crap weekend with dd, fed up

[steppemum]

Dd was horrible this weekend.
Seriously nasty and rude to her lovely grandparents, who had popped in for a cup of tea and to bring her a birthday present.

Just a typical dd2 moment really, everytime she doesn't get her own way.
She's 14, and has 2 older siblings. Her MH is poor, and she possibly has ASD, so lots going on.

The thing is, I just find it exhausting, and I am sitting her now, trying to wfh and I am just feel really emotional.
Just feel I am failing so badly as a parent.

With the older 2, it was all normal teenage stuff, slamming doors, and eye rolling () and they cam through all right, but with dd2, it is like we are just sailing unchartered waters.

I said to dh last night, my fear is that she won't grown through this and out of it, but will be aged 25 and still throwing a tantrum because she isn't getting her own way and the world isn't revolving round her.

no reason for this post really, just a rant.

Standing with you in sympathy and solidarity, OP. It is very difficult and draining parenting a teenager like this. And it is very difficult indeed when you factor in suspected ASD, as your approach and responses need to be different, but you're very aware that your child also needs to be able to work with the world around them as it is.

I think we are a couple of years behind you with this. DD is a cheery, academic and sociable person at school (though does seem to be losing confidence a bit atm), but is hard to be around at home. I suspect she wouldn't meet any CAMHS criteria, and may not have any neurodivergence at all, but there are definitely some ASD-type behaviours and traits, including a lot of demand avoidance and sensory sensitivities. I am treading a different path with her to my other two children, and I am anxious about it. I think we're allowed to be, and it's important to take care of yourself as much as you can.

@maudmadrigal

Standing with you in sympathy and solidarity, OP. It is very difficult and draining parenting a teenager like this. And it is very difficult indeed when you factor in suspected ASD, as your approach and responses need to be different, but you're very aware that your child also needs to be able to work with the world around them as it is.

I think we are a couple of years behind you with this. DD is a cheery, academic and sociable person at school (though does seem to be losing confidence a bit atm), but is hard to be around at home. I suspect she wouldn't meet any CAMHS criteria, and may not have any neurodivergence at all, but there are definitely some ASD-type behaviours and traits, including a lot of demand avoidance and sensory sensitivities. I am treading a different path with her to my other two children, and I am anxious about it. I think we're allowed to be, and it's important to take care of yourself as much as you can.

Thanks for this.

They sound very alike.

Despite my ranting on her, we take a lot of time to try and parent her how she needs to be parented. My 18 year old was not much amused by that, thinks the rules are different for her.

I think it is sometimes like walking into the abyss though, because we have no model for this parenting, we are just doing it by instinct, and often get slated for it by others who 'wouldn't let their child speak like that' etc.

I think that is what is so stressful, you have no idea if what you are doing is the right thing.

As an aside. An Ed Psych cannot do all the assessments, score or diagnose for ASD. Not can they (officially) recommend referring onto a Clinical Psych. They would have been given by school / CAMHS a strict brief to follow.

You should have had a meeting with the Ed Psych before them seeing DD. You should have been given a copy of the Ed Psych’s report.

Pop over to the SEND board if you need any help with the report’s contents or getting hold of it.

ASD or not, consistent boundaries and behaviour expectations are a good thing.

well.... Covid.

so no meeting before or after with Ed Psych or school.
We have seen report. Bloody useless piece of paper.
no follow up etc etc.

the problem really is that in terms of education and school she isn't bad enough. She copes. but she copes by masking and then we get the fallout.
In terms of GP, they can't see a need to refer to TAHMS or CAHMS as she is not 'ill' enough.

So although we can see many issues, until she crashes, no-one will do anything at all.