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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Leaving Cert school refusal

11 replies

Snuggleworm · 22/11/2021 16:37

Hi There
I have asked a couple of questions throughou the years re my daughter who is now 17. She has had her up's and downs with depression ( never diagnosed) but we seemed to have muddled on through and thought " well thank God that is over"
I may be outing myself here but at this stage I don't care as I really need some advice. And cannot seem to get much help anywhere. trying to get an appointment thoguht the doctor is nearly impossible.
She has always been a quiet child with low self esteem etc and so not to drip feed, we have had school issues, her dad issues, friendship issues, boyfrined issues etc etc through the years.

She is a bright kid and always does( well did) well in school but during the summer she got a job and will work every hour God sends so she can save. She has saved €6000 since July. However, this has become the new obsession. Last years obsession was to get 600 points int he LC and go to college and get a degree. We live in Ireland so college usually starts around 17/18 years of age.

So now she is saying she does not want to go to college, she feels she is not good enough to get the points as she is way behind, she has not studied nor done homework since Sept and all she wants to do is go to work. Often working split shifts both Saturday and Sunday. She is exhausted but says that work is her happy place and she does not have to think about life or school etc. She will not listen ti us when e try to tell her that she cannot keep those amount of hours up and still go to school.
Now here is the thing, she has not gone to school for the past two weeks ( we have been to the school and they understand and are being very helpful; sending homework etc but she has not done any of it. She says she feels so guilty about not being in school but cannot bring herself to go.

She has an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow ( which we had to work really hard on getting her to agree to go) and the only way we got this appointment is through a friend of a freind who got us a private counsellor who very kindly has fitted her in.

Doe anyone have any advice as to how we help her through this. Her dad is now on board ( we are separated) so I am thankful for that but my husband just thinks she is being a typical spoilt teenager.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 22/11/2021 16:41

Just let her work?
And look into options if she changes her mind about going to uni later.

I might also suggest paying keep if she’s not in education.

Rummikub · 22/11/2021 16:43

I know it’s not what you wanted for her but she seems like she’s happier doing that for now.

Pucarbuile · 22/11/2021 16:45

Are there any options for her to do the LCA and then maybe look for an apprenticeship? Sounds like she has a fantastic work ethic if you can just find a way to channel it.

Snuggleworm · 22/11/2021 16:52

@Rummikub

I know it’s not what you wanted for her but she seems like she’s happier doing that for now.
Yes I did think that might be a good resolution and we have suggested that she do that but she says she feels too guilty to give up school completely.However, she is not going to be able to save for a mortgage ( this is what she wants to do at the momeht) on €10.50 an hour. Also, the hours are crazy and I know her and know that she wil regret her decision to leave school as soon as she has made it and there will be another massive fall out after that.

I was thinking that she may have some sort of disorder. Bipolar/adhd etc as she literally changes her mind every day and that is no lie.
I am just cluesless as to how to even go about having her diagnosed as the doctor will just say that all teenagers are going through this right now. I have read up on it but seem to come to s standstill so I was really just asking if anyone else has been through this and cone out the other end.
She always keeps saying that she is a dissapointment to us and cannot do anything properly and fails at everything she does. This is not true though but we cannot seem to get that in to her head.

It is like if she is not 100% good at something she will give up have way through.

Right now I just wish I knew how to keep her i school and say all the right things also withiut causing her to be more uposet/depressed.

OP posts:
Snuggleworm · 22/11/2021 16:54

@Pucarbuile

Are there any options for her to do the LCA and then maybe look for an apprenticeship? Sounds like she has a fantastic work ethic if you can just find a way to channel it.
That is an option alright. I think if she did not have this job that she would be well able for the LC and I think she would be mortified at the thought of doing the LCA ( not my words now, I just know her personality) I genuinely just want her to be happy and I know that she will def get burn out with this job and then what will have to fall back in.
OP posts:
Snuggleworm · 22/11/2021 16:56

Please excuse my typos. I am at work here so am rushing this.

OP posts:
Pucarbuile · 22/11/2021 16:58

That sounds tough for her and you. Is there any sort of guidance counsellor at school who could have a chat about her options?

It's frustrating that there's so much stigma around the LCA. It's great for kids who aren't academic (not saying your dd isn't, just in general) and opens so many other doors.

Rummikub · 22/11/2021 17:00

She has a great work ethic
Is single minded once she’s decided
She has saved 6000 euro since July.

She us doing amazingly.

At this age I would encourage her to keep her options open. Right now see what options there are. Look at apprenticeships. Apply for some.
Jake a decision about school. If she leaves now can she go back next academic year?

She’s keeping herself in limbo and that’s worse. She will feel better once she makes a decision. Any decision.

fishewoes · 22/11/2021 17:00

I suffer with anxiety/depression and work is my happy place.
I've had office jobs, council jobs, well paid jobs, but my favourite is the retail job I have now. It's so busy that I don't have time to think about anything else. You're so physically exhausted at the end of the day that you can sleep well, and the intense physical work gives you endorphins so you feel good. I love the 12 hour days. I love how busy and repetitive it is, I love how I ache all over at the end of a shift.
So I don't have much advice, but I get where she's coming from!

fishewoes · 22/11/2021 17:01

And on the plus side I'm so overqualified for it with 2 degrees that I'm pretty good at it and I've had a few promotions!

Snuggleworm · 23/11/2021 09:49

Thank you all for geting back to me.

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