17yo DS, anxious, lazy, no education, no job, no drive.. HELP!

[belfastmumxx]

Hi. I'm looking for advice or just reassurance from parents that have went through/are going through a similar situation.
Bit of background...DS was bullied in primary and secondary school, physically and mentally. Came to a head in secondary school at age 15 when his behaviour became aggressive, violent, unruly, didn't want to go to school etc... Found out some of his peers were threatening him, telling him to kill himself, that the world would be better off without him.. Just vile, evil things like that. He began to self harm and developed bad anxiety due to this. After several meetings with school, phone calls with doctors, he was referred to counselling for 6 weeks (that didn't help) and was then referred to CAHMS. (a few months before turning 17) He was happy enough with phone appointments but now they want to see him in person and he refuses to go. He dropped out of school with no education (they gave him an opportunity to do his work at home as they weren't doing exams due to covid but he refused as "even thinking about school made him too poorly so he couldn't physically do the work" ) , refuses to attend college or get a job as "he can't speak to others" due to his anxiety. Any time i try to help and offer him advice he just rolls his eyes or makes up some "excuse" as to why he can't do/try to do things to better himself.eg.. I don't need a qualification for the job i want to do... He has a habit of saying he'll do things in the future but never follows through. He spends all his time in his room online. Doesn't socialise or spend time with his family. Thinks life is all sweetness and light, that his dream job will just fall into his lap without having to work for it. I was a single mum up until he was 11 when i met his stepdad and went on to have 2 more children. He seen me work all his life for everything he had/needed/wanted so i don't understand his want to just sit about and do nothing.
I'm at my wits end. I don't know how to help him if he won't help himself.
I should add, he's not a bad lad (when he gets his own way) and is full of potential, i wish he would just use these years while he's young to shoot for the stars.
Sorry for the ramble. If you got this far
Thank you. 🙂

Hi, you could have been describing my ds a few years ago. I'm in a meeting in a moment but will pm you later. There is hope!

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/my-son-has-given-up-on-school-and-i-cant-get-through-to-him-08sw5ndmn Tanya Byron answered a reader's letter with a similar issue recently- might be helpful.

@EmmaGrundyForPM, @JumperandJacket
Thank you so much. 🙂

I saw Tanya B in person when my daughter school refused in year 10. She was very helpful tho gave slightly different advice in my daughter’s case than the letter below. I did end up sending my daughter to a very unacademic un challenging sixth form. For her the lack of pressure really helped her . She has found her own self motivation after a lot of school refusal.
I hope you and your husband can work together for the good of your son and get him to GP - private psychotherapist if you can . I hope you can talk to him with sympathy and empathy. Pull him out of this school if necessary. Get him engaging and talking, small steps out of his room, helping cooking, walks… reassure him that everyone has their own path and timeline. He’s young amd he can catch up if he wants. He can go and redo Alevels at a college once he feels better maybe?
I wish you lots of luck - it’s so stressful x

@Lilactimes thank you so much for taking the time to reply and share your story. My son is currently talking with professionals in CAMHS so i hope they can provide him with the help that he needs to move forward. I'm hoping with time, guidance and reassurance that he will come into himself and go on to study, work and strive to be the successful, confident, happy and content young man that i know he can be. Thank you again for your reply. Take care. Xx