Teenage parties?

[Mojohellno]

DD 14 yrs starting to talk about going to parties and meeting friends/going to houses that we don’t really know. At single sex school but in contact with plenty of boys and girls from local schools. Completely understand wanting to hang out with friends and socialise and she’s a good girl but easily led and pretty immature. (Happy for her to hang out/sleepover with girls we know, obvs.) Checked phone recently and lots of talk from the others on this particular group chat about sex, who’s doing what/sleeping with who, “doing lines” and porn (not from her thankfully). I can already see the future and it’s not looking good. Have said no way to parties until she’s older. Lots of tears from her but better than a big issue later I think? Thoughts please? Surely it’s a no-brainier? She’s our only one and it’s all new territory but gut instinct says no way! BTW we caught her out for sending nudes to several boys over summer, had umpteen (calm and controlled) chats before and after the discovery.

Although my DD is the same age, I've got no idea how you'd handle this. I was going to say maybe let her go if you knew the address and who she's going with and set a time for her to be picked up but then I say that she's been sending out nudes.

I'd ask @MNHQ to move this over to the teenage section, you should get some MNers with experience in there.

The book Untangled is very good at guiding you through the Teen Girl years as well

Thanks so much for the advice, I’ve asked MN to move it to teenage section and I’ll hopefully get some more help!

We're moving it over for you now, OP.

A tough one as I was at parties with boys from local schools at 14..how about you say you pick her up so she and her friends have a way home and you know where she is ?

The nude photos thing is horrifying though I would be very worried about that. I just think if she is keen to be out socialising then maybe better to engage and know what's going on than just say a blanket no?

DD (15) at single sex school and also starting to go to more and more parties. Mostly know her friends, but last week went to a sleepover/party where the mum bought alcohol for the party

Can somewhat understand the reasoning, that they are probably going to drink, so why not make sure they do it in controlled situation?

I am very sad and shocked that you are even considering say no. Why? Why would you stop her? Talk to her about your concerns. Let her say she won't do anything irresponsible. Do you not trust her? To behave sensibly? Has she given you any indication previously that she's going to do something bad? Take her and pick her up.

Ds1 had been going to secondary parties for years. I take him to most, or I share lifts with other parents.

@Oblomov21 did you miss where OP said that her DD has been caught sending nudes? I think that is pretty solid proof that she has poor judgment at the very least.

It’s tough OP. She is at the age where the parties start to come thick and fast. And there will probably be alcohol at them. My worry would be that your DD could end up being coerced in to doing something she doesn’t want to if she has poor boundaries (that sending nudes suggests). I wouldn’t say a blanket no. Did she understand why the sending nudes is so dangerous?

Thing is, their judgment doesn’t improve by being sheltered from every potential risk.
If you can be totally open, discuss sex, drugs, alcohol, parties etc, and the pitfalls etc, then they get to feel that they can tell you if they mess up, or get into trouble, or they need help and advice.

Ideally you want to get to a point where they’re confident enough to say no to their peers to stuff they’re not ready for, but equally happy to call you for help if they mess up.

Roller girl, no I didn't miss it. It's not that unusual though. Not ideal obviously, but Presumably OP had already discussed this with her dd.

Moving on, what happens next, after the chat of the nudes. What is the next step?

Based on my own teens, and also on myself at that age, I'd say this is a pretty normal thing for her to do, no? I don't think that forbidding her to go, when her friends will presumably be allowed to, is the best way to ensure good behaviour.

Thanks for the responses, I can see both sides of the debate. Can’t delay forever I know but if her close friends aren’t invited/going then we can probably wait. I know I have to let her at some point - I’d love to trust her but she’s lied and let us/herself down on other pre-agreed trust trials too. Never mind the nudes over summer-talked about all repercussions/reputation/digital footprint…deaf ears and eager to please anyone’s request. She hasn’t done that since and is learning but not fast enough (Offered to show a pic of her boobs on same group chat but then said no when pressed to, for example-yes I despair of her)I have heard what goes on at these parties from too many people a few years older. Maybe another few months’ maturity will make a difference🙏

Parties- will there be an adult present? If so, I wouldn’t have any problem with this. Would you be willing to let her go if you dropped her off and picked her up fairly early and allow her to earn your trust back?

The nudes I would find really worrying but it sounds as if you’re on top of that.

@JumperandJacket-I’m not sure if adults are around, I would have to check but yes I would feel more relaxed if they were. You’ve made a good point about dropping off/ earning trust again and I will try to be an understanding mum and give it a bit more thought.