Teenager driving me to despair.

[Pennypringles]

I am a single mum to 3 kids. One grown and moved out. One 17 year old, respectful, thoughtful, kind ds and one 14 DD.
My 14 DD is out of control. Disrespectful. Rude. She's been moved from one school to prevent an exclusion. Then expelled from that school. Moved back to the original school. Her behaviour improved with the move back to the original school and now she's back to her old ways. Walking out of lessons, swearing, constantly on her phone, being disrespectful to the teachers, threatening staff, being aggressive, breaking uniform rules.
She breaks curfew constantly and is uncontactable. She lies. She breaks all her promises. She has no respect for anything or anyone.
I am up and out for work at 5am everyday. I'm back at teatime. I'm exhausted. I'm at the end of my tether.
Her dad would have her but she has nothing to do with him despite his best efforts. Plus he has a 1 year old DD himself.
I spend every second worrying what's she's doing or where she's at. I cancel plans because she can't be left alone. Leave work early when she's been kicked out of school for the day. She threatens to kill herself or run away every time she doesn't get her own way.
Her behaviour is now so bad at school that they are threatening to expel her again which would mean a special behaviour school.
I'm at my wit's end. It's making me almost suicidal.

Confiscate the phone. That’s a privilege for when she starts behaving well.
Would the special behaviour school be so bad if she struggles so much in a mainstream school? Maybe it be would help.
What consequences can you put in place for bad behaviour? Would she work towards a reward?

The special behaviour school is notorious for making behaviour worse. She's a naughty girl in a safe place atm. She'd be eaten alive in the special school.
No punishment works. No rewards work. She just doesn't care. If I take the phone she'll threaten to run away or just actually run away. Or self harm. Or kick off.

Would she take some sort of medication?

Have you had any assessment for anything like ADHD or PDA?

I've been asking for a mental health diagnosis/ help/ referral for almost 2 years. The second school she went to was lauded as having a great mental health team. I referred her about a month before she started. She was there 8 weeks and the referral never came to anything. She's had private counseling and it seemed to help for a while. That diffused the anger about the divorce a bit. He basically told her she had every right to be angry about the things her dad did and it was like a weight lifted.
I just can't reach her. She cares about nothing and no one.

Take her away. Seriously. Love bomb. That’s what worked for me and ds.

She's lashing out and needs attention. Of
You're out at 5am she's on her own every morning before school? Not a criticism just trying to understand?

Yeah I start work at 5.30/6 am. She's capable of getting dressed fed and to school at 14. Her brother is also here doing the same thing. I'm the only earner. It's our only income. The alternative shift is 12-11pm.

She gets lots of attention. Holidays away. Meals out. Bowling. Film nights. Segwaying, trampolining this month so far. Nights with her big sister. Shopping trips. This weekend we were supposed to be redecorating her room, buying all new, installing a new bed so her best friend can stay more often.

My only advice would be to instead of using extra cash for lots of costly treat activities, use it for good private therapy if you can.( not a criticism just practical). Sometimes you just need experts to guide you , and will make you feel less alone in getting through these difficult years. If you can't get help for free it's worth paying for.

Yeah that sounds like I splash a lot of cash. I don't. I'm not living the high life. Mainly experience type gifts that we've been given and share. Occasionally her dad will treat her. Or her grandparents. Except the bedroom which I've saved for. I work 40hrs a week, minimum wage. I don't have extra for counseling. I got in debt paying for the last lot of sessions she had. In an ideal world I could pay someone and she'd respond and it'd all be sorted.

Let her run away and see how far she gets. She sounds like an attention seeker. Or stick her in the special school.

My brother was like this and it was hell especially for my parents. He’s a normal young man now but my dad packed him off to China for 3 years on his own to grow up and stand on his own feet from 21-24. It did help him massively. I agree you need to lovebomb her even if her behaviour screams she doesn’t care.. she does. I was horrible to my mum and I just wanted her to show me she really cared. Sending you a hug xxxxxx

Her dad has a one year old girl? That could cause emotional pain at some level. Being replaced, as it were.

As therapy worked before, that seems the most logical step. As she is self harming is there any way to get on NHS waiting list.

my dad packed him off to China for 3 years on his own to grow up and stand on his own feet from 21-24. It did help him massively.

That sounds radical! Was it to stay with relatives?

@HunkyPunk no! Basically my parents fought tooth & nail to get him to university & away from his social circle who were a terrible influence (drugs, probs with police..). When he finished uni he moved back to my parents house and old habits came back. He spent about a year doing absolutely nothing saying he might go travelling Australia or Asia etc but then never got a job and spent all day in bed.. my parents nearly split up multiple times as tensions between him & my das were just awful. I think one time he actually nearly had a full blown physical fight with my dad who tried to restrain him when he was off his head, another time my mum had to take him to the police station to be arrested because he’d been caught by the police doing something but did a runner when they carried out a search.. so after about a year of him being back to his old self, no job etc, not even part time, my dad said ‘right you want to go travelling to Asia. Here’s a one way ticket and a couple of grand to get you started’ and that was that. Or so we thought. My parents were away on the day of his flight. He went to the airport and none of us heard from him for about 2-3 days, after which he turned up back at my parents house absolutely off his head, having been on a massive bender with the cash claiming he was too scared to get on the flight. So my dad did the same again and this time he got on that flight!! He then spent 3 years in China, worked as a teacher there & learnt to stand on his own two feet. He met a lovely girl out there also from the UK and they’ve just moved back to the UK. It was radical but it possibly saved his life! I don’t know it would work for everyone but if he hadn’t of gotten away I really don’t know where he’d be now. X

That’s amazing, @sjxoxo The ultimate ‘tough love’! Maybe the fact that your parents showed they had faith in him, in that they were prepared to finance him over again (even though he blew the first lot of cash), made him realise that they only wanted the best for him, and he reached a point where he just couldn’t let them down again?

Anyway, so glad he turned things around. It gives us all hope!

@HunkyPunk maybe- I think it basically removed the safety net he had; up until then he knew my parents wouldn’t/couldn’t kick him out so he didn’t really have to change his behaviour. Then he found himself alone and I think he literally had no choice. I think hormones also have a large part to play! He is quite grateful now for the experience, but things between him & my dad are still tense to be honest; I’m not sure they will ever have a really great relationship. The op’s daughter is younger so I think there’s still time before drastic measures! I think aswell my brother was desperate for a direction and I think he pushed my parents to prove they loved him- my mum kept giving and giving but my dad was desperate to kick him out. Even now he knows he isn’t welcome to live with my dad, which mean my parents. It’s a tough subject in our family as I have another sibling who is very calm/not driven yet still lives at home In his late 20’s. He’s not been difficult at all in the same way but it seems very unfair to the brother who went away. I think op’s daughter is the same -pushing the limits to see how much she is loved, it’s the backwards teenage mind!! xo