HELP! My DD is off the rails and I am at my witts end

[MMac86]

Hi all

Where do I start...my DD is nearly 14.
DD is rude, defiant, lazy and does not listen to a word of authority.
I have not raised her this way! DD is constantly in trouble at school (and I mean every day) and is never remorseful about her actions - it is always everyone else's fault. I sit her down and explain things, hear her side of the story and give her the benefit of the doubt as I am not present when these matters happen at school. Depending on how badly DD has behaved there will be sanctions, being grounded, no phones etc but nothing bothers her.
The school are excellent and supportive, but DD does not have respect for authority or adults. Once, a kid pulled a knife on her and she laughed? Did not flinch?

I have moved schools, tried CAHMS, off the record, Early Help from the Borough and I dont know where else to turn now as DD is very good at masking the problems and therefore these support groups havent been able to help.

Now I am my witts end, my life feels empty as I am constantly on tender hooks waiting from calls from the school or other parents complaining about anti social behaviour, smoking, fighting, hanging around with kids with knives at school. The list is endless.

My once very sweet, kind, caring DD has turned in to someone I cant relate or get through to. I am so scared what might happen next.

Can anyone relate or suggest anything other than the above?
Its hard to articulate everything here, but I know this cant be 'normal teenage behaviour' or is it?

No advice, but am beginning to have similar problems with my DD

Don't panic. Teenagers often go through massive personality upheaval. You have identified this huge change. So what changed for her? Something has set this off, something significant for your DD.

Its so hard isn't! I feel exhausted by it all and the hardest thing is not being able to fix it

Have hardly slept with worrying last night.

Thanks @Startagain51 - I really appreciate your message.
You see, this has escalated since DD started HS in 2019 but also Covid has a part to play too.
DD was acting out at school, being rude to teachers, answering back etc. DD was then getting detentions left right and centre. DD told me school was to blame, the teachers picked on her and I moved her HS.
DD started a new school in summer and they are excellent, but unfortunately the same pattern of behaviour has continued, if not worse. I am starting to believe that maybe there is a wider issue?
She knows right from wrong, but decides to make wrong decisions and doesn't care for the consequences.

@2021willgetbetter - I am sorry to hear that.
Have you spoken with your DD school etc at all?

A friend of mine discovered her daughter had ADHD which she’d been able to mask when she was younger but as academic work got harder she couldn’t keep up anymore so started getting detentions. Might be worth checking she doesn’t have any learning differences which are making studying harder (even an eye check).

That's great advice @LizziesTwin - DD DF was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in HS. Would the school not have picked up on this though and brought it to my attention?

Probably not as there are so many children & they won’t have had as much time with her as usual. Sending you some calorie free invisible treats to keep your spirits up, teens are so difficult.

Have you checked her phone, messages and social media to check she isn’t being bullied or targeted in some way and lashing out. She doesn’t need to k is you are checking, I know many will disagree with that but I wouldn’t care what a bunch of strangers say and I’d need to know what is going on in the background as a starting point.

I know this is an oldish thread, but sounds very similar to my experience with my 12 year old son. He has changed so much since starting secondary school in a negative way and we feel we are going round in circles with him. He gets in trouble almost every day at school at the moment. We talk to him for ages about.what he is doing wrong and sometimes he seems to listen but then start over again the next day. He seems so different to a.year ago and we are so worried it will end in exclusion from school. He is massively different to his younger sister who has never been in troublemaker school. He is being assessed for possible autism although I'm not really sure that is the problem.

I know this is an old thread but my 17 year old daughter went through a really bad phase last year. We had months of an alien living in our midst. Then one day, she just 'came back to us'. She was diagnosed with depression, was self harming, and we tried therapy, medication, etc...all of which did not seem to work. She stopped the medication, was not going to therapy anymore and then, one day, she was 'back'. Like she had figured stuff out on her own, in her own head. Hang in there. That is all I can say. I am now struggling with my 18 year old...but I have hope - because I have seen that things CAN get better. I really empathise. It is so difficult as a parent and it takes literal years off your life and you are basically stuck in this dark pit. I really hope things come right for you soon.

I can't really help but I was your daughter. Looking back now I put my parents through utter hell with my behaviour and attitude.

I am 100% sure i have undiagnosed adhd as still have problems in adult life that tick all the adhd boxes. And looking back at all my old school reports there's a clear pattern which would indicate adhd too.

By the age of 17 I was much better behaved