids laughing and joking at tea time.

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wishmyhousetidy · 18/12/2021 16:43

so sorry to hear this. We have been in si ilia remember situation with our teen. came out of nowhere and has been horrendous, being frightened in your own home and walking on eggshells. Things are a lot better at the moment but we did find there was underlying reason for the behaviour, Our teen had been sexually assaulted and we had no idea just thought we were seeing extreme defiance/ violence at every rule.
Only advice I can give is get all help you can- speak to pastoral care at school, and we have also got a great social worker.

I never anticipated we would ever need these services but things go on in their life which with the best will in the world you are not privy to and often violent behaviour is them trying to communicate something to you. That said we have also had police involvement as in the world they have to learn to communicate differently. They can feel upset and angry but cannot express it in violence. Hope things get better for you.

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