Help! Does anyone have/had a 13/14 yo DS like this?

[PangolinPie]

Not motivated to do much except game. Average at school and no motivation there either. Wants to give up football at the weekend (the only thing he does apart from xbox). Doesn't meet up with friends outside of school. Has no idea or ambition about what he'll do when he's older in terms of jobs/college/uni/anything! He's not depressed. I think he's had a real hormone surge in recent months, he's very grunty and elusive and his voice has broken etc. I'm just having a moment of worry about him being so... lackadaisical about everything. He's always been a bit like this, so not just a teen thing. It's definitely magnified though.

I don’t think it’s unusual for a 13 year old boy to have no clue about college/uni/career/ambition tbh.

Some people are homebodies & don’t feel the need to be out with friends all the time so I don’t think that on its own is concerning. Wanting to do nothing other than gaming isn’t good though. Do you have it set up to limit the WiFi so he isn’t on it the whole time & has to come off it after a certain time limit?

My ds is 13...he lives for football so wouldn't want to give it up.

As for the rest....yes! My ds has no social life which makes me very sad...said his friends never meet up, they all stay at home and game. Very difficult age isn't it..and I think lockdown came a the worst time for them socially and now they have no idea how to socialize.

I have two older teens and a 12yo. I like them to have a couple of out of school activities at the age you’re talking about, so giving up football would have been met with ‘sure, what were you thinking of doing instead?’ The older two tried loads of sports and activities. They’re 16 & 18 now, both still involved in Scouts as helpers and music but still have plenty of time for gaming and being at home as well. My 12yo rides, does Scouts and a church group and some after school clubs. Especially if they don’t like school it’s good for them to have things outside of school and other friends groups.

Yes! The holidays of 2018 were Hell- I'd paid a fortune for him to sit in his room and stare at his phone, coming out to whinge that the WiFI was crap (it wasn't). Never went out, in a bit of low-level bother at school (forgetting homework, grunting at people), wanted to give up his sport.

I talked him into staying with the sport, ignored the rest. Helped to get him back on top of homework. Decided to ride it out.

He's now 16, fortunately he decided to listen last September when we warned him that he needed to work at school in case he didn't take exams. He got decent grades and is now doing A Levels in subjects he genuinely loves.

He's become far more sociable, his girlfriend comes over often and he likes knowing that she is always welcome. He went on a walking holiday with friends over the summer just before the GCSE results came out. He has now retired from his sport as he wants to focus on his studies.

He's far from perfect- that state of his room is fairly awful, he needs a gentle nag to take the bins out- but it's all pretty good. He just needed time to grow up. I think a lot of his friends were the same. Oh, he still doesn't really know what he wants to do. I've decided that things have been so muddled for him over the last 2 years that he should just focus on school and uni, we'll think about the later steps in a year or so.

DS was very much like this 12/13.He was unenthusiastic about school sports but did play rugby and the rest of the time was spent gaming in his room.

We went on holiday to Tenerife and he spent most of the time in his room, but tbf it was an awkward age, he was too old for the Kids club and then tried to participate in the adult volleyball or something and nobody gave him any breaks, so off he slunk.

He was just getting out of it and starting to go to the cinema/bowling alley with his mates when lockdown struck, now at 15 he is keen and enthusiastic about his rugby, has been working out a lot in our home gym and developed a great physique and often hangs out with his friends either playing or watching football. He also got positive remarks about his attitude from teachers at online parents evening.

So yes totally normal unfortunately. I'm not sure what the magic formula is to turn them back to proper humans, but if he was fine pre this age, he'll more than likely be fine once he's out of it.

I do #PangolinPie DS14 is naturally an introvert but not shy. I just feel he is missing out on the fun of teenage years. He has recently given up a sport he did for 6 years with the promise to find an alternative and that hasn't happened. He says no one does anything after school and he catches up with friends in school so doesn't see an issue. I know he is not in a popular group which is fine but I see them doing lots of activities together and wish he had some like minded friends to hang out with. He doing well at school but also has no idea what he wants to do long term. I do worry and hope as he gets older things will change.

Yes my son is nearly 13 and is like this - to be fair none of his mates go out as still quite young I guess, but he was a very good/keen footballer but now can't be bothered - wants to give up we persuaded him not too.

Loves gaming and not much else.

DS is that age. He has a sport he does twice a week with his Dad which he started this year. It has given him a focus.
Other than that he games alot, does the minimum amount of homework and rarely goes out. He doesn't have many friends which I find sad. But it's partly because he's at school miles away.

Having said that DD is at a local school and in yr 11. She only started going out this year, and even then it's only occassional.

Neither of mine go to parties or go to meet ups. I don't think it's that unusual with so much of their life online and covid etc.

DS used to go out to local parks with primary school friends but he's too old for that now and alot of those friendships fell by the wayside once lockdown happened .

Yes my son is like this. Gave up his sport for a year, recently went back but now wants to give up again. Doesn't want to do much, ever. Even hates leaving the house for doctor / dentist appointments, it's hard work.

Try to find stuff that he really enjoys - adrenaline based activities can be good. For us we try to take him go karting every so often. Watching his PL team play football also good (but expensive). Other ideas could be rock climbing etc.

Holidays have been unsuccessful lately so we're now trying to do city breaks rather than traditional beach holidays so there's plenty to do.

This thread has given me a lot of reassurance that he is within the realms of normal - sometimes I want to tear my hair out with his apathy and lack of motivation!

Yeah I don't think it's unusual. At 17 mine still prefers to spend the vast majority of his time gaming. He had a couple of physical hobbies but lockdown put a stop to them and he's never picked them back up. He plays online with his friends but they only meet in person every couple of months.

He wasn't good with his work at high school, however this has improved at A level as he's passionate about a couple of his subjects, so puts more effort into them.

He says he wants a job but can't be bothered to look for one although he volunteers once a week and I've encouraged him to keep this up.

Plus be careful what you wish for. A friends DD is 15 and she was telling us about all the parties she's going to where they all rock up with rucksacks full of booze ( that the DPs don't spot apparently) and are all getting trollied.
So grateful for my DS at that point!

OK thanks all for the experiences. I do think it's mainly his age. They just don't seem capable of mobilising themselves socially! He's come back from a football match having refused to play. His dad is a coach for his team which is also a complicating factor I think it's a good idea about insisting that he takes another hobby up if he's going to drop football. Academically, I think it'll just be a case of nagging/encouraging and hope for the best I think. I do feel worried about his future still :(

Quite typical I think.

Agree if he gives up football he has to take up something active to replace. Even a 14 yo should be able to understand the logic of that.

It’s typical. Eldest DS is 24 now but at 13 or 24 he was a lazy got who spent his time gaming and nursing his ambition to be a professional paint baller (apparently it’s an actual thing). He finally got his act together and now has a Masters in engineering, a good job and a lovely girlfriend.

DS2 is 14 and sorely testing our patience. Lives for gaming and football, has friends thankfully but absolutely no interest in school whatsoever and is definitely lower than average academically. No idea where he’ll end up, I’m trying not to worry because I know DS1 and his friends all found their own way in life, one way or another.

but at 13 or 24 - 13 or 14

DS14 is very similar. He doesn't see anyone outside of school really apart from one friend occasionally and usually because I have nagged him too. He speaks to 'online friends' and seems to relish this time. Trying to encourage an activity but struggling to find something, not majorly into sport. It breaks my heart but he seems to have become used to the fact he just doesn't have friends to hang out with. I keep hoping things will change but I am running out of ideas to encourage him. It's not even as if he is a pain or difficult to get on with, I know I will always have a biased view, but he is a good lad. Teens are hard