How Much Freedom Do You Give Your 13 Year Old?

[BigBessie]

My 13 year old DS has been invited to a friend's house this afternoon and my initial reaction was to drive him or walk with him. I realised this is a bit extra and have now let him walk over there alone.
It's only just over a mile away but I am such a worrier, I'm glued to the tracker app on his phone.
I'll be collecting him at 7.30 as I don't think he should walk home alone at this time.
He is a bit of a nerd ( his words) and not very streetwise so I do worry about how he'd handle , say , encoutering a group of teenagers .
I am a bit precious about him as I've been single since he was born and am a sole parent with no family locally . So it really is just me and him.
I wondered how much freedom do you give to your early teen ?

Zero. He's asd and Adhd. God knows how long I can keep him in for. Luckily he's only interested in gaming and his school is an hour away so no local friends

My 12 yr old goes out with friends to the youth centre, park, shopping, cinema, swimming etc. wouldn’t occur to me to accompany him to take him to a friend’s house. If it’s very late or dark I will pick him up otherwise he jumps on the bus or rides his bike home. He’s not usually out late though.

In contrast his 15yr old brother who has autism and ADHD is only now starting to walk a short way alone or meet friends, definitely couldn’t travel far, walk home in the dark or get a bus alone.

She gets the bus or tube to visit friends or go to school or after school activities. I expect a text to confirm she’s got there safely, and another when she’s leaving so I know when to expect her home. She also has a tracking app on her phone, but that’s very much as a back up for her forgetting to text me. She sorts out meet ups with friends in the holidays, and gets herself there and back. If she wants to buy bubble tea or hot chocolate, or any food, she can (this was new in Y7). She has a debit card, and can spend her pocket money using that.

Don’t let your anxiety hold back his development.

If he is asking to do these things then it’s at least time to start preparing him for them

Maybe meet him halfway instead of picking him up? If you’re worried he can’t look after himself Get him into self defence classes. Keeping him in a short leash isn’t a long term solutiosn

I don't track / baby my 11 or 14 year old. I want them to have freedom like I did (as far as possible in this different world).

the 14 yr old spent all day yesterday in town with a friend (inset) the only stipulation was be home before it gets dark

11 yr old went to the park with friends for 3 hours this afternoon, same rules. In the dark I would go and meet them but otherwise I expect them to get to school / back / to friends etc under their own steam. all part of bridging the gap between childhood and adulthood imo.

He’s still young and sounds a nice boy, it’s lovely that you are so protective of him. So many parents haven’t got a clue what their kids are up to by this age, I find it quite shocking.

Saying that, at 13, if he’s happy to make his own way there, I’d say that’s the best thing as kids do need to build up some independence. As it’s dark by the time he’s coming home, I’d probably offer to pick him up unless there’s a group of them.

I’d say over the next year to 18 months let him do more gradually like getting the bus places with friends.

It depends so much on how safe your area is. In some areas I'd be completely comfortable, in others no way.

Also depends on the confidence of the child. My son is excellent at staying in touch and generally very sensible.

Def depends on the kid, we’ve always given ours the next step in freedom as he’s asked for it. I have been encouraging him and his friends to walk back from school more (actually having to encourage their helicopter parents) and we let him bike over to friends’ houses, last week though he stayed until after dark - he’s over 6ft so I’m not necessarily worried about his safety from people but more from cars, but he was sensible and walked rather than biked as he didn’t have lights. His dad freaked out though and promptly got him a phone so I’m hoping this means much more freedom (and him instigating meeting up with friends more) because now he can let us know where he is and when he’s on his way home (and we have a tracker as a back up)

I didn't track my kids when they were 13.
They were free to walk to friends houses but I needed an estimated time back and if it was dark I'd offer to pick them up as I worry more when it's dark.

DC have been pretty free to roam around our local area up to about a mile away from about age 9/10. At 13, they would just say "I'm going to so and so's" and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Like you, I would have picked them up if it was after it got dark, which it is at 7.30pm at the moment.
Unless you live in a particularly dangerous area, worrying about him going to his friend's house is really overworrying. Does he not go out anywhere on his own? School? Shops?

13yo DS does a 6 mile paper round daily, starting 7am, by himself (6am on Saturdays), on bike, so ... no. I wouldn't expect to escort him to a friend's house 1 mile away. I never tracked any of DC.

I might accompany/meet DS after he did something to create the opportunity to have a chat, but not otherwise. We do live somewhere very "safe" I suppose.

Thanks for all the replies so far .

Yes I should add, he walks to school and back with a friend or on his own on occasion. I work in the city centre a couple of days a week (half an hour away) so he's alone at home on those days until 6pm when I don't work from home.
I wonder if being together so much during lockdown has made me worse as the natural progression of him going out has been disjointed.

My 13 year old goes all over town on his bike with his friends. They go to different bike tracks, swimming, playing football & biking in the woods.He also cycles to school. I make sure he always has his phone with him & is always back before dark. I think he had to stay cooped up so much during lockdown that he deserves to get out as much as possible tbh.

We live out in the sticks so I have to give mine (age 12, 14, 16) a lift to get anywhere! But once I've dropped them off, they're all allowed to hang out in the nearest town with their friends until they phone me asking for a lift home, and I don't track them.

Totally agree with you OP about lockdown interfering with the natural progression of gradually giving them more freedom.

We live on outer London.

13yo DD walks to and from school about 1.5 miles away and has done since starting secondary. Started walking back from primary in Y6 (about a mile away)

Goes to see friends on their own locally, can go into central London on the tube with friends during the day, or potentially on own to meet me in town for something in the evening. When it gets lighter next year, we have said she can go for a daytrip to Brighton for a day with best friend, as it's an easy journey and she's familiar with the town, which is straightforward to get around. We've said wait until spring so they can travel there and back in daylight.

We will leave her and DS (10) home alone for a few hours during the day if we're doing some chore they want no part of like going shopping - we started leaving them last year during lockdown to go for shortish walks because it was the only way DH and I could have any time alone together and the kids were old enough not to do anything silly. We now leave DD in charge every now and then if we're going out somewhere local in the evening (cinema, restaurant, pub) where we could be back home quickly in an emergency, but we have neighbours that we and they can trust to help as well

re the tracker. Perhaps try to wean yourself off it - I can see it feels like a safety net if something goes wrong but you as well as him need to trust in the process of independence. I grew up without phones and I'm pretty certain that rather than helped parents trust their teens they are creating anxiety. At 13 it's great he is off to a friends and doesn't want lifts etc - that gradual process has to happen.

It depends on the child a lot. My older DS is more sensible and generally rule abiding so was allowed to just go out for the day at that age, and be back at an agreed time. DS2 is 12 and not at all sensible, very impulsive and doesn’t think like DS1 does, ie when he was first going out if his phone died he would text me from a friends phone and say don’t worry, phones dead, will be back at 6. DS2 wouldn’t think of this at all, and has no regard for time or arrangements. So I am more cautious with him - I think normally it’s the other way round, the younger one gets more freedom at the same age, but not in his case!!!