Am I being a mean mum?

[MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry]

DS16. Doesn’t give me any trouble at all other than this issue. During lockdown he got into the habit of staying up during the night and sleeping during the day. I assumed it would right itself once school began again. At 16 I trusted him to self regulate his own sleep. He is going to school without any complaints but he is still staying up during the night gaming. His form tutor contacted me a month or so ago to say she and other teachers were concerned. He seems lethargic, very quiet and is often seen putting his head down on the table. I spoke with him, he is adamant there isn’t anything wrong and that he is just resting his head but that he isn’t tired. I told him the gaming at night needs to stop. He said ok. But I caught him a few times still doing it and at his Parent teacher meeting a couple of weeks ago the same issues were raised as continuing to be a concern. So I decided to turn the WiFi off at 9:30pm every night. I pay for his phone and can see what data he has left and usually it’s at zero so he can’t go on the internet on that. He really hates this and complains every night. He isn’t a complainer normally so this tells me it really is bothering him. I’ve told him that I allowed him the chance to be sensible and go to bed at a decent time but he showed he wasn’t going to do that so I have to make the choice for him. He needs to sleep. He says he doesn’t, that he isn’t tired. This morning I found out he bought data for his phone (he has a part time job) so he was able to go on it last night. I asked why he needed to be on his phone when he is meant to be sleeping and he said to talk to his friends. The next step seems to be to remove his phone at night but that feels ridiculous for a 16 year old. If there were no concerns in school I’d be less worried but the school are worried about him. I started him on a teen vitamin supplement (do they even work?) that he takes sporadically. I asked if he will see the GP about feeling so tired and lethargic, he says he isn’t tired and teachers are over reacting. I don’t think they are.

What do I do here? Do I take his phone at night? Or leave him to it?

Yes take his phone, this is his health we are talking about. He had his chance to self regulate and he couldn't do it so you need to step in.

You need to be the parent while you stop can be.

He's old enough that you can talk through with him why you are doing this. Since you pay for his phone, you can take it.

With both my sons the rule was that the phone stayed downstairs overnight. I think I started relaxing that at weekends age 16/17 for my eldest.

Thank you all. I feel like I’m punishing him but It’s really not that. He needs to sleep.

What is he worried will happen if he doesn't get to game/chat overnight? If he's willing to spend his own money on data so he can carry on, what's to say that taking his phone off him won't result in him sourcing a phone that belongs to him?

Is there a compromise to be had e.g. he has his phone until 10.30pm and then puts it downstairs/gives to you on school nights until he's broken the habit of feeling as though he needs to be on it all night? Or he has free reign on Friday and Saturday nights but hands it to you at 10.30pm on school nights?

DC1 wasn't thrilled that we asked for their phone to be off at 10/10.30pm so they could do something else before bed without being distracted. Once they got into the habit of it, they admitted it was useful because friends who wanted to chat knew that DC1 would switch their phone off at a certain point so any chatting had to be done before then. I believe they told friends that they put their phone away at that time to get work done rather than because parents said so and actually, they often wrote out revision cards etc after 10pm because they liked doing it when the house was quiet. Now DC1 is in Y12 we leave them to it but the phone is usually off and outside the room before midnight.

I think 9:30pm is a bit early for a 16 year old but apart from that I agree you should switch off the wifi and remove his phone from the bedroom on school nights. Maybe you could have a different rule on Friday & Saturdays.

School are clearly concerned so you can’t leave him to self regulate, it hasn’t worked.

Also, I saw a post here earlier this year which made the good point that there is a world of difference between dragging yourself through the day on minimal sleep and actually getting enough sleep to be able to tackle the school or work day with energy and on good form.

You're not being mean. You're parenting him. You gave him the chance to get enough sleep and he hasn't, so you need to help him. Yes he'll complain but you don't really have a choice. I'd treat Fridays and Saturdays differently though.

It seems like a dependence at the very least or an addiction at worst. He’s in a vicious circle. Read up on sleep hygiene with him, write a plan together on how to help his sleep issues. Get him to research the health implications of sleep deprivation.
He’s unable to sort this out himself, so yes you are right, but he needs support too.

I would compromise and allow him his phone and WiFi till 10pm the nights before school and till 1130 Friday and Saturday nights but def take away his phone and WiFi after then until he is out of education.... Then it's on him to hold down a job etc. To pay his keep, your house, your rules

Friday and Saturday nights I leave the WiFi on.

He doesn’t accept it is a problem to be on his phone or gaming during the night, he says he isn’t tired, he’s fine. If I asked him to read up on sleep hygiene or sleep deprivation he wouldn’t do it. If I tried to do it with him he wouldn’t engage.

I’ll speak to him again and see if we can compromise on the time.

I agree that it is an addiction. I think If he broke the habit he would realise this but he doesn’t see it as a problem or think he is addicted.

Agree with PP that if I take his phone he will probably just buy himself a phone and then I have no control over that.

Well then I'd tell him that in only a few years he will want his own place, own responsibilities and own life... And then he can choose to spend all night gaming and see how that affects his income and life. But until then, he is living in your house, and you are getting the calls and worry from his school, so you call the shots. Phone and WiFi is gone at x time... And if he gets another phone, you'll know by the feedback from the school... And he will have to do his own cooking and washing and earn his own way until he hands over the spare phone