Feeling right out of my depth and worried sick

[carlyswirly]

I'm a lone parent, with a dp who works overseas. 2 ds, aged 16 and 14. Both very young for their years. XH involved but barely- he's a real high flier and hardly around. I have a fairly senior job which takes a lot of energy but I try to be home with them every morning and evening. We have always had a great relationship and they were both pretty easy up until age 13 for each, when they hit full Kevin stage.

The boys have now started their first years of GCSE/A level and both seem so demotivated. I was totally the opposite and just can't get my head round their apathy or what I can do to motivate them when I actually feel a bit panicked about their futures. The younger is bright but lazy and is limping along, hanging out with a crowd who aren't academic or interested in school. I've removed Xbox from his room or he'd be on there with friends all evening. He always tells me he has no homework.

The eldest did ok in GCSE but is struggling with A Levels at a new college. He's likely on the spectrum and combined with so much disruption and his own challenges, I think it was probably a stretch too far. I really don't know what we do next and he doesn't seem to have any direction to help influence a choice.

Basically, I am worried sick about them both and feel very alone in dealing with them. I've got them all the books and equipment they need, I'm offering support and coaching on the areas I can help with but I just don't know what to try next. Do I need to watch them potentially fail and pick themselves back up? Would a stint at private school make any difference? (that could be an option.) It's so painful. I just want them to be self sufficient and have a fulfilling future

Personally I think a good independent school might have been an option but probably only for the younger one now due to the timing. I’d look at putting the bright boy in for a good 6th form if he wants to go and gets the grades. They’re good at getting the best out of kids in my experience, especially boys, in a way we mere parents can’t.

For your older lad it sounds like you’re doing, and have done, pretty much all you can.
You can only do your best, and the chances are that if they have two reasonably high achievers as role models they’ll get there.
It may be by a more circuitous route than you took, but in a way academia was easier in the past, not as many distractions!

I’d ask them what they think they want to do, and actively encourage everything, but also give yourself a break.
If you step back, they might step up.

Thank you. Xh is a super achiever - has a unique job where he travels and works with really influential people doing purposeful work. He's well known in our area. I sometimes wonder if it's actually off putting for the dcs.

I do see that the youngest has some of the same drive and people skills so perhaps this will come out later on. He really isn't keen on moving school. Hopefully the eldest will find his way and settle in.

I didn't really get my career sorted until my late 30s and I've done ok. I think I probably need to find a way to keep the anxiety at bay. It's never really been an issue until now.