Hi - I am new to here but hoping to find someone to talk to who has been through or is going through any of this right now!
My daughter has (since the age of about 10) been anxious about any focus on her. Throughout junior school she was doing well but the teachers would not openly praise her as this would make her feel uncomfortable. However when she started secondary school this spiralled in a way I never imagined. She would not talk in class and as a consequence she would be put into isolation (great for her). The stress of school then made her more anxious and she began having bladder issues (feeling she needed to go and not). In addition all of this happened just pre covid so she then spent almost a large chunk of her school time at home. When they eventually all went back she was so anxious and scared that she was physically sick. She was not learning and the school were just making things worse so we decided to take her out of school and found her an online school. Overnight she became happier, more relaxed and within a few months her bladder issues were almost gone.
In addition to all of this happening she was going through changes with regards to her sexuality and her gender. She has now expressed to be called Xan and referred to as they/them. We are supportive of this and the school are also aware.
And that's where the positives end! Whilst the first few months of school were fine it did not last. They were repeatedly absent for lessons and I had to leave work, drive home and get them online. Some days were better than others but it was a constant battle. Slowly it is getting worse. We have moved house and I am very fortunate in that between myself and my husband we are able to work from home meaning we are at home with them most days. We initially agreed that they would not use the camera and that we would build up to it but one year on we are still not using the camera. Even worse they are now not even talking in the lessons or answering when the teacher asks if they have completed the action. I have tried talking to them and explaining the huge sacrifice that we as a family have made to give them thin opportunity but they simply do not seem to care. All they care about is sleeping and sitting in their room. I feel so deflated as I thought that I was helping although right now I just feel like a complete failure. They do not seem to understand the importance of school and the fact that by not engaging or starting to work on this they are simply making things harder for their life going forward.
Just to make things even more complicated, I am not with their father and currently his view is that everything is my fault! The anxiety, the lack of engagement, the behaviour, the gender questions . . .everything!
I just dont know what to do anymore :(