Time with teenagers

[twoblueskies]

Would like some opinions on this please

Have two DD . 7 and 14 . I'm married , husband often away during the week . I don't work because of this .

In the last 3 months my DD met a lad online and moved it to dating . Because of some concerns I started to check her phone to find she had been talking to lads about losing her v card ! The lad she started dating was her rescuer saying not to give it away until she found love . He bombed her with attention and came round our house and was v confident and affectionate to her . It moved quickly and I was v concerned . He was v vulnerable and clearly wanted love , she liked his attention but was still flirting with others including his mate which I spoke to her about . Anyway he finished after I got involved after seeing photos of him in her bed and told him he wouldn't be allowed in her bedroom again . I also think his dad told him to finish it as she gave him love bites on his body and went mad . He finished it saying he really loved her but it was causing him too much stress and too many arguments .
I week later she's still talking to his mate that I knew she fancied as she was always trying to get him to come along with her and BF , BF knew it too and the lads they had a fight about her flirting. They are now talking about getting together , he knows all about her and ex behaviour , wanting to lose virginity etc .

Anyway I still check her phone but they call not msg so I hear conversations in pieces .

On Friday my husband came home and I told him about my concerns about new lad .

I took her out shopping for a new coat in the day and despite her not wanting too come we had a great day .

I asked my husband / her father to spend time with her in evening watching movie / off phone while I spent time with youngest who hadn't seen me all day . He agreed .

I sent a msg to her saying phone would be turned off at 8.45 so she could spend time with dad . I control phone remotely, there was No drama .

She went downstairs said she didn't want to watch movie with him so he sent her back upstairs and she asked for phone back on . I went downstairs to ask husband what happened to getting her off phone and her spend time with him . He said she didn't want to and he wasn't going to make her .

I was v upset because she's making all the decisions
In the last 6 weeks she's stolen , tried to have sex , lied , drank alcohol , is self harming , not eating / losing weight and got detention for arguing against a teacher . All her friends have deserted her.

We are waiting for mental health support in school .

Is my husband right ? He believes she shouldn't be made to spend time with him watching a movie . I think she should sometimes realise she has to do things she doesn't want to and respect adults decisions , esp after arguing with her teacher .

Help

All teenagers want is their friends most of it is showing off
At 14,did you want to sit watching a movie with your dad or be with friends
I have 3 teenagers and sometimes they watch a movie with me but I don't tell them to.
Yes she is wrong wanting to have sex at 14 this is were she needs help

I was v upset because she's making all the decisions

She isn't. You are. There is not much wrong with that but I think trying to control a situation where she watches a movie with her dad when neither of them want to is a bit too far.

You know her and what she’s up to. Your DH isn’t as invested and has taken the easy way out, although to be fair he’s not there much of the time.
Obviously she’d rather have her phone back and to chat etc - the difficulty in parenting this age group is to deny them what’s not good for them whilst keeping some semblance of a relationship with them. Difficult to achieve but priceless.
It’s bloody hard work and you have to put them and their needs first. Do stuff they want to do even if you don’t, but do it in a way they don’t realise that’s what’s going on.

Your dh will need more practice in this, as do most dads ime.

Thankyou , good responses as always .
I realise I panicked and tried to control . So next time I'll step back x

It's a difficult age. You have to balance a certain amount of freedom for your teen plus strong boundaries. Alcohol/self harm/reckless behaviour are not great behaviours and I wonder what's going on in her friendship group right now. Plus, would you say that you are quite strict? Is she pushing back against that? Maybe wanting to be seen more as an adult than a child?

Hmmm friendship groups ! Her friends at school have excluded her . After a coffee with a friend , mum of one of the group today I was told that she had put on Instagram about breaking and entering a house the day she was with her boyfriend and supposedly playing football and hurting her ankle in an area she shouldn't have been in . How controlling should I be ?

Can you get a screen grab of that post?
If you can I would sit down calmly with her and show it to her and ask her to explain it to you. If she has taken part in a crime and then put it on Instagram - why? Is she trying to get into trouble with the police? I think I would want to know why she's fallen out with her friends and ask her where she thinks this is going?
She sounds quite lost and self destructive. That's not a happy place to be in.